Employer refusing flexibility after child’s surgery. What would you do?

Of course. Certainly could hold it.

I didn’t have any choice. There was no one who could take time off to stay with me. Weeks in bed.
Even when I was recovering and could crawl to the bathroom I had to wait for the builders to have their lunch. I wasn’t crawling amongst loads of young men. 😆
Other than ask the builders for help 🫣…( which occasionally they did bring me a take away lunch in bed…

This isn’t your employers problem I’m afraid.

If you are now unable to do your job, and this has been going on for now over 8 months - I’d say the job isn’t suitable for you and you need to find alternative work.

Asking for flexibility on already part time hours on a role where you need to be there in-person - you must see why that isn’t possible / thy are unwilling to accommodate.

And the nursery are prioritising the potentially 30 odd children in their care. I’m sure those parents won’t be happy to be told they the nursery can’t look after their children because they are short staffed! And please don’t say they need to pay agency staff to cover as the funding the government is dismal and many nurseries are already at risk of closure due to poor funding!

Exactly.

And how is a the daughter going to manage a bed pan on her own after having surgery on both knees?

It sounds like you have a very part time job where you need to be physically present during set hours, and it's not easy to find cover for you.

How would your employer cope if you made the flexible working adjustments you want? You've explained how they would benefit you, but not how they would work for your employer.

I sympathise with your DD. In an ideal world, intimate care is done by a close relative of the same sex. But sometimes, life isn't ideal. I've had to care for a relative of the opposite sex before and lift them on and off the toilet. You just have to get on with it - it's what family does.

If your DH is around and able to help, I think he's going to have to. It will be awkward for both of them, but it's better than you getting sacked for not being able to do your job.

You've been helping your DD for a while, so presumably you can help ensure the bathroom set up gives her as much dignity as possible - toilet paper, wipes and sanitary products in easy reach of the toilet, a big bin nearby, maybe a grab rail installed for stability.

I hope life gets easier for you all soon. Poor thing, your DD really does sound like she's been through a lot.

Can't she let her dad at least help her get to the toilet, she will be dressed in nightwear so covered up at that stage.. Could she then manage the last bit herself then get dad to help her back to bed ? How do you help her, does she need a wheelchair if she can't weight bear at all. When she was discharged did OH or re enablement or whatever they are called get involved?

My DD had ACL reconstruction on one knee. She needed care and help for a fair amount of time. The pain was terrible and moving was very difficult. Physio to recover intensive. Can’t imagine surgery on two knees, means you don’t have one good leg to put weight on. I think you need a realistic recovery plan and then have a clear discussion with work to see what can be done, and what adjustments your DHs work can also do. 13 is young to be dealing with surgery.

It doesn’t say anywhere in the OPs posts that the dad is at home all day. In fact the op makes reference to leaving her daughter alone. So it certainly doesn’t read as though he is home.

The surgery is recent. The OP has not clarified exactly how much time she has had off in total. And regardless it is a safety issue leaving a non mobile and vulnerable teenager alone for hours on end.

Could she use a she wee as an alternative? 4 hours isn’t that long. I was in similar circumstances at 11. I was left with a bottle of water and an old potty and expected to get on with it.😂😂😂A neighbour popped in to do my dinner and empty the potty but apart from that I had the tv for company until our nana came around about 3.

OP’s DD wouldn’t be left alone - her dad is there! She’s just unwilling to accept his help. To be frank, OP has had 8 months off work and it’s either a decision of a) lose her job or b) make compromises with DD.

Speaking as a physio plus working mum who has unfortunately been through similar with my own DD (major spinal surgery aged 16), the harsh reality is that your DD is going to have to accept the help or you’ll lose your job. She just needs help mobilising on/off the toilet, not with actual personal care etc and therefore your DH should be able to easily assist with this in a dignified way. Unsure if you have these already but a mowbray frame and raised toilet seat would also be very useful for support/helping to increase her independence.

I had to go back to work full time on DD’s week 4 post-op (used all of my annual leave and couldn’t afford to take unpaid..). DH works from home so was still around to help her out - it wasn’t ideal as like your DD she was much more comfortable with me assisting her but unfortunately life isn’t perfect and we had to make compromises. I’d help with morning meds/shower and make her breakfast before leaving for work and then she’d chill in bed/on the sofa. At lunch I’d come home to help her get ready and dressed for the day (simple things like knickers/leggings/socks were a struggle) and then she’d be able to head out for an hour or two with DH.

FFS the comments on this thread!

No it’s not remotely reasonable for the DD to wear nappies because she can’t mobilise to get to the toilet.

No it’s not reasonable to leave a non mobile teenager alone for hours unable to get to the toilet - or indeed get herself out if there was a fire!!! This is more than being about being a bit uncomfortable it’s a real safety concern!

OP I don’t know what the solution is. If you have had a lot of time off. I can see why your employer is not happy. Dependent on how long you have had off I would push for unpaid leave. Do you have an idea of why your DD might be back on her feet?

That makes it much easier to understand your DD's situation, OP.

In terms of your employer's situation, how many days off or flexible arrangements have you had since September, and were these all related to your own surgery, to your daughter's condition, or also to other things? It would be helpful to know how flexible work has been to date in order to comment on what more can be expected from them going forward.

You make a really good case for your daughter's needs being important and only for a limited period, but is this a one-off, or just the latest in a series of events where you have also asked your employer to be flexible?

Are you able to shit and piss on command?

Parental leave? Unpaid but up to 18 weeks leave available cumulatively until the child is 18, must be taken in week long blocks.

If this has been going on since September though then I can see your employers point, this isn't a temporary situation as difficult as that is for everyone.

If she's had both knees done does that mean that both legs have to be kept straight? Because if so she can't bum shuffle about, can't slide onto a commode next to her bed and can't sit on a toilet without someone with her.

It was hard enough when I had one injured knee and could manage just about to get around, albeit painfully.

This sounds really stressful for you all. Your daughter needs to understand that her Dad needs to help. It sounds like otherwise you may lose your job.

What if she can't wait?

I'd be worried she would restrict fluid intake which could increase the risk of developing a blood clot.

Tbh for me the bigger concern would be leaving a child at home alone when she can’t defend herself or call for help. If she’s not mobile enough to get to the toilet in an emergency, she’s not mobile enough to be left at home alone.

There are so many absolutely batshit replies here, OP, but then MN is full of weirdos who think work is the most important thing in life - heaven forbid family emergencies and unforeseen health problems might occasionally inconvenience the great capitalist machine!

You’re in a really tough position and it sounds like you’ve had a difficult year - I really feel for you. It sounds like your employers are within their rights to refuse, though one would hope for a little more empathy and flexibility in situations like this. It’s a good idea to speak to your union and see what they suggest. And ignore the nastiness in some of these posts - you’ve done nothing wrong except prioritise your child as any decent parent would.

Get a commode and put it next to the bed so that she can just slide on and off it. I am sure she can manage like that when there is nobody available to help her. That's what I had to do following a major lumbar disc prolapse many years ago.

Have you looked on Amazon or with Red Cross for other options? Bed pain / commode / travel urinator bottle for women? Rather than the only option being helping her to the toilet? I appreciate all kids are different but most kids can last several hours without a toilet.

Yes, it does speak volumes. She's consulting her union, as she has every right to do.

Yes this.
I imagine the whole situation has been pretty stressful for you too.
If it's possible for you to do this and think that you can gain reemployment when the time is right,...
I think you've had some very harsh replies here.
Best wishes to you and your daughter OP