Found where ex is… stop me getting on a plane tomorrow to confront him.

I’m the person you shouldn’t take advice from. If I were your real life friend I’d have booked plane seats and we’d be making a nuisance of ourselves. We’d be sitting on a bench outside of his work, we’d be following him home. We’d probably be arrested and thrown into a foreign prison where nobody speaks the language and they hate women.

I hate injustice and I hate men who walk away from their responsibilities.

However, I think the sensible option is to park it. Concentrate on your daughter. Although, I’d still go and walk past his office and eat in cafes near by!

My love, I totally understand why you want to do this but know that you’ll never get the closure you need from this.

what you can do is write a letter, get it all out and then burn it.

or go to a remote hill or forest and shout it all out.

how he treated you both was appalling, but you’ve thrived, your dd is happy and healthy and that is all because of you. She knows this.

I wish you the peace you deserve

Why not rephrase to yourself it as denying him the satisfaction of knowing that you are still actually bothered about him or his opinions. Indifference, in the long term, must be a greater blow to his ego.
Agree with other PP's that, if he feels coerced into showing some involvement with your child, he might well try to retaliate by being obstructive, just because he can.
You have played the long game with great success for 11 years, and he suffers by comparison.

I also agree with those who say that there is no point blaming him for not having a relationship with your DD. He’s clearly an unstable dickhead. A relationship with an unstable dickhead does not benefit any child and it baffles me why some mothers insist on trying to “maintain a relationship” in these circumstances. Let it slow fade FGS. In your situation he’s probably done your DD a favour.

Im not saying this to be snarky but could you benefit from a bit of counselling to move on from his actions yourself? You want to be in a place where his nonsense has no effect at all ideally!

Look he will NEVER acknowledge any damage. It will always be someone else’s fault. You will probably just make him think you’re mad/ not over him and upset your daughter. Don’t waste your time.

Focus on your own life- he will get his own Karma when he realises that he has a lovely daughter who doesn’t want to know him. That’s enough.

@ProvoPrincess

but in a few years when DC is at uni I am going to track him down. She hasn’t even mentioned him in at least two years.

I don’t think it’s your place to do that actually. If she wants to track down her biological father and confront him abandoning her as a baby then that’s up to her.

But I know a few people in that situation who keep their feelings about not knowing their dad very closed off and wouldn’t want anyone meddling, not even their mother.

He left you, you got over it, moved on and have remarried. Just let it be now.

Your child will or will not deal with it in her own way if and when the time comes but you would be very wrong to take the lead in that. Especially once she’s in university and an adult.

He doesn't care about you or his child. Its really that simple.

I would do it.

This is all about what you want. The chances are, he won't even try and listen to you. Leave it to your child to make the choice when she is older. You need to let this go. Your idea of hunting him down and make him listen to you is really unrealistic!! He doesn't care.

YABU but only because these people rarely change and it would only cost you money, time and stress to do what you’re suggesting. I think you need to accept it and move on.

I agree that now you know where he is you should go to CMS if there is a reciprocal arrangement with that country. If only so he doesnt get away with avoiding his financial obligation.

If you talk to him in any way shape or form, the absolute best you can hope for is that he carries on his life as he has and ignored you both.

MOre likely if he gets into her life, he will lie and put a wedge between you to make himself a victim (mum did xxx to stop me seeing you) and you'll have a damaged relationship.

Tbh, if i was dc and you stirred this all up for the sake of having your say, I wouldn't see you the same way. I'd also be inclined to give dad the benefit of the doubt that maybe you were as difficult then as he will say you were. He will say you were so awful he had to emigrate and hide from you and you still tracked him down to tell him he's a bastard over a decade later because you're nuts

Don't waste your time, money, headspace or energy. You won't make him see he's a dickhead, nobody ever thinks they're the dickhead. They make up all sorts of justifications yo live with themselves and you won't put a dent in the lies he's told himself, whatever you say. It's hard and infuriating, but that's (some) people for you.

Don't invite the devil into your life.

You would be insane to initiate contact with a man so careless about his child and ignite his interest in her.

it is 100% not in her interest for you to approach her dad now. In any way.

I do however, want him to know the problems he has caused me and our child. I want to know what caused his issues and why we were collateral damage.

Honestly Op… do you even think he is going to give a fuck about that? If cared at all about what you and his kids have endured he wouldn’t stay away for years on end.

Be grateful for the drama and nastiness you avoided by not having him around tripping you down while trying to raise your child.

If he didn’t care 11 years ago, he’s definitely not going g to care now. Appreciate that you’ve had the freedom to raise your lovely daughter, remarry, and focus on the good things.
How will you feel if you tracked him down and he doesn’t react as you hope? Put your energies elsewhere, bitterness eats us all up.

What do you hope to gain by doing this? If he were capable of remorse and contrition, he would have expressed it by now. Your pitching up and telling him the challenges his actions have caused you and your child will leave him cold, and you will be even more upset with him than you are now. I would suggest you get some therapy to learn how to let this go. I know its easy to say. But I've worked hard on letting go of my desire to seek any accountability from my ex for his terrible behavior, and it is liberating.

Is it a country where child support would be enforced? Because if so I would definitely let the csa know and file a claim. Your daughter deserves the money, it doesn’t mean she has to know the piece of shit it comes from.

Don’t waste your time and energy on this man. He has made his choice and he cannot bring any value to your daughter’s life.
You have a lovely daughter, and his family have deservedly missed out on a grand daughter and niece.

what exactly do you want though?

for him to see the error of his ways, move home and start being “dad”?

would you want to start co parenting with him, involving him in decisions, having your child stay weekends and holidays?

in some ways it can be better not to have dad involved. Less hassle. Think about it.

Why are you going to track him down when she’s at uni?

Sadly being confronted by their actions and the consequences almost never induces change in people like this. If he was capable of reflection and change he would have done so by now.

All it will do is that he will twist it and add it to his story that he had to leave as you were unhinged and this is "proof" of that. I get the anger I really do, but confronting him will only hurt you when he doesnt give a shit.

You want to spend time and money chasing a deadbeat, possible cokehead to tell him he's a deadbeat?
What happens when you've wasted all that energy to confront him, and he's not even phased? Or you get yourself into trouble abroad.

What may be useful, is finding out if a child support claim can be enforced where he is, and go for that.