To have confronted DH's cousin for flirting with him?

I accidentally quoted the wrong reply, this is what I think could be a good guess at her motivations

She’s been using the fact that they are cousins and that nobody would suspect the worst to conduct herself totally inappropriately with a married man. Remove the cousin bit and you still have a woman whistling at a married man and throwing herself all over him rather territorially. He’s your husband. Where’s her respect and boundaries? She should feel embarrassed. I’d bet that her recent relationship’s unhappy end has led to her being a bit desperate for validation.

I didn't say he was to blame, but different people are impacted by things differently. What one person sees as "just one of those things" could be extremely traumatic for another, especially as they get older and gain more understanding.

This could be spot on. She’s obviously going through some stuff and having this dirty little secret might have been quite thrilling for her, knowing she could flirt and thinking she and your DH were the only ones in on it, and to realise you know and could see her crossing boundaries all along must have been quite humiliating. This might be the thing that makes her realise she’s hit rock bottom OP. Either way you’ve done nothing wrong and saved her from embarrassing herself further

I do agree with him. I must have a twisted mind but I wouldn’t even put my 13yo and 12yo neice and nephew share a room because familial childhood abuse happens sometimes. And I’d never want to be the one who made them share a room when they were with me. Obvsiouly this isn’t want happened as they were both consenting but again 16yo are hormonal and not fully mature yet. So I do get where he’s coming from.

I remember my half brother and his step sister had a thing when they were teenagers and people were horrified, as they’d known each other from 4/5. But they didn’t grow up in the same house but people expected them to view each other as siblings. Again, not the same as they weren’t actually related, but yeah I think people are naive to think that these things would never happen and should probably be more cautious with their teens

She's got issues well above your pay grade to deal with. The best thing for her would be rehab and lots of therapy.

You were correct in setting boundaries around your marriage with her. She sounds like she's got some narcissistic traits exacerbated by substance abuse and like she's been enabled by her family who are afraid to rock the boat. You aren't the problem here at all so don't feel guilty about putting up a boundary with someone getting sexual with your husband in front of your family.

Your husband may talk a good game, but there's some future faking going on there. He didn't set those necessary boundaries and he plays the victim.

Not your fault. People can be damaged and have mental health issues while also being complete arseholes who know better. Her personal issues are no justification for her behaviour. The world doesn't owe her anything, and you and DH certainly don't owe her a week of... what exactly? Sexual flirtation with your DH? Should your DH give her a sympathy shag too?

It's best she's gone. And I'd give that entire side of the family a wide berth for a while.

I suspect she thought this 'we will never tell anyone' pact would hold for life, that they were both locked into a 'we are each others secret true loves' so she was distraught to realise that actually you, his wife, were made aware and she is largely insignificant.

The tantrum and flounce is just more of her manipulative main character bullshit. She's awful and a sad person.

It's a shame this whole cluster fuck detonated on a family holiday.
It's not your fault!
Enjoy the rest of your break as much as you can and let her support people support her.
Hopefully she turns a corner and gets healthier.

Right so two consenting teens have sex and he's to blame? Why isn't he a fucked up mess then?

Well, she's outstanding in the exhibitionism department, isn't she? She comes across from your descriptions, @Temporaryusernamename, as a highly manipulative, exhaustingly melodramatic pain in the arse. That she's evidently unused to being admonished is clear from Aunt's response in dancing attendance on her whilst she rocks the boat for everyone else. Your confrontation of her the other night, OP, might have been one of the few times anyone has challenged her extraordinary behaviour.

Whatever her reasons, the whole family is now being 'punished'. She has what she wanted: everyone tying themselves in knots to unpick what the matter is, you and DH feeling guilty, and her own mother worrying herself sick whilst she makes a deliberate mystery of the cause of her angst. This is extremely manipulative, childish behaviour.

She is clearly struggling. She's also just as clearly a grown, functioning adult who manages the control of her own business just fine. The rebuke should have come from DH but she was making an utter fool of herself and, at the very least, 'hinting' as to their past. That's deplorable. I do also think it now likely that she will tell her mother. You can't control that, but equally, no matter how vulnerable she is, you don't bear responsibility for her actions. Nobody forced her to fuck her cousin. Nobody forced her to drape herself all over him right in front of his wife. Nobody told her to flouce when pulled up on her bizarre, inappropriate conduct. Those were her own decisions. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

FWIW, it sounds as though this particular branch of your family would be no great loss to your lives. Who has the time or headspace for histrionics like this?

I’d be wondering whether she’s a mess because she had an inappropriate relationship with her cousin when she was young and vulnerable personally 🤷‍♀️

Well this woman is a total mess. She connects with men on a sexual level and both sexes on a victim level. I'm sorry to say but she seems very damaged and I also would wonder was this what led to them sleeping together - at least from her side.

Your husband seems to have his priorities right.

This woman is not your responsibility. You were pushed to your limits, you snapped briefly and then you tried your best.

She's an adult, it's her job to get therapy and addiction treatment, nobody else's. She made the whole fucking thing about her. I'd be thanking your lucky stars you don't have to see much of her.

Well it was never going to not be awkward. At least your DH supports you.
This is de-railing but you say your DH blames the parents for putting all the cousins together in one room for their childhood into adolescence to 16yr olds years?? That obviously demonstrates a lack of boundaries on their part but what was /had been going on all the years up to him & his cousin having full blown sex? You don’t get to that without some build up. I just feel like he’s blamed the parents & that kind of shuts it all down. If she’s a chaotic individual now & had poor boundaries then - it does make you wonder how long their contact with each other was sexualised for & like so many others have said - they spent times as kids/young people with their cousins but didn’t get sexual with them. It does make me wonder if she’s been sexualised from an earlier age. And by who? You’ll never know. But I’d find it very unsettling personally. I don’t know if tables were turned & they were your DC we’d be that content with them being in love with eachother. Sorry probs what everyone else was saying earlier in the thread.

'Because if we say that I confronted her for flirting with DH and they don't know the history I am going to look like the fucking weirdo.'

Yep, this is the exact point I made earlier. The real problem has little to do with six-toed babies.

Hope you are ok, OP.

I feel a bit bad for her tbh. Yeah she did a stupid thing but sounds like she’s messed up. She needs support.

Wow, she really is a mess. Oh dear. Listen, you weren't to know, so don't blame yourself.

Don’t feel guilty. She is clearly in a very bad place and she may need to hit some kind of rock bottom before she can start to address it. Her behaviour towards your DH was not ok and you were right to confront it.

I hope she is able to face her problems and make a change.

Half siblings would be deemed incest in law, and therefore not legal. Cousins is legal. Gross, but legal. And all too common in some parts of the country, rural and city alike.

I don’t think you read this correctly at all - I wasn’t suggesting he would be sleeping with his own child, I was suggesting OP’s child would be sleeping with his half sister and then blaming op for putting them in this position.

First loves truly have a deep connection.
I know you were acting a bit like a petulant child when you said " I won't be updating, so there"

So here is the honest truth for you OP and anyone else who may be going through similar.

I know cousins that were forbidden to have a relationship to the point that their own family would disown them,
However, their love was so strong and couldn't be denied. They met again and had children together and those children called themselves pedigrees at their parents funeral. They called it a special bond that couldn't ever be broken.

You know your husband found her attractive and thats the reason you went in on her rather than him.

I hope that this hasnt destroyed your relationship with your husband. And sorry but if he didnt actually tell her to leave him alone then he probably l Iiked it.

I guess maybe for you, as you wonder this. For me I can categorically say no, anc certainly not for young boyfriends. Some ex’s I’d not look at again quite frankly. I would think more she feels shame.