AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

Whose house is it? Do you rent or own? Did he move in with you? Wishing you all the very best in your new life without this appalling twat x

I’ve only just read your update, which is a real heart sinker.

Please be very careful with this man, he will be horrendous when/if he senses you are pulling away or applying critical thinking to the situation he’s trying to bully you into.

I know it’s very personal but please be careful with contraception for as long as you are with him if you stay intimate because a classic move with men like this is to press for a baby if they feel you pulling away. That way you can’t easily escape.

Don’t feel stupid about ending up in this situation, it’s a boiled frog situation; I actually went so far as to marry an absolute corker of a twat and I like to think I’m pretty bright! 😂

The door is open OP. Don’t wait until
it closes, the longer you stay there the most difficult it will be to leave.

You have had lots of helpful replies above and I hope you can get some support from that.
For small/first steps, do you have friends or family you can go and stay with for the weekend to get a bit of head space?

There is no way in hell that would happen and I have no idea why he would want it to happen. Has he lost the plot. Your stepchild has a mother and I'm sure it would be nice if you were able to continue the relationship in some form but 50/50 - you've got to be joking. Might be better to ask what relationship he'd expect you to have with your stepchild if you divorced him.

WTF - you're role is to be a loving and supportive adult but more in an "aunt" like role than a parent, as well as to facilitate his and his child's relationship by making sure there is room for them to continue to develop it. You aren't their mother and shouldn't try to be - your instincts are correct there. Big big question mark of why he is so desperate to dump his parenting responsibilities on you. It won't be good for your relationship with your step child, or his.

He sounds dodgey, Turn it round and say he is priviledged that he has met someone who is happy to love and accept his child, help care and look after them etc. Your instincts sound good in terms of respecting the boundaries and you're never going to be her Mum. This doesn't bode well for his expectations of you going forward if you plan to marry.

He’s using you.

As a (very long term) step parent I agree with everyone else...run for the hills! He just wants someone to take over full time parenting of his child and is trying to guilt trip you into that role. Don't do it!!

You are in a really fortunate position in that you are not married to this moron, nor do you have children with him. I would end this relationship.

This hits the nail on the head.

How dare he tell you bring a stepmother is a privilege and that you should be grateful and doing more.

Your thoughtful approach shows sensitivity and intelligence. Being a stepmother is hard.

This is a huge red flag for your future and I really hope you aren’t too far along in terms of wedding planning.

Sorry OP, you’re in a shitty situation.

Do not marry this man and DO NOT have a child with him.

Stay calm, get your ducks in a row. Maybe get some individual therapy. Then run.

This is the reality of what your future life would be like if you were married to this man and from your post, it seems like you are not ready for this massive level of responsibility.

I say this with respect to you, its baggage and you seem like you are likely to be feeling overwhelmed.

I do not blame you, so whilst you are in this r/ship, your partner has decided to use coercive control to get you ready for full responsibility of his child.

Think about it carefully, give it as much time as you need but make a decision based on:-

• Your gut feelings about the situation.

• The pressure he's putting you under to 'step up'.

• It just may be time to call it off, or go ahead with the r/ship, then marriage.

It is coercive control because he has continued to pressure you, despite how you feel and your feelings are not a priority, otherwise he would have stopped..........and got the message.

Just think it through and make a decision. If you eventually feel 100‰ happy, and you feel you can cope then stay with him and if not, don't.

Any doubts you have now could be magnified after marriage - do not get trapped.

Run.

What's brilliant is you have realised how awful this situation is before getting married. Don't be like me and just follow the path of least resistance, get out now and have a wonderful life without him and his coercive control.

You aren’t trapped because fortunately you haven’t had any children with him so you can end the relationship and never see him again. You don’t owe him anything.

You are privileged to be a step-parent??? Jesus. Read all the step-parent threads on here and I would beg to differ.

He wants you to step-up and do more so he can step down. When you meet a friend and he’s left with HIS child, he resents you. He’s jealous that you still get to go out as and when you fancy it.

He's ridiculous OP. I saw your update that he'd expect you to have 50/50 contact if he passed away. HIS child isn't your responsibility lovely. You're not even his wife and he wants you to be a mummy to his child. His child has a mother already and his contact with said child is for him to spend time with and do parenting duties. It sounds very much like he wants to shove his responsibility on to you cos he's a lazy dad and wants the title without actually doing anything. I'd honestly rethink marrying him. My ex partner was similar he had his child live with him though he took his kid from his ex and ran off to his mum's where his mum looked after his kid more than he did, he wanted to move in with me and I said no because I knew I'd be the one doing all the parenting for his kid as well as my own cos he'd piss off out most nights. He soon threw it in my face the odd times I did look after his kid though when it came to giving him consequences for his behaviour though and then suddenly out came "you're not mum you can't discipline my child"

What’s your housing situation? Do you have somewhere you can go?

I would leave while he’s at work so you don’t get the emotional blackmail.

You clearly enjoy being a step-mum, and everything in the first part of your post sounded great. You have boundaries. You have care and understanding for the child and your relationship with them. You're thinking about how you can build on that without overstepping the relationships they already have with their parents. Great!

Your conscientious attitude to being in this child's life sounds absolutely spot on. Changes in family dynamics like this are difficult for everyone, especially the kids.

The comments from your fiancée are really concerning. Firstly, you are not the child's parent. He is. Responsibility lies with him (and ex-partner) morally and legally. It sounds like you have split contact with the child, and his contact time is HIS contact time - not time for his child to be regularly cared for by an unpaid babysitter.

Is there something that has triggered the shift in how he sees responsibility for his child? Has this coincided with a change in your situation, maybe your living arrangements or the engagement? What is he proposing to do with his time when you have made appointments or a social event? Is the child's Mother involved, and do you know anything about why their relationship broke down? You may be about to find out exactly why.

It sounds like there is a big divide between how you both see your future and how he views your role as a woman and life partner. It also feels there's a big inequality, and his behaviour could be viewed as controlling.

If I were you, I would be very interested to learn exactly what his expectations of you are. Play along and humour him, and get him to list them specifically one by one. You'll have it in black and white then. If you disagree and learn anything even more concerning, you don't have to accept any of his expectations whatsoever.

Be very careful about marrying someone whose expectations of life don't align. There are some fundamental views and behaviours you cannot work through. There are some big red flags here that need to be noted.

You're not trapped - you can leave. It is easier now than it will be when you're married.

He is being manipulative and abusive. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship and don't get married or get pregnant.

You have invested a lot of time and also got to know his DC but better sooner than later. Sadly this won't end well if he continues to put you in this position. Its also not fair on his son to not have a healthy boundary as he has a mum already and you are not a substitute.

Bet it was his idea to move in together. Do you have friends or family you could stay with when his DD is there, can you afford to treat yourself to a hotel stay to get a break? do this then say to him,,, 'Hey Dave I've decided you and Ava need more time together without me getting in the way so I'll be going out for the whole day and overnight when she is here' . His reaction will tell you everything.
What I'm trying to say is this kid did not come out of your uterus, therefore you have no responsibility whatsoever towards her, it is unbelievably cheeky of him to expect you not to go out at all when she is with you.

Him always wanting you around with DSC reminds me of my son's dad. He seems to not want to parent unless he is doing it with someone. He really wasn't 'into parenting' and did like offloading his responsibility onto others. It's up to you what to do but now you've clocked on don't ignore it. Hope all works out for you. Do reach out to DA support services if you need help creating a safer way to leave. My experience with women's aid was very positive. I also didn't properly see the emotional abuse so they can help you further identify that outside of what other posters have said.

Yuck this was him waving a BIG RED FLAG at you