AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

talk of gaslighting:
"fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum".

Surely he should feel privileged that he found someone who's okay marrying a bloke who already has a child with someone else, and here he is, pretending he's done you a big favour by getting someone else pregnant before he met you. 🤔

I don't get this?

I’d be more concerned why he hasn’t married you yet?

I think his kid has saved you from a pretty tricky marriage and a ton of rubbish for your future. It was the little one that set your alarm bells going off.

Please go talk to someone, mum, sibling, good dear friend. Let them help you find your exit. As hard as it all seems now, it will get better. I doubt there is one single woman who's regretted leaving a manipulator and emotional abuser. Sending huge hugs and wish you well going forward.

@Theworldonfire

I know this is hard for you to digest. But you have been taken advantage of by this man. He doesn't want a partner to share his life with. He wants a 'mummy' to do the parenting that he should be doing. I'll bet if his ex could sit you down for a calm discussion you would find out that she was expected to do it all, too.

The best thing you can do now is leave. Or if it's your home, tell him to leave. Do you really want to spend the next 30, 40, 50 years as this man's nanny and in later years his nurse? Or would you rather be free to find someone who will value and love you for you, not for what you provide for them?

It really makes you wonder what ended the previous relationship.

Hi OP, I've read your later posts, and I just wanted to stop by again and give you reassurance. You say you've never talked about any of this out loud. It's hard to do that, but you've taken a big step today.

It sounds like you've had your doubts for some time about other behaviours he's displayed, which when you type it out and see it plainly in front of you, make you feel awful. I assure you though, the awfulness is all on him. The responses here have overwhelmingly talked about manipulation and control, which I think, if you are 100% honest with yourself, you were aware of on some level. Aware enough to post on here to ask others.

The comments from him about you having 50/50 care of his child, if he died, "because it's his dying wish", is not reality and sounds like manipulation to make you feel guilt and obligation. Even if you were married to him, and he died, his 'share' of the care does not default to you. It defaults back to the remaining living parent - they may want to maintain contact with you, but they also may not, as you rightly point out.

The lack of care for you when you were significantly ill speaks volumes. It's very worrying, and you're right to feel unhappy about it. At best, it is incredibly uncaring - at worst, it is very manipulative at a time when you are especially vulnerable. It suggests elements of a very dangerous personality trait.

You will no doubt feel so many difficult and upsetting feelings reading all these replies, though it has confirmed what I think you already know, and that means you have the power within you to change things.

There honestly needs to be a new word for the new partners of divorced/separated parents. I feel like “step mum” and “step dad” should be reserved for situations where the real mum or dad has passed on or has basically zero contact, so the new partner is genuinely taking on a parenting role.

There’s no need for the partner of a parent who has 50/50 shared care (or in the case of many men, far less) to be referred to as a parent of any kind. That’s not their role.

Please make any plan you can to leave asap rather than legally tie yourself to that man

TLDR: He wants everything his way to your detriment.

He claims he would do all sorts of things if he was a stepfather, yet doesn't want the responsibility of parenting his own child alone.

That he pushed so hard when you were obviously unwell is a telling sign; the relationship is all about his needs.

You are expected by him to put his child first, regardless of your own commitments. He actually doesn't want you to have any other commitments beyond looking after his child.

He truly has put you in the "mother" role in his own mind. If you marry him, he will (as pp have said) swan off to do everything he wants. You will be left at home looking after his child.

What he has in mind for you is in NO way a marriage of equals.

This guy is a massive problem. Thankfully you can leave (with Women's Aid's help!). Just praying for the DSC to see through it when he's older

Do not have a baby with him, do not marry him, run as fast as you can. Trust your gut instinct.

I thought I’d read similar posts but couldn’t find them.

What a knobhead. Dump him, OP

I have got to be honest. : Being a STEP parent is a role That I would detest....I have grown up children AND other people's children, to me, when mine were little : were ( in my eyes) BRATS, that I could not stand. I'm trying to be honest so that I can paint a true picture.....If I was a STEP parent I should Not Know where my role BEGAN or Finished. I woukd be perpetually confused. ALSO there's another aspect: I have been watching s court case in USA of a little girl who was in the care of a STEP mother when something awful happened and the inevitable finger - pointing saying STEP MUM did not care enough to watch the child AND the subsequent dissolution of the second marriage after the tragedy.

Of course you would not have any contact with his child if he dies unless his mother agrees. It is mother and father with parental responsibility, noone else. What is more if you split up you have no right to see the child ever again. You have been gaslit

You’ve posted about this multiple times and have received consistent advice. What are you hoping to get this time?

Red flags don’t turn green . Run .

Be very, very careful please OP. You appear to have been graciously doing the best you can to handle a tricky situation i.e. bonding with someone else’s child, sensibly at your own pace, but not now to the satisfaction of your fiancé. So the reality is that you are being judged negatively by a bloke who has already failed in a relationship, has no idea or conception of any aspects of motherhood but who simply wants a new ready made full-on Mum for his child. This is a bad start to family relationship building. Your partner sounds selfish and immature and yourself, perhaps a little too easy going and naive. The demands being made on you just now are bad, but I can assure you (personal experience) your angst will be multiplied many times over in the years ahead if you don’t walk away from this relationship now, before you get in any deeper.

@Theworldonfire do you have friends and family you can go to for supper to Leave this man ? Do you live together ?
Use MN for support if need be and work your way to leaving. Ending the engagement and leave him to parent his own child .

I read your post thinking how lucky your step child is for having such a caring and supporting step mum... but who isn't overstepping and I wish my kid's step mum was like you. You're doing nothjng wrong, the first response nailed it. Then you explained more and it solidified my thoughts- he wants someone to help him babysit his kid, but then isn't prioritising your needs in the relationship m- it's all about what he wants. I bet if you start thinking you will find other examples of how he doesn't prioritise your needs and how his needs always come first.
Sorry, kust be hard to read all of the responses about your life, in black and white. Wishing you well. Run.

You would be foolish to marry him.

Or stay with him.

He wants you taking care of his child so he can do what he wants when he wants and you're left holding the baby.

The little lad is 7, HTH

Your instincts are spot on OP, he is being completely unreasonable. Whatever you do, don't have children with him, please.

Please, please do not marry this man. He sounds utterly manipulative.

I know it’s not her child, not her problem but my god, that poor little 4 year old. A father who can’t be asked and from the sounds of it, problems with the mother too.