AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

The "He's very critical if I have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days child is staying" is a red flag.
Does he expect you to be there all the time, without a life of your own?
When does he have one on one with his child?
Did he expect the same of his wife/former partner?
You have your own life..with appointments and friendships, just as he has. It's unhealthy to expect these things of you and you need to tell him that.

Do NOT marry this man. Make him your ex-fiance. Too many red flags to mention but I think you already know this, it is why you posted. This man is not your partner. It's only one sided. HiS side.

Not sure if you live with this man?? If you do, move out.

If not, don't.

And get angry. Finish with him, block him, threaten to call the police if he messages you again. Tell him and mean it.

A "tosspot"...love it! The term, not the shitey gaslighting behavior. Leave this arsehole...via a printout of every one of these comments topped with a post it note "THIS"

Sorry Im a mum and NO. He is being ridiculous and this is probably why his marriage ended his attitude towards mothers. I would not marry a man that sees things this way.

This!

He is a tosspot

I am one more in the ‘run away’ camp.
Find your ducks, line them up, fly away as fast as possible.

Have you got real life support? A friend to confide in, who won’t go tattling back to him? He sounds like he is already dialling up control of you with his expectations.
Wishing you all good things.

Yeah I agree - I’ve been there too , at least when I was younger!! I’d attract CFs in both romantic relationships and friendships who liked to take the piss. I worked with vulnerable young people and adults and unfortunately gave people in my personal life the same grace I gave the service users in my work and I was inevitably taken advantage of.

He sounds pathetic. What does he mean he can’t cope looking after his child for 50% of the time unless his fiance is helping out? It’s frustrating how many men can’t look after their children alone but expect their exes to.

And only does he want to trap her into servitude, but it sounds like he resents her for not having the responsibility of a child. I mean not only is he badgering her if she isn’t up when his child comes over, he isn’t happy at the idea of her moving on her with her own life even if he dies! He wants her tied down with his child forever. What a bizarre “dying wish”.

You know what you have to do @Theworldonfire. Leave this relationship. Def do not get married

seems dad doesn’t want to do dad duties and wants to nudge you into doing things

yes as a step parent you love the child hopefully. But they aren’t your child and yes if dad died, unless you get on well with mum , you are unlikely to see the child again

which can be hard for the children in a split relationship esp if get on well with the step parent

Please back out from this relationship. He’s dumped parenting responsibilities on you because he’s clearly not able to look after his child on his own. When his child isn’t there he’s living a single man’s life and doesn’t want to spend time with you. You’ve done the right thing by his child, please do right by you and leave this man to face his responsibilities on his own.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

He is totally gaslighting you here. No doubt some women do love being as stepmum and that’s lovely but realistically he knows that many people in fact don’t particularly want to be stepparents. So before you get cold feet about it he’s acting as if you’ve won some coveted and sought after role to make you think you’re super lucky lol

I had a guy with 3 children try that with me. I said I wasn’t interested as I don’t date men with kids and he then told me how wonderful it is to be a stepparent.

I said that’s great you think like that , why don’t you find a woman with kids and be a stepdad to her kids?

He went silent 😂

I bet there is. I also bet op is an empath and in a caring profession like a nurse or primary teacher and she has a history of allowing people to get away with bad behaviour because they had bad childhoods. (It’s me op!)

he seems like a terrible father what child would want to do 5050 with a step parent - of course they might want to see you regularly especially if they had half siblings but defo not 5050.

i bet he is one of these horrible men that made his ex do all the work with the child and neglected her so they broke up, despite this he fought her for 5050 to avoid child maintenance and retain control (which he even wants to retain posthumously!!) and now that he’s got his equal care he complains about how hard and lonely it is for HIM if his girfriend isn’t doing it with /for him.

just because this man has put a ring on his finger it does not mean he will love or care for you and your wellbeing op he just wants to trap you in this life of servitude

My maths isn’t great but if the child is 7 and you’ve been together 7 years - does that mean he got with you when his child was just a few months old? Did he leave his ex when she was pregnant?

I hope you listen to all the advice OP, run far away from this man.

ETA: oops i misread - you’ve only been together 4 years. He still split up with his ex when his child was quite young though. That always make me raise my eyebrows and wonder why.

When you want time together you need ‘cradling’ ?!? That is so unkind! It doesn’t sound like he likes you much op. And don’t you want a partner who wants 1-1 time with you?! Surely every dad or man wants that with his girlfriend? If you have a child with him you’ll be very alone and unhappy. You’d be better off having one alone with your family support than with this shit dad.

Sorry Op but he sounds unhinged as well as taking the utter piss out of you. He has zero respect for you - I’m curious , is there a big age gap?

You sound like a lovely step mum and he sounds like a coercive controller or someone with no ability to empathize with your perspective. Stay true to yourself and continue to make plans, the child benefits from 1-1 boys time with dad too. Dad is just too lazy to organize that. I don’t think you’ll have a happy life with this man op.

I would personally leave that situation. I’m a step mother and anything I do is seen as a bonus, as I am not the parent.

This sounds a potentially abusive situation. I recommend seeing a qualified therapist.

You sound like an amazing stepmom- he sounds like a shit partner!

Please take advice from so many of us on here who have ‘been there’ or seen this before with friends.

This man is being unfair to YOU.

He is" putting you in your place". Preparing you for where he wants you to be. He wants you to be his resource not his equal.
You sound lovely, accomodating, flexible and amenable and lacking experience of this family set up. All of these characteristics make you more malleable to being manouvred into situations that you cannot say no too....childcare, cleaning, school picks ups, drop offs, afterschools activities. Whereas a woman with experience of previous marriage or live in relationship would see him coming miles away and he would not have the same interest as she is harder to or more resilient to being shaped to his wants and needs. He is the parent and is " sharing" it with you. He needs to step up to being the parent he is. You need to consider stepping away....which is not failure but self protection.

He's manipulating you OP.
You are not the child's parent. He has no right to tell you this.

You are not a parent. His child is his responsibility alongside the actual mother.

Frankly id get out now before you get married and are tied to him.
Do you live together? Who does the property belong to ?

He’s absolutely mental.

Please walk away. Quietly. With your pride, sanity and money intact.

Run!

This.

I've also been a step mum for nearly 30 years now (we're very close to one another).

I cannot express enough, especially from your update, you need to run for the hills from this man. Run and don't look back.

This
just imagine if you had your own child you’d have hell on he’d say you loved your child more than your stepchild and make your life hell!