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Original poster

AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

587 replies

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

OP posts:
Ireolu · 06/05/2026 08:59

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Do not marry this man.

He is manipulating you and it will only get worse with marriage. Leave and be free of this mind fuck.

Thisisusie · 06/05/2026 08:58

Doone22 · 06/05/2026 08:14

You sound like you are doing a good job already but he clearly envisages you as a fully replacement parent. Which might be fine if everyone wants that. But do you? Does the child? What's the mum like?
I was a step parent and the kids lived with us full time and I acted exactly as a parent would, you know dealing with school, doctors, clothes, nits, etc
I don't know your exact situation but you can't force someone to "love more" and you already sound like a better parent than many biological ones.
No helpful advice I'm afraid just don't worry that you're not enough. You are.

Well yeah she is clearly doing enough, more than enough. But it’s clear he is not and he’s actually using her and that she needs to run - that’s the issue here.

Even if she did want to be like a bio parent -and it doesn’t sound like that - she doesn’t have the same legal rights and responsibilities and he could walk away after a separation and never let her see the kid again.

Also OP reminder that fiance isn’t married! I’ve known people engaged for years and never get married, strictly speaking you’re not even the child’s stepparent.

L0bstersLass · 06/05/2026 08:21

@Theworldonfire, he is a manipulative shit.
I hope you find the strength and confidence to leave him
You don't need to tell him why you're calling it a day. Much better to not explain as all he'll do is work on your reasons to try to get you to change your mind.

Doone22 · 06/05/2026 08:14

You sound like you are doing a good job already but he clearly envisages you as a fully replacement parent. Which might be fine if everyone wants that. But do you? Does the child? What's the mum like?
I was a step parent and the kids lived with us full time and I acted exactly as a parent would, you know dealing with school, doctors, clothes, nits, etc
I don't know your exact situation but you can't force someone to "love more" and you already sound like a better parent than many biological ones.
No helpful advice I'm afraid just don't worry that you're not enough. You are.

Lifesd · 06/05/2026 08:13

Thank your lucky stars you posted this thread and got decent advice from women who have been there and done that. I hope you don’t marry this piss taker of a man who wants to palm
off responsibility of his son to you to make his life easier!

Phoenixfire1988 · 06/05/2026 08:13

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Well i think you know the answer dont you ? Its not family time he wants its you looking after his kid so he doesn't have to . I'm sure his child appreciates time alone with dad but he doesn't want that because it means he has to actually parent .

Darkladyofthesonnets · 06/05/2026 08:08

Of course you don't love your stepchild in the way you'd love your own child - because they are not your child. My husband has an excellent relationship with his stepmother - she's a lovely person and unblushingly introduces me to people as her daughter in law. She has been great with my children who were her husband's grandchildren not hers. When my FIL died after a very long marriage we were thrilled when she met a fellow widower and they got married. But my husband does not consider her his mother and his own mother is still alive. He will inherit from her and not from his stepmother. I think that he and his stepmother have a warm regard for each other but it's not the same as parental love. Now I know there may be exceptions where a stepmother has raised a child from infancy and has been the only mother figure around but it is utterly mad for your fiancé to expect you to love his child as if you were a parent. You're not a parent - your would-be stepchild has two parents and you are not one of them.

I know many women who have been stepmothers. They have all said it was very difficult - even my husband's delightful stepmother. The issue seems to centre round being responsible but without any right to correct a child's behaviour. It seems they get all the bad bits of parenting without any of the good bits. The idea that being a stepparent is a privilege would make them fall off their chairs laughing.

He seems to want you to take over the "mothering" role so he has less of the fathring role to perform. He sounds an utter wally and I'd be having a very hard look at his behaviour. Actually, I'd be running in the opposite direction as fast as I could. When I was young, single and childless, I wouldn't have even gone on a second date with anybody with children. Why would I want to sign up to
looking after a child that wasn't mine, having to make life choices centreing around a child who wasn't mine, putting up with a potentially hostile ex and having less money because he was supporting a child from a previous relationship? Wake up OP because it isn't going to get better from here on in.

TeaAndTrumpet · 06/05/2026 08:04

I’m sure that over 400 posts in I’m just echoing a lot of points, but just want to add to the chorus of get out while you still can!

No matter how hard you think it is now, it will only get harder if you’re married. Right now you can just walk out the door.

What he’s saying is not normal. If anyone is lucky in this setup, it’s him, who’s found someone who likes/loves his child as much as you do. He’s clearly just after help with his childcare and does not have your best interests at heart.

FeelingALittleWoozyHere · 06/05/2026 07:57

Goodness OP he sounds awful. Please start planning your escape

Bluedenimdoglover · 06/05/2026 07:56

Well, he's criticising you now, so what's it going to be like if you have a child with him? He may well accuse you of putting your child first in everything. You need to ask him honestly what he expects of you - in front of his ex. She will have her own view on what she expects from you as a step-mum. I wouldn't marry him or have a child with him.

thornbury · 06/05/2026 07:13

This man is not for you.

DH has a daughter I've known since she was 3. I've bathed her, put her to bed, fed her, entertained her, taken her out. I would do anything she needed while in my/our care. She often stayed in school hols when I was home and DH still had to work.

He never expressed any of the sentiments your partner says to you. I don't love her like I do my own daughter, and neither would it be appropriate- she already has two parents who adore her. I couldn't have married DH if the set up was like the situation you've described.

Thepossibility · 06/05/2026 07:08

I really, really hope you manage to get out. He's going to squeeze and squeeze you until you are a shell of a human. You were not put on this earth to solely serve this man and his child, and he won't be content until that is all you do. Anything you do or want for yourself is unacceptable in his eyes because you are simply the woman/mum/servant bot that he has found to suit his needs.

HoppingPavlova · 06/05/2026 06:59

Run far and fast. No amount of conversation will save this. Do not marry this man, just walk away. Your future self will thank you.

PenelopePinkerton · 06/05/2026 06:51

I agree with everyone else. Get out now.

jeaux90 · 06/05/2026 06:49

OP he doesn’t actually sound like HE likes being a parent, want any 1-1
time with his DC or take any sole responsibility. I’d reverse this on him AND leave. He is taking the piss.

parkezvous · 06/05/2026 06:44

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 05/05/2026 09:58

He expects you to be a good little woman and care for his child so he doesn't have to. A nanny with a fanny.

Run.

exactly this!

Peony1985 · 06/05/2026 06:42

He doesn’t seem to like you that much does he. I mean in normal life not when he’s giving you the odd grand gesture.

Tell him he absolutely right. You cannot love his daughter as much as her actual mum does and nor do you think you should . And leave.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 06/05/2026 06:41

StonwEd · 05/05/2026 10:00

Please please please leave him. You are just another mother as far as he's concerned and you deserve to experience falling in love and seeing the big wide world without this shit.

Then when or if you're ready to be a mum, you can do it with the right person at the right time.

Just run, this won't end well.

This!!

Tattletale26 · 06/05/2026 06:34

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Don't marry him. Do. Not. Marry. Him. Do NOT marry him.

Dump.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 06/05/2026 06:18

Bonden · 05/05/2026 23:56

He is a tosspot

Succinct but fair

Thisisusie · 06/05/2026 05:56

CarrotGiraffeandaTeddyBear · 05/05/2026 22:26

You’ve posted about this multiple times and have received consistent advice. What are you hoping to get this time?

What have they posted before ? I looked under their username and couldn’t see any other threads.

Thisisusie · 06/05/2026 05:51

Voneska · 05/05/2026 22:28

I have got to be honest. : Being a STEP parent is a role That I would detest....I have grown up children AND other people's children, to me, when mine were little : were ( in my eyes) BRATS, that I could not stand. I'm trying to be honest so that I can paint a true picture.....If I was a STEP parent I should Not Know where my role BEGAN or Finished. I woukd be perpetually confused. ALSO there's another aspect: I have been watching s court case in USA of a little girl who was in the care of a STEP mother when something awful happened and the inevitable finger - pointing saying STEP MUM did not care enough to watch the child AND the subsequent dissolution of the second marriage after the tragedy.

Was that the case where the stepmother had had an argument with the little girl and she was out playing unsupervised right in front of the house, before some sort of tragedy happened? I vaguely remember a US story like that recently but can’t remember what happened to the child. I do recall various people blaming the stepmother in the comments.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 06/05/2026 05:47

Oh my God, you poor thing. Please please leave him. Your life will be hell if you don't. He's a selfish bastard with only his needs in mind. Be strong, wake up to yourself, don't let him talk you into staying. You were unwell and he was bored of being with his child all the time? But you should take over? You sound young and inexperienced, and he's taking advantage of you. The fact that you have to ask strangers if you're in the wrong, shows how much power he has over you and how much he is manipulating you. Run!!

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/05/2026 04:44

I’ve just read your last post and just so glad you see now what’s going on.

His expectations of you are outrageous.

asdbaybeeee · 06/05/2026 03:37

He’s expecting you to pick up most of the parenting and is annoyed you are not. As two adults you should be able to discuss this and compromise but it reads like he’s ignoring you and telling you off. That does not read well for a good future together. If you had children together it’s likely you would be critiqued and found lacking if you weren’t running round doing everything. I’d seriously consider if this relationship has longevity.