AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

@Sheepdog49 , that's a normal, healthy, relationship. OP's doesn't seem anything like that.

Yes he is trapping you. He is very manipulative.

You know this now. What are you going to do?

Are there other parts of your relationship where he is abusive OP? What is the financial set up? Who is paying for his child, do you cover 50% of the cost? Is he high earner? Do you split finances 50/50? Any complaints from him re you ‘not contributing enough’ on that front?

What is he like with intimacy, sulks and gets pissed off when you are not in the mood?

I suspect he’s controllinh and manipulative in other areas of your life too, question is whether you can see that yet.

Hey. Just wanted to offer a story that might resonate (or may well not!).

I have two kids and when my now husband met them he was great but hands off. They have a dad who is very involved and I was fine with this. I did feel a pressure to ‘integrate him’ with the kids and so pushed a little for us to do things together ‘as a family’ but all school / life admin was mine of course. Over the years he’s naturally become more involved - and then we had our own child together which helped the ‘melting pot’ even more. It’s been years now and he is very very hands on but even that said I still do all their school stuff / attend all school meetings etc - he will come if it’s a sports day or something to ‘cheer’ and I do all academic stuff (with or without their dad if he’s available).

I would be lying if I said the road to get here was without bumps; building a blended family is hard to get a balance with. But I have never expected him to behave like their parent - for him AND for them - they have two parents. He is an added extra that they’ve come to greatly appreciate. I’ve also been protective of my time with them alone and he is massively respectful of that (I take each of them away once a year for a weekend alone etc).

I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s been trial and error and some things we’ve got wrong and some right but the whole way through it’s been a discussion - if he’s ever uncomfortable I listen, if I ever feel he’s overstepping or under stepping, he listens and we find a middle ground. It’s been a journey and continues to be as they grow and change. if you don’t feel you can have difficult conversations with him about this and have him hear you and work with you to find something that is ok for all of you, it’s going to be very difficult.

im really sorry you’re going through this. Big hug xx

Nailed it.

OP, you feel trapped because he wants you to feel trapped. He wants you to feel obligated to him, but you are not.
You can leave and you must leave. Carry on as normal, don't do anything that will tip him off that you are on your way out. In the background, out of his sight you must make a plan and then follow through with it.

Please take note. Be thankful that you’ve had this warning before it’s too late

when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone.

So when you want adult company you're being needy and want 'cradling' (wherever he got that term from). But when he wants your company he's being...what exactly?

So we can add hypocrite to his list of qualities now.

What are you going to do about this feeling, because your body is clearly telling you that this situation is wrong and you need out of it. I hope you're listening to it.

Saying that you wanting to spend time with him is 'cradling' is vile. He's trying to make you sound unreasonable and demanding whereas it's a normal part of being in a relationship.

It's more gaslighting.

What an absolutely terrifying read. You are in a highly controlling, abusive relationship and about to marry him as he ramps up the control and abuse.
He is a really bad man and you haven't seen the real him at all.
This is just slowly ramping up.
He wants a skivvy aupair. His type will be keen to get you pregnant to make you feel stuck. I would be very careful now. Reach out to family and friends and move out asap. Don't entertain marrying him unless you want a life of abuse and misery. Be so glad you are finally waking up to just how bad this could be for you.

Please tell me you are leaving?

Please leave, he’s manipulating you into taking on full care of the child when they’re with you. Don’t marry him.

Also agree it's very odd that he would want you to have his child 50pc of the time if he died. It's not your child, you haven't formally adopted them, it might not be in the child's best interest, the mum would be unlikely to agree

Does his ex have a new partner? Does he expect the new partner to take a full parental / father role? Would he want to send his child to their step fathers house for half the time if his ex died?

Hi OP

Do you want to marry someone who:

• 'Pushes back' when you're ill rather than support you?
• doesn't want to spend any time with you unless you're useful in sharing childcare
• resents you having a lie in
• can't parent alone without feeling 'isolated and lonely'
• tells you how things are going to be rather than discusses approach together
• tries to emotionally manipulate you into getting what he wants (eg accusing you of not loving your step child)
• tells you how you should feel

It's clear to everyone here that he isn't being fair to you or the child, is only thinking about himself, and sees you primarily as someone to share the parenting load with (even though he doesn't even have his own child full time)

I don't think you'll be able to talk someone like this out of it, as it's not behaviour or an opinion, it's a mindset that he has grown up with, that women are responsible for childcare (even for children that aren't theirs)

He's an abusive idiot, leave.

Wow OP. He is training you to be his childcare. That is all you’ll ever be to him. He wants you there and present when his child is there, and wants nothing to do with you when his child is absent.

There's not a right or wrong here, it's what you both want and it can't be forced or imposed. You clearly don't feel that for SC (totally fine, why should you!) And you clearly don't want to be a mother to them or take on responsibility for things you don't see as your role. He needs to respect that, he is the parent not you. If he was with someone who did want that, and he wanted that, then great it works for everyone (so long as SC is also happy) but that's not the case.
I'd seriously think about marrying this man, he and you both have a different life goal/view and he'll always be disappointed you aren't mothering his child and you clearly do not wish to do that (nor should you if it's not your bag/it's not your responsibility). Step parents can take different roles, some really do adopt kids (literally in some cases) and view them as their own, do everything etc. Some take more the role you want (friendly, enjoy playing, act like an aunt type role) it really depends on the children, family set up and wants of the parent/SP. If you both disagree on this it'll lead to resentment and unhappiness..

I’m so glad you are listening to what posters are saying and coming to the realisation of what he’s expecting.
He is hugely manipulative and controlling. Please get out now, before you are married or have more children with him. It will only get much worse.
For what it’s worth, you sound like a wonderful step parent who is already doing the “perfect amount” in terms of caring for and supporting them. The fact your partner expects more and more shows exactly what he’s after. Someone to do all the parenting for him. Everything that HE should be doing.
Please get out and find someone you can build a lovely life with.

There is a world of difference between being a step parent and a birth parent! You are not a replacement Mum although you are doing a lot anyway.I would rethink this RL, and realise you could be trapped long term if you marry or have a child with him.you are young and there are many single men without DC

Also, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out why his relationship with the mother ended!

Run. Run and don't look back.

OP have you posted about this before? If not, there's someone else on here whose partner resents her being allowed to sleep in when his child is there.

Either way, you should leave him.

It sounds like you’re caring for two children, not one. He doesn’t want to be the lead adult so is guilting you into that role, and he doesn’t want to parent his own child so he’s trying to foist the responsibility on to you. I’ll bet you are the one who does all the cooking and cleaning and who comes up with ideas for things to do while the child is there. It. And it may even be that does activities which them - baking, games, etc. while he sits on his phone. Have you tried pushing back, and if so, what did he say? Either way, do not marry him - he sounds like an incompetent waste of space.

You've been troubled by his behaviour for months now @Theworldonfire , you know it's not right and just needed MN to say you're not in the wrong. He doesn't really care for you, why waste your life being his servant. Get out and go and have a happy life