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Original poster

AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

587 replies

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 10/05/2026 19:16

Well done for making a plan.
You dont need to put up with his crap anymore.
Can you take tomorrow off?
Leave for work as usual then go home and pack everything you want to take to your mums for a bit.
The essentials you need, and everything personal/valuable(financial or sentimental), documents etc.

Chilly80 · 10/05/2026 19:10

Wishing you well for the future

TheBlueKoala · 10/05/2026 19:09

@Theworldonfire good decision. You will feel so much better without him.

bigboykitty · 10/05/2026 19:08

I'm so glad you talked to your mum and are going there to stay. He's really shown his true colours. What a hideous specimen. Thanks for the update and wishing you all the best 💐

PS what a fkn shit parent he is!!

Imdunfer · 10/05/2026 19:07

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

Thank goodness for that, you have escaped marriage to that monster by the skin of your teeth. Well done, onwards and upwards to something a lot better.

PygmyOwl · 10/05/2026 19:06

OP I am so pleased to read your update. Thank goodness for your lovely mum! Good luck tomorrow.

Original poster
Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2026 16:29

@Theworldonfire

You don't need to reply. Just hoping you're doing OK and taking any actions you feel are right for you.

Oxycarpus · 10/05/2026 07:08

Ditch him. He's controlling you and telling you what to think and do. This will create resentment. Free yourself and run for the hills now.

LubyLooTwo · 09/05/2026 20:25

He's over stepping the mark anc is being unreasonable.. Before you make any further commitments to this man set down your own boundaries. If you are not happy make sure you stay living apart.

ScreamingBeans · 09/05/2026 19:17

Haven't RTFT but just from your first post I would say run for the hills. This guy sounds really awful.

NoisyBuilder · 07/05/2026 20:09

The upside OP, is that you woke up to all this manipulative shite before you got married.

Thank your lucky stars.

Whatsappweirdo · 07/05/2026 19:07

Hope you’re ok x

pinkyredrose · 07/05/2026 13:56

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Fuck that! I'd move out asap.

bitterbuddhist · 06/05/2026 19:21

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Why are you marrying this man again, OP?

Newusername3kidss · 06/05/2026 18:43

Run run run. Never heard the phrase “nanny with a fanny” before but this is it! He’s expecting you to basically parent his child when it’s his turn.

thismummydrinksgin · 06/05/2026 18:40

Be careful. He wants you to do all the leg work of having a child so he doesn’t have to. He wants you Ito do his job. Keep you boundaries and stand firm with him.

Sheepdog49 · 06/05/2026 18:16

BleedinglyObvious · 06/05/2026 15:56

@Sheepdog49 , that's a normal, healthy, relationship. OP's doesn't seem anything like that.

💯 I totally agree - I perhaps explained badly but I was trying to show that as the biological parent I would never behave like he has…just to kind of say, that’s now how all biological parents behave when a step parent enters the realm!

ThisJadeBear · 06/05/2026 18:07

You are not trapped @Theworldonfire
You are a young woman with your own life and you don’t need to be anywhere near this man.
He is treating you no better than if you’d been trafficked in on a lorry and sold to him. I’m sorry if that sounds extreme - no offence meant - but it’s more about getting you to see you are being used here for childcare and domestic chores and if you are sick you are ignored.
It is beyond vile. So her do XYZ? So f*cking what? No, he wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to look after his own child, he won’t want to look after anyone else’s.
He does not care about you and has no respect for you. You are useful when you are on ‘duty’ and that’s about it.
Having walked in your shoes I walked out. I did not regret it. Not for a second. I did miss the two children involved for a while but I was soon replaced.
You cannot allow yourself to waste any more time stuck with this abusive, selfish pig.
When you are out of it, and have had some time to heal you won’t regret it.
If you stay, you will be shackled. If you have your own child with, it will get worse.
You are worth so much more than this and don’t feel bad at all, he’s led you into a situation where the red flags were not familiar.

TeaCupTinsel · 06/05/2026 17:57

This is absolute b*llocks and he is taking the mick! I've had a step mum for 34 years and whilst I love her to bits, she has never assumed the role as 'mother', more like 'in loco parentis' like a teacher but able to give hugs and support in a closer way. Dad is the one needing to parent and, yes, by all means have family days out etc but you shouldn't have to stop your life and 'do more' as that's his child. He is clearly trying to line you up to do more of the childcare labour and I would put a stop to it now. If he maintains this demand I'd be seriously rethinking marrying him!

Wingingit73 · 06/05/2026 17:46

He sounds terrible.

Voneska · 06/05/2026 16:47

Thisisusie · 06/05/2026 05:51

Was that the case where the stepmother had had an argument with the little girl and she was out playing unsupervised right in front of the house, before some sort of tragedy happened? I vaguely remember a US story like that recently but can’t remember what happened to the child. I do recall various people blaming the stepmother in the comments.

Show quote history

Yes. The child was kidnapped and never returned alive. Amen.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2026 16:12

BleedinglyObvious · 06/05/2026 16:09

He is a horrible man who will not change.
He will. He'll get worse.

Agreed - I stand corrected. He will get worse.

BleedinglyObvious · 06/05/2026 16:09

He is a horrible man who will not change.
He will. He'll get worse.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2026 16:07

"He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time."

Oh my. You were really really ill and taking care of you was nowhere on his radar. Instead, he treated you like the domestic appliance he sees you to be; what was important to him was what the broken appliance wasn't doing for him, the appliance itself was treated as an appliance with no feelings, no rights, no humanity.

"When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”."
So, he sees his time as being spent in one of two ways -

  1. 'family time' where he rolls you out as his domestic appliance to handle his child
  2. 'alone time' where he does what he wants and tells his domestic appliance to get back in their box until he next needs their services. Sad

"Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn."
You are not trapped - yet. Engagements can be broken. Even if you were married, divorces can be had. Having a child with him would tie you to him for 18 years minimum. Did your stomach drop reading that last sentence? I imagine it did. So make damned sure you are in control of your contraception. Right now, you are NOT trapped. You can walk. I'd rather you ran, but you can end this relationship ASAP. Today. This minute.

Fail his tests. Don't meet his ridiculous expectations. Assert your humanity, reject being his domestic appliance. So what if he sulks? Leave.

Please, please - run far, run fast. He is a horrible man who will not change.