Page 3 | AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

Theworldonfire · 2026-05-05T08:56:01+00:00

Hi, i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives). this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out. I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us. he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love. fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all. Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Thisisusie · 10/05/2026 21:20

OP I’ve said it upthread but I’ll say it again - this man doesn’t care about you at all. He has no compassion or consideration for you and he is jealous that you’re child-free.

He’s trying to make his responsibility, your burden and it’s not. So please run and stay at your mums until you’re able to get your own place.

And also look into therapy to gain understanding on why you’ve tolerated this so you can be aware of the red flags next time.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/05/2026 21:13

I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want.……..

MWhat ever you do don’t go back.

That man shoukd not have had 50:50 either. He resents his child, and he is horrible.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/05/2026 21:04

If I were your dsc child I would want to like and trust you, and to enjoy being with you, but I would not want you pretending to be my mother, or my ‘parent’. (Unless their mother has died or run off, and even then I’d want boundaries.)

Whiteheadhouse · 10/05/2026 21:03

You do realise he is controlling, manipulative and coercive? I absolutely believe he is capable of serious abuse of you.
Gather anything sentimental, paperwork, jewellery, passport etc., and bring them with you.
He is quite capable of destroying stuff or losing your stuff out of spite.
Take anything of real value.
Do not tell him anything.
Can you leave after him?
Email work that you will be late and gather a decent bag of clothes.This is a bad man who sees you as a skivvy. He is a shit father and definitely not a man to ever have a child with.
He will definitely try and get you back, be ready for that. He doesn't like his child and needs a woman, any woman to be his skivvy aupair.
Such a narrow escape.

NameChangeAgain48 · 10/05/2026 20:54

He resents you. He resents his DC. he thinks your purpose is to serve him and his child. I'm glad your leaving. His a shit dad and a shit partner. You deserve better.

pinkyredrose · 10/05/2026 20:54

Great update Op! Hope you're feeling ok.

Janicchoplin · 10/05/2026 20:51

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Op. This isn't a healthy relationship. But I think you know that. I am so sorry..its going to get worse until you don't know which is right or left.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2026 20:41

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

JFC his behaviour and attitude are absolutely shocking! His sense of entitlement is off the charts and he is incredibly rude as well.

I'm so glad that your mum is supportive and that you will be staying with her for a while.

I predict that he will have a massive tantrum and he might make some promises that he has no intention of keeping to try and win you back. Stay strong!

Holdinguphalfthesky · 10/05/2026 20:37

Kokonimater · 10/05/2026 20:33

He’s narcissistic and using coercive control. Please be aware when he realises you’ve gone that he will try every trick in the book to get you back. he will make promises, he will cry, he will beg. He will be very persuasive please look after yourself. And please see through all the promises he will make.

Because he’s shown you who he really is take lots of care of yourself.

This.

Good luck @Theworldonfire , you sound lovely, which is how he hooked you in the first place. Stay strong, the kindest thing for your DSD is a clean break and it’s the kindest thing for you, too. As pp said, he will throw everything from flattery to abuse at you to make you change your mind and come back to be his maid and nanny once again. Stay strong, you’ll be amazed at how good it feels to not be with a manipulator.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 10/05/2026 20:34

You’ve dodged a bullet here @Theworldonfire thank goodness you are realising this now and not post-wedding xx

Kokonimater · 10/05/2026 20:33

He’s narcissistic and using coercive control. Please be aware when he realises you’ve gone that he will try every trick in the book to get you back. he will make promises, he will cry, he will beg. He will be very persuasive please look after yourself. And please see through all the promises he will make.

Because he’s shown you who he really is take lots of care of yourself.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 10/05/2026 20:31

Wonder if he'll start the 'woe is me' once he realises you've left, or accuse you of abandoning his DD, which in turn is where you can remind him that as you're not married she isn't infact your DSD at all.

I'd also do as suggested if you can and pack all of your belongings so you've no need to go back.

Hopefully being away will give you some thinking time in that he really isn't the man you want, or should be wasting spending your future with.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2026 20:29

Good news @Theworldonfire , I'm so glad you're leaving, he's really showing his true colours now.

Mykneesareshot · 10/05/2026 19:48

I'm glad to hear this. Don't look back.

Bigtrapeze · 10/05/2026 19:43

Well done OP. I think you'll look back and realise you've dodged a bullet. I've been a stepmum for 16 years and my husband would never, ever think any of this. His child is his responsibility. Imagine how he would be if you had kids yourself? Run for the hills and don't look back. Good luck, OP

Pessismistic · 10/05/2026 19:42

Op he’s showing you the real him and he’s controlling you with the manipulation he’s the dad. That’s his job. I hope you decide not to carry on with someone who thinks so little of you I get migraines and there fucking horrible

Isekaied · 10/05/2026 19:40

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

Well.done.

Go to your mums.

She sounds really supportive.

TeaCupTinsel · 10/05/2026 19:36

Foodylicious · 10/05/2026 19:16

Well done for making a plan.
You dont need to put up with his crap anymore.
Can you take tomorrow off?
Leave for work as usual then go home and pack everything you want to take to your mums for a bit.
The essentials you need, and everything personal/valuable(financial or sentimental), documents etc.

Yes...this! Pretend you're going to work but call in work that you need a day off urgently.

Then clear everything out to your Mums! He won't expect it and you'll be safe.

TeaCupTinsel · 10/05/2026 19:33

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

Also pleased to hear your update and 100% agree with your Mum: Don't tell him anything. Wait until he's gone and move all your stuff out. You're going to dodge a massive bullet.

If he's this bad now, imagine how much worse it would get if you were married. He stopped you going to visit your own mother because he was sulking that he had to parent.
You deserve so much more.
Please update to let us know when you are safe at your Mum's house.
Take care and good luck!

FrankieMcGrath · 10/05/2026 19:33

So glad you’ve told your mum & are getting out. Keep this thread as a reminder of how he is, as I’m sure he’ll try hard to find a way to tempt you back.

TheRobotsAreComing · 10/05/2026 19:32

Thank goodness 🙏🏼

kkloo · 10/05/2026 19:27

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

This is a good update, even if it doesn't feel like it is.

Often when women catch on to mens abuse it's like they sense it and change in some ways and make the woman doubt what she was previously thinking and feel bad for thinking it in the first place and then they stay trapped for a hell of a lot longer.

Well done for telling your mum!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 10/05/2026 19:24

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

To be clear you're ending the relationship right and not just going to your mom for a bit until he convinces you to come back?

Purplewarrior · 10/05/2026 19:18

He’s a shocker isn’t he? What’s your housing situation?

I hope your mum gives you good support. There’s a much better life waiting for you. 💐

MayRibbons · 10/05/2026 19:17

Well done OP. We’re rooting for you x