AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

@Theworldonfire have you posted about this man before? It seems remarkably similar to a couple of other threads we’ve had on this topic.

As others have said, what you need to do is run. This man wants your free labour, not you.

A step-mum should of course be a loving and kind presence in the child’s home (because their dad’s home is their home) but not to step in and be the parent instead of the dad, or abandon their own life completely.

He is still the parent and needs to do the lions share of the work.

But this man isn’t going to realise that and needs to be binned.

Personally this would be something that would make me leave him over. If he can’t change this attitude, im gone.

• You don’t need to be ‘doing more’. You don’t NEED to be doing anything at all if you don’t want to.She is his child not yours.
• You are not ‘a parent now’. You are a step parent. She has two parents neither of whom are you.
• You don’t need to ‘think of these things’ because she is not your responsibility
• You can do whatever you want in terms of appointments or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home because she is his responsibility, not yours.
• You can’t choose who and how much you love someone and I’d say it is completely normal not to love someone else’s child as much as your own and any attempts to guilt trip to the contrary are outrageous
• You should not be ‘over the moon’ to be a step mum (you can, but there is no should). She is simply part and parcel of him, a fact of his life.

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”.

If his child's mother is still in the picture, he's being incredibly disrespectful to her. If not, and he's expecting you to step in and really BE her mother (which isn't a great idea; that relationship needs to develop naturally) he's still being weirdly controlling about how you do it.

He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us. This would be unreasonable even if you WERE the bio mother. Of course one of you would stay with the child while the other did things they needed to do.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. He can't dictate your feelings; how would that even be possible? He sounds really unrealistic and unfair.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. Sorry, but he sounds awful. Either this is a blatant attempt to manipulate and guilt-trip you, OR he is REALLY stupid. Either way, again, he can't dictate or regulate your feelings. I don't even mean that he SHOULD NOT do this, although that's true - he literally CANNOT.

He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. ??? Of course it matters. Again, even if the child was both of yours by birth, you'd have separate roles as a mother and as a partner, just as HE has separate roles as a father and as a partner now. It's really unhealthy and dangerous to mix them up - would he stop being his child's father if the two of you broke up and he stopped being your partner?

he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all. This makes no sense; the purpose of "date night" is for a couple to spend time together just the two of them, intentionally making sure there's time for that in spite of the demands of parenthood, work, school, friends, extended family, etc.

This.

I’ll just repeat @Noshadelamp ’s last bit

You are allowed your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries around the child.

He sounds dreadful OP. Telling you that you’re a parent now, etc when you didn’t choose to become a parent. You can’t manufacture attachment and the way he’s going about it he’s putting you off it all, not drawing you in.

I’d leave and have children of your own later - if you WANT to.

His language on this is incredibly demanding. Setting aside what you are talking about, are you happy to marry someone who sets out what you 'need' to do, as if he has decided and it is a forgone conclusion? The right approach would be lots of deep and meaningfuls about what your family looks like when you marry, which takes into account your thoughts and feelings too. As well as the child's of course! Maybe they'd like quality time one on one with dad? Maybe they'd like you to be more of a trusted adult figure than another mum?

The fact he is setting rules, expectations and obligations for you is a bigger red flag than even what he is asking through them.

What a load of old shit.

HE should be over the moon to have a partner who understands the nuances of a step-parent/child relationship, is welcoming, loving and kind but respects the child and parents boundaries.

You're not the child's parent. Therefore cannot love them as a parent, nor should you schedule your whole life around someone else's child.

If that's his expectation then you are no longer compatible. If he forces it on you, you'll end up resenting the child & it'll spoil the current, balanced relationship that you enjoy.

About the only good thing here is that he has been explicit rather done all this by stealth. So now you KNOW exactly what you're letting yourself in for. Or hopefully not as you will tell him he is completely out of order (and apparently not even very bright in doing this handover of his child more cleverly) and will leave him.

I reckon if you marry this guy it will take you even less time than his first wife took to figure out why you should leave him.

There was a similar post on here a couple months ago where the stepmom was expected to do all the childcare while the dad swanned off to the gym and business networking. It sounded grim, and it could be what you’re headed for.

Stepmums can get a bad rap on here (I am not one but I have one!), but there has to be boundaries. At the end of the day you aren’t the mum, you probably don’t have any decision making power, you’d lose contact with the child if you were to split even years down the road…How soon after getting engaged did the “you need to do more” chat come up?

You don't owe him or the child anything in relation to parenting his child.
You are supposed to be in a relationship with him.
His child is his and the child's mother's responsibility.

You are allowed your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries around the child.

No you don’t have to “do more” to look after his child for him. You should have course treat his child with kindness and respect and make sure the child feels safe and welcome in your home. It sounds like you already do all that and more.

Him insisting on describing you as a “parent” “stepparent” and “family” is odd given that you are none of those things, being unmarried

he’s literally telling you that he is not marrying you because he wants you to be his wife, but because he wants a free, always-available caregiver for his child.

Run for the hills - find a nice man your own age with no kids. Honestly this is going to be shit he's helpfully made that extremely clear.

I never thought I’d do the first post nails it thing! But yeah.

YADefinitelyNBU

I agree with everyone else here. Run. Someone who loves you doesn't talk with you this way.

She probably wasn't sufficiently grateful at having the privilege of washing his pants and having his dinner ready when he got in from the pub.

You are being lined up to be a nanny with a fanny. If he doesn’t want the responsibility of his child then maybe the child needs to go to his mother. This would be a deal breaker for me. Next thing will be if you let this carry on will be him leaving you on a regular basis to look after his child so he can go out with his mates.

As others have said, he basically can’t be arsed with his own child and wants you to play mum.

He wants a nanny with a fanny. Someone to do his share of parenting for him.

Dont marry him unless you are in absolute agreement about all of this.

To be brutally honest, I would think long and hard about whether this is what you want at all - any of it.

How old are you?

Bloody hell, I would not marry this one OP. His child, during his contact time, is HIS responsibility, not yours. End of.

I wonder why the relationship with DC's mum broke down!

Noooooo. Don't let yourself get trapped by this, OP. You really should split.

Is there an age gap between you by any chance?

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”

there is the usual confusion of needs and wants here. Your fiancé wants you to do more. You do not wish to.

His child needs him to step up.

Really, I’d back off, if I were you, because you’re being taken on for what he wishes you to provide, not for who you are.

Nanny with a Fanny sums it up.

Run!