AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

JFC OP as a blended family (after 7 years together living separately) I would say run. He wants you to take on his responsibilities. Nope

OP you sound amazing and exactly the sort of person I would want as step parent to my kids. He sounds like a twat. He won't get any less twatty either, however much you hope he might.

You need to talk about this before you marry.

There isn’t a one size fits all answer to this but it sounds like you and your fiancé don’t agree. He wants you to replace his ex (except the romance part) , you want to be like a bonus auntie and friend. I think that your approach is better because should you break up, you’ll never see him
again where as a parent would. He’s very unreasonable to expect you to love him like one of your own when you don’t even miss him when he’s gone. I think that you can get to a point where you feel deep affection for stepson but it’s not like having one of your own.

Do you want kids? If you do, I predict a future of arguments about the fact that he thinks you prefer your own child over stepson.

Life is too short for this shit. Just leave him.

He says, he says, he says a lot of things which roughly translate to- now I'm marrying you, I expect you to step into the role of skivvy. I will expect you to absolve me of most (if not all) my responsibilities as parent; so I can be free ro do as I please.

@Theworldonfire , it's up to you to decide what you're comfortable with, or you'll end up resenting him and your stepchild, for overextending yourself against your wishes.
If that is insufficient, it's up to him to end the relationship with you amd seek someone more suitable. What he cannot do, is engage you , then give you a list of rules. He's an asshole.

Dump him now or be back in a few years completely ground down and/or miserable.

Don't marry him. He's trying to force you into a mother role which is inappropriate for his child, wrong for you and benefits only him. This is not something that you can easily get past. You could try couple counselling if you really want to try everything but I would just cut my losses personally.

You need a discussion around what you are prepared to do as a stepmum. Your partner is the parent and they need to do the parenting, expecting you to love them as your own is unreasonable, you will either grow to love them.or you won't, it's not something that can be "forced".

I knew before I opened this thread what the answer would be.

He wants you to do all the grunt work of raising a child so he doesn’t have to. And he Wants you guy to do it without complaining. It’ll get worse if you marry.

This is not a good man. This is not a good father. I, personally, wouldn’t marry him op.

Yanbu. He’s basically looking for you to do his parenting for him.

I’ve seen this on here so many times - you’ll end up being expected to use your annual leave to look after them in school holidays, stay in and babysit while he goes out etc etc.
Massive red flag 🚩

I’m a stepmum - run for this hills. Everything he is asking is out of order. He should be privileged to have you, not the other way round.

Can you imagine this in reverse: like a mum telling her male partner this is what she expects from him? No, didn't think so.

I wonder if he sees a step-dad as privileged, or is it just women who should feel blessed with the presence of a child and naturally want to mother them?
You sound great. He sounds like an arse. I'd guess a misogynistic arse who things it should be women doing all the caring and carrying the mental load, even if they're not the parent.
I'd consider leaving. His attitude isn't good for his child (or you but that is obvious), you sound like you have the perfect approach to it but your dPs attitude will likely lead to the child feeling insecure and thinking that he doesn't matter to you.

You sound like an amazing step mum and he should be telling you this on a regular basis. Instead he’s undermining you, saying you should do more, trying to mould the relationship. No stepmom ever loved a stepchild like their own. Think long and hard about this.

Everything you need is in this first answer, OP.

Although I might have added the word "fast" at the end.

His child……his responsibility! He sees and acknowledges the things you do with her and I totally with your decision to not do certain things for her.
IMO he can’t be arsed and wants you to step up and do the stuff required of him as her PARENT!
Walk away…….asap!

OP, has he laid out the 'duties' you should actually be doing more of? Were there specific examples of your wrongdoing? And yes, run. You woman, he man, you do woman's work.

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

Goodness me, no. Sorry. I would think long and hard about marrying him, he's manipulative.

Child isn't yours. While it is lovely to be a positive figure in the role of a step parent, it isn't on you to be 'mum' or to obey all his orders regarding the care of his child, cheeky git. Child already has a mum - and a dad and the dad doesn't sound very nice. I do wonder if he is manipulative in other aspects of your life? People are seldom selective in the issues when it comes to controlling.

This isn't a red flag. This is bunting.

I wouldn't be with someone who treated me with such total contempt, which I'm afraid is exactly what this is. He's a control freak... at best.

He is a dickhead who wants a bangmaid and is manipulating you.

At least he’s giving you a clear warning. Fucking run from this one.

Perfectly laid out all the problems with his attitude and behaviour towards @Theworldonfire

You need to run to the hills. This man wants a free nanny to take care of HIS child. You are not the mom, child already has a mother. It's your duty as this mans partner to be kind to his child and acept he comes with the package but that's it. Child parents should be educating and taking care of him not you.

I had a step father all my life, a very kind warm man who always treated me very well, but he never did the dads duties. He never fed me,took me to school or lecture me and I really appreciate that as i already had a dad doing that. As an adult I love this man and will take care of him in his old age.

lol
another useless man who expects his girlfriend to do his work

your a nanny with a fanny

luckily he’s made that clear what he wants and expects from you

you have a choice to stay or not stay
personally I would run and keep on running

@Theworldonfire I have been married 27 years
my husband when we met had 2 kids 5 & 6
i have one who was 4
They are all adults now

But I have never ever ever looked after his two kids in the way that a mother / father would I don’t think I have
more like an aunty
I never babysat for them while my husband went out to the gym or on nights out
sure if he was just popping to the shops but
even on holidays together we would look after them all together equally

if I needed babysitting for my so. it was generally my parents who would look after him

DH treats my son as his own son and he’s actually very very close to him

I treated his kids like my nephews / nieces

will add that we didn’t live together full time despite being married till all the kids were pretty much grown up

I really think you need to stop talking to your friend. They are projecting their own issues on to you.

Most likely he's thinking, "I left one woman because she wanted me to look after my own child and now this one wants me to do the same!" I'd leave him but I'd bet good money he'll just rely on his mum in future.