AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

He is being totally unreasonable, it is not your job to parent his child! I’m a step parent OP, and I enjoy spending time with my step kids and love our holidays and outings etc, but my DH does all the parenting - child care, cooking their meals, bath time, bed time, school runs, parents evenings etc. There are times when he will ask me to look after them if he has an unavoidable work commitment or something, but he knows that when this happens I am doing a nice thing for him that he is grateful for and it’s not required of me because I am not their parent!

You aren't 'a parent', you are an additional adult in the household, who is there to provide love and support. Your partner's child has two parents...their Mum and Dad. You don't feel it's your place to involve yourself in school activities or bedtime. That's absolutely your choice and your partner should respect that.

Big huge red flags are waving due to the fact he believes you should be 'doing more because you're a parent now'. What exactly is your partner expecting you to do? You need a conversation with him. You are not his child's parent, he is! He's the one who needs to care and parent his child, with support from you!

My concern is that your partner thinks you should be taking on the role as parent, which means you will end up responsible for caring and parenting his child!! Whilst he nips to see his mates or the gym etc on a regular basis! Whilst his child is in your home, he is the parent, not you and any suggestions that you should be the child's main carer whilst in your home...run.

Unfortunately, if you marry this man, I think you will become the child's default parent when staying with his Dad. Your partner is looking for a woman to take on the parenting duties. Nanny with a fanny springs to mind here.

Having your own child provokes vastly different feelings than a step-children. No matter how much you like them or love them, it will be different...and that's absolutely OK. Your partner is expecting way too much from you.

This! So many women discover that their boyfriend is only with them so that he doesn't have to parent his child.

Trying to be charitable, it at least sounds as though he cares very much for his child.
I think that's being very charitable. He's lining up OP to take on his responsibilities because he doesn't want to parent his own child

The sad part in all this is that you will probably still go ahead and marry him

I agree with the other posts here. I feel he got involved with you not long after him and his babies mother split up.

He wants to get married so your going to be available to mind his child, collect them from nursery/school and do more parenting as time goes by.

My feeling is that he may have told his ex in the past that he wanted a child like she did. His child arrived and suddenly he had to take a back seat. Or maybe he realised that he had to be at home more and had to pull his weight. His lack of stepping up could have ended his last relationship.

I know some men who like the idea of having a child without any idea of what's involved on a daily basis with a newborn, toddler or a small child. Then they expect the child's mother to do it all and stay at home with the child all the time. Meanwhile they still think they are like a 20 year old student going out all the time and doing nothing at home.

I think that you posted here because you don't like what he has said to you or how he is expecting you to behave and do his job of parenting. You seen the red flags that you can't ignore. In your situation I would end things with him. I know this might not be easy. I would not be signing up for a life long job of parenting his child or dealing with his child's mother when he won't care for them.

You would be far better off meeting a man without a child and you could decide then if you and him want a child after a certain period of time. You need to be with a man who is willing to step up if you get pregnant and have a baby. I have seen couples who married and had kids. Each stage of childhood brought new challenges even with the kids without special needs or autism and the parents had to work together.
This man just wants to make his own life easier. Don't put your life on hold by marrying him to end up doing his parenting job.

Same.

OP he is just after you for childcare, RUN!!!

It's not a question of 'should' you be doing things differently or feeling differently - there is no one way of step-parenting and people settle into different patterns.

There is no job description or contract - but your DP seems to have one in mind. The main issue is that you are not aligned on this, and he is not happy for you to do it your way.

Your way is fine. You care about the child and are affectionate and friendly. You understand the difference between Mum and Step Mum / Dad's DP. You are honest about not loving her 'as if she was your own' .

What is not fine is that he is not happy with your relationship with the child or what he sees as your role. It is reasonable to talk about not wanting the child to think she is in the way or that you avoid her - it's also important that she has time just with her Dad sometimes. You can talk together about strategies and making sure she feels secure, but he has no right to criticise and guilt trip you.

Big red flag.

And it will get worse unless you can address it head on and get him to shift his perspective and expectations.

It would likely get much worse if you do have your own children - is this the plan?

Blimey he sounds like a lot! You sound like you'll be a lovely step mum if and when you marry. But I'd be wary to go much further with someone who feels like this.

I’ve been a step mum a long time. This guy is completely unreasonable and extremely unattractive. Please free yourself and run far away.

I remember a thread by a stepmum on here a few years ago where she said that she was pleasantly surprised and did all the things needed of her but she didn’t feel very strongly about her stepchildren. She got an absolute roasting but I rather applauded her honesty. It does make me wonder why anyone would want to be a stepmum - be too involved and you are overstepping, be too distant and you are cold.

It may be that you are not ready to split up. So have a sensible discussion. What would your role in this child’s life be, if it was solely up to you? If he has assumed you will immediately feel exactly the same way as his / her mother feels then he needs to think again.

Sounds like you are the perfect step mum. Also sounds like he wants you to do more, so he can do less. Don't marry him and definitely don't have kids with him

I bet I can guess who wanted to live together and get married...

I've been a step mum for 15 years. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

What he is saying to you is a massive red flag that he expects to be able to hand off the lion's share of his parenting responsibility to you. And he is using guilt as a manipulation tactic.

I'm afraid he is teeing you up to be a nanny with a fanny.

You might be able to stand your ground if you're willing to have the fight. But it may be easier for you and your sanity in the long run if you just tell him to fuck off now.

Im really confused. Why? Which part of nanny with a fanny are you struggling with?
Should I be doing more? Yes, dumping your misogynistic twat of a fiance.
Am I a terrible stepparent? You're a terrible nanny with a fanny.

Well at least he's honest, in a really bad way, about what he expects from you Op. He waved a red flag when he expected you to be home whenever his child was there, it's always been his idea that you should be doing as much parenting as possible. He thinks now you're engaged he has you where he wants you, it will be no time at all before you look around and he's out enjoying himself whenever he likes, you'll be home with his child and he won't ask you, he'll just expect it.

Well done OP for stepping back and reflecting what is going on.

Leaving aside the motivations and intentions of your fiancé (we don’t know), he is communicating his assumptions about what a good step parent entails. This will be underpinned by beliefs about what is best for his child, himself and your family unit - different people will rank these in different order of priority!

You could step into the role of another parent, or you could step into the role of Dad’s partner. Both could work brilliantly or fail miserably, it how your are positioned or the level of involvement that will determine the child’s happiness, but the child’s sense of belonging within the family unit. A child can feel a sense of belonging with minimal ‘parenting’ from a step parent and they can feel like an outsider/ unwelcome with lots of ‘parenting’ from a step parent.

Based on what you have described, if your actions reflect this, your step child is likely to feel wanted and valued with your family unit with your partner. You don’t need to forge a parent role with her. It can be a different parent-child relationship that adds value to both of your lives. If your parented insists that only a step parent role is acceptable, there is every chance that the relationship with the child will be problematic due to is being forced and inauthentic.

I suggest you talk to him and see if you can land on the same page. If not, I would reconsider your shared future.

OP you are very lucky.

He has shown his hand too early, before you're actually married to him.

His attitudes are very wrong. Yours are perfectly sensible and valid.

You could have a chat and outline your thoughts and see what he says. I expect he'll disagree and trot out all of the above again. Personally, I'd end it.

Trying to be charitable, it at least sounds as though he cares very much for his child.

He's given you advanced warning of what your future looks like.

Ball is in your court on whether this is what you want.

People don't change, be aware of this.

Don’t marry this man!
My DH has been a stepfather for over 30 years. He has never taken on the role of father, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t love my DD1 as much as he does my DD2 who is his own daughter. That being said, he will do anything for both of them, has left his estate in equal shares to both of them in his Will and sees all his grandchildren from both DDs as his grandchildren.
He didn’t bathe her when she was little, he carried on his hobby when she was with us, he took many trips to her Uni to help her move, was really worried when she went into Labour.
Your STBEx is an arse who wants a nanny.

OP, this man does not love you, he just wants you to replace his ex as the default parent for his child.

I bet he has been out and left his dc with you?

I can't imagine there are many (I expect zero) men who have these expectations heaped upon them when they get into a relationship with a woman with DC. Such devotion, sacrifice and selflessness seems to be expected of women however. Funny that.

Run OP, run as fast as you can.

You are NOT a parent now. You're his fiancee and you're allowed to call off the wedding. These are completely unreasonable demands to make of a woman he's not married to when the child already has two living parents.

I did less for my husband when were engaged and he didn't even have children.

Wake up. And run as far as you can
Tale as old as time I'm afraid. First reply nails it.