AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

I think you're misinterpreting what people are saying when they make that remark. They're not saying that's what a stepmum is, they are criticising her partner for treating her like that.

Get out your running shoes and don't look back.

And don't let your evident affection for your soon-to-be-ex's child stop you saving yourself from what is going to be a giant clusterfuck which is going to be incredibly damaging for you and the child.

He won't marry you. He's your fiance because for a piece of jewellery you have been contracted to parent his child so that he doesn't have to.

Why did he split up from his child's mother?

You sound a lovely step-mum but your fiance sounds like a shit partner.

To echo everyone else, this man is marrying you because he wants free childcare. He wants to live the life of a single unencumbered man whilst you do all the unpaid domestic labor and child care.
He's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you are privileged to be his slave.
And this is him on his best behavior, before he's got you trapped into marriage...

Seriously? A step mother comes on for advice and just gets glib remarks calling her nanny with a fanny. I’m a step parent. I find it disrespectful. That’s just my opinion.

Run for the hills, he sees you as a mug.

As a stepmother I don’t see it like that at all. There are undoubtedly men who, consciously or not, see it that way.

I was going to say that you were doing great managing a nice relationship with his child but good grief OP, the dad is worth running away from.

He shouldn’t be expecting you to become a parent, he is the parent. His child, his responsibility, not because you are serlfish but because he should not be dropping his own responsibilities on you. I can assure that even if you did everything as he wanted, he will be the first to remind you you are not their mother at the slightest disagreement you have with him.

Dont wait for him to erode your boundaries, run while you still can, you were not made to become what they wanted to be, to lose your freedom or yourself in the process.

Every single thread about step parenting I read nowadays. People can’t wait to jump on with ‘nanny with a fanny’ with absolute glee. Any opportunity to put down step mothers. It’s not original as this thread clearly demonstrates.

You absolutely know you’re not being unreasonable, don’t you, @Theworldonfire? I think there’s unanimity on the thread - you need to run for the hills. Better now than after you’ve married him. Good luck with disentangling yourself from this situation.

You are very honest about your feelings towards his child, and the sad thing is, that you would probably have a really nice relationship with him on that basis. It is entirely unreasonable of your partner to lay down the law about what you should and shouldn’t be doing. If you are going to continue your relationship, you need to be clear and firm about your boundaries and his parental responsibilities..

YANBU at all - you sound like a lovely step-mum, and one that wants the right boundaries in place. He, on the other hand, is looking for a carer for his child who he doesn't want to parent properly, in short he is trying to get you to do his job for him. Honestly, he won't change, I'd run, it won't work out for you in my opinion, I'm sorry to be blunt.

Run for the hills OP, run faster than you’ve ever run before

You need to run for the hills, OP!

He wants you as the parent to his child, nothing more.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Don’t marry him.

He wants you to be a free nanny, cleaner, housekeeper, cook and laundry service.

And provide sex whenever he wants it.

For god's sake woman, run!!

I'm not a stepmum, but I have one and some of my friends are. And from everything I can see it doesn't appear to be a privilege. It can have rewards but can be quite a major source of stress. And if the dad isn't on the same page as the stepmum that's just a disaster zone.

OP I don't think you need to question what he expects of you, I think he's set it out very clearly. You are not to have a minute of time to yourself that doesn't include his daughter. You are to do everything that a bio mum would do, and possibly more. I wonder if that would include telling her off if she was naughty - or would that suddenly turn into 'you're not her mum'?

If you marry this man your life will no longer be your own. It will be entirely dictated by him and his daughter. As others have said, run. What he's said isn't a red flag, it's a communist parade.

I have mentioned this before but a few years ago there was a fascinating thread in Step-parenting, asking how posters would feel if they never saw they step-children again. It was very popular.

A few posters said they’d be devastated, that they loved their step-child and would miss them but the vast majority said they liked their step-child(ren) but wouldn’t really care if they had an ongoing relationship with them.

OP- some men will act as though it’s part of a woman’s nature to love and look after all children in her vicinity. It’s not true and there’s nothing wrong with you for NOT feeling this way.

You should run while you can.

Totally agree with this

What would the child's actual mother think of her ex' demands of you? The child has a mother and certainly doesn't need another one. It sounds as if you have a good, appropriate relationship with the child and a thing more would be stepping in the mother's toes, which would most likely have implications for the co-parenting relationship.
Tell him 'no chance'. I would seriously consider leaving this fool.

I agree, he sounds as if he just wants you to step up and do the parenting for him.
He told you that you need to be doing more for his child and that you should suddenly be able to switch on feelings. That’s not how it works!
If you stay with him and marry him, it’ll only get worse when he has you where he wants you.

Seriously this post must be a joke

How can people be this easy to manipulate?

When he says he wants you to do XYZ, what exactly are those things? I'd love to know but I think I can guess - cooking, cleaning, washing? school runs? Meal planning and prep?

But as other posters have said, a lot of what he seems to be saying is bollocks, even if you were this child's actual mum. You can't go out when child is there? How the fuck does he think the average family manage? Date nights WITH children? What the actual.....?

Sadly, this is all too common. We know a family where the two parents were the model of effective co paretning and it was so lovely to see. And then he get a new partner. who is lovely. But who has now become the defacto primary parent when the child is with them and it infuriates me. She was an hour late for school the other day because her step mother had to leave for work early and her dad wasn't able to get up and get the two of them out the door....

Mmm I’d be very careful and hold off on the getting married. When he wants you there for days his child is say firmly your child needs you, they need a great loving relationship with you. I’m a bonus. They need you. I’m going out to see my friend, you are having precious necessary time with your child. You should not want me there all the time.

I don’t want my dh there all the time with ours. I took our youngest for a babycino yesterday and it was special.