AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

I am not surprised by your update. So now you have 2 occassions where you clearly saw he doesn’t care about your wellbeing (being ill for weeks some time prior and now migrane this weekend). Both produced the same reaction from him- zero care, annoyance and anger. This now not an accident or one-off, this is a pattern.

Like others said, there is coercive control here. He is not the nice man he attempted to portray himself as. It’s ok. Luckily, he has trully revealed himself before you got married, at this point you can walk away and recover from this and look back on the whole experience as a nightmare you managed to wake up from. And a massive upgrade on your red flags radar which will come in handy in life.

You don’t mention what is your housing situation, i hope you are not too intertwined. Even if you are, there can be solution found for that. Short term pain for long lerm gain.

Glad your mom is supportive, it doesn’t sound like she was hugely surprised.

Re engagement and wedding- who cares what who might think what, soon all will be forgotten as people have their own lives to attend to. Cancel it, tell a few close friends why, all will be fine.

Please do take all valuable items from your house asap, i also get the impression that your partner is capable of greater abuse, he has shown you he doesn’t care much about your wellbeing. Hope for the best but prepare for worst, then you won’t be caught off guard.

I wish you best, turbulent times ahead but it will all settle eventually and you will be able to breathe with ease.

Good luck OP. He dipped his wick and pro created, not your responsibility.
your mr right will come without baggage and you can start your own family. Leave him to deal with his responsibilities.

Yeah you just need to leave period. Absolutely sorry excuse for a father.

My ex husband had a son. He turned me into his son’s nanny without myself realising. When I left he stopped shared care. The little boys mother soon realised who was caring for him and he barely saw him. His child will be okay. This man doesn’t need shared care at all since he clearly can’t cope and needs his partner to actually parent his child.

Also to add, if he’s interfering with precious time with your lovely mum, that’s enough to stay away.
It was terrible what he’s just done to you.
I hope some time away will give you the courage to leave for good.

Well done OP. You were doing everything right in respecting you weren’t a parent, and the fact this angered your partner is extremely telling.

well done for speaking to your mum and taking action before you felt too enmeshed to do anything. Sending strength and the Very best of wishes for you moving forwards 💐

The red flag is your fiance , not the stepchild- no one is thrilled to have a step child, much as you might love children in a perfect world a fiance without a child would be much preferred. Why does he think you should be thrilled? it sounds as if he wants you primarily to take the child ff his hands. You have been as supportive as you can be , but still your fiance wants you to do more?
I would run a mile.

Bravo, Excellent that you have decided to remove yourself. Remember the script, he will promise it was a mistake, that you fill their lives, that yes he is lost without your help, because he Lurves you so, he will promise, holidays. Bring flowers… Dont fall for it, He lies.
Then when you dont return, he will get nasty, do his maximum to damage your reputation, he will lie that it was him who ended it, lie to the child, his mother. If you have any money tied up together he will use this to punish you.
So be ready

Well done OP don’t look back. If you have someone to go with you to get your stuff that will keep you safe. I’m so glad you have family support. He is awful.

Good for you op. You deserve better

End the engagement. End the relationship. Do you need to sell the house to get your financial share? Can you move most of your stuff to your Mums whilst he's at work?

Thank god you didn't marry him. He's awful

@Theworldonfire

Oh I'm so glad!

I echo above PP. Take your 'electronics', and any important papers you can stuff in your largest handbag. You can always say your laptop is 'acting up' and you're taking it to a repair place near work. Or someone in your IT department has volunteered to take a look at it.

I'm hoping that this is the first step to ending it with him because he is not going to change and he's made it clear you're nothing to him but a nanny and 'housekeeper'. You deserve better.

Remember, you'll never meet Mr Right when you're tangled up with Mr Wrong.

Thank goodness you’ve seen what he’s really like! He doesn’t love you op, there’s no genuine caring for you. I was horrified by the ‘I was sick for 4 weeks’ story.

Don’t ever doubt yourself. You are the most important part of your life! Take anything that’s dear to you/important. Sending you strength

Good luck OP, I know it's not easy but I'm sure you're doing the right thing x

Your mum sounds ace. Glad to know you are being supported. He is an arse and I feel sorry for his poor kid. I don’t know much about what causes migraines but not having the stress of living him certainly won’t do you any harm.

This

So glad you are leaving him, he's treated you like shit and it would only get worse.

Reminds me of my ex husband. I left him and never looked back, and the same will be true for you xxx

Make sure you take your passport and any bank stuff of yours with you. Most other things are easily replaceable.

I’m so glad you’re leaving. Even if you were DSD’s parent, imagine getting stick for needing a nap due to a migraine and visiting your mum at the weekend…! And you’re not even the parent and you’re getting more heat and pressure to parent than her own mother would get

Agree with this. Good luck, OP. Wishing you well.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Also
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too.

Learn why you have allowed yourself to be sucked into this by a user.

You deserve so much better.
The step parenting forum is full of women who fell into this trap, had a child and bitterly regret their choices, being used, by a man who never wanted children and needed some woman to do free childcare.

Sounds like your mum has the measure of him and really well done for being honest with her, I know how hard it is to admit your relationship isn’t what you’d want it to be, it’s a massive step and so is going to hers from work.

When I left my ex I was too scared to tell him my plan so I said I was going to stay with my sister for a few days to help her with something and never went back. I called him a week later to say I was filing for divorce, he went mental and insisted we meet where he screamed and shouted at me and threatened me and then he stormed off. Like that was going to change my mind 😂🤦‍♀️ By then I’d got some space in my head from not having been in the same house with him and just powered on sorting practicalities. You’re being very brave and you’ve got us here to support you as and when you need it.

Take your passport/laptop/photo album with you tomorrow. Just in case...

You sound brave. He sounds like a lazy useless good for nothing. Good luck tomorrow.

Gather anything sentimental, paperwork, jewellery, passport etc., and bring them with you.
He is quite capable of destroying stuff or losing your stuff out of spite.
Take anything of real value.
Do not tell him anything.
This.