AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

He expects too much.

Men who trot out the line that you should love their child as if it were your own are insulting the bond a child has with its mother, and a mother with her child.

You are not a parent, he is.

Omg OP run:
he is looking for a nanny with a fanny so he doesn’t have to parent his child.
be a good little woman and be her mummy here so I don’t have to do anything.

run! Or at least put your foot down and always remind him you are her father, I am her step parent. YOU need to take the lead. I am in a support role, not the main role!

but seriously leave. He will expect the same if you ever had kids together

Wow. My DH is stepdad to my kids. They are grown up now, but we got together 18 years ago, so we did all live together for years. He did not take on much of the Dad role, bar giving a few lifts here and there, and some advice now and again.

That is just bizarre. Of course you are right and the mother wouldn't want that.

What is his relationship with his child's mother like? This sounds like him trying to assert his rights/make a point in some way.

He sounds like a very strange individual 🤔

This is ludicrous. Would his dying wish override his child’s wish to stay with their parent? Why would he imagine his child would prefer to spend half the week with you rather than with their mother?

Does he even have the child 50/50?

Why do you think most of us are saying it, @bikiniwaxlyrical . It's because we see it for what it is.

You might think it's disrespectful but you are misinterpreting what we are saying.

We aren't saying that a step-mother is a nanny with a fanny, we are using the term to describe what shit fathers expect from their partner.

Your reading comprehension needs work.

He, the OP's crappy fiancé, is after a Nanny With A Fanny - i.e. free childcare that will also shag him. Men like that are awful and should be dumped.

Step mums, on the other hand, can be as active or as pulled back as suits their personal circumstances and preferences. They are very much NOT Nannies With Fannies. Some are like a third parent, some go down the Nacho route, some do it differently.

Everyone is telling th OP her fiancé is a lazy parent and controlling bloke who thinks he can dictate what the OP does and how she feels.

Bugger that.

Your DP sounds ghastly, ghastly, ghastly!
May I add - controlling, manipulative and gas lighting?
NO that is HIS child NOT yours - who already has a mother.
You need to straighten him out with the facts - or he'll soon be off on golf course or whatever all weekend and you and child left alone at home!
Do not have child with him. See the light.

What planet is he on?

That is absolutely ridiculous (on his part not yours)

You're not the parent, his child has a mother, you are not even a step parent yet. Sounds like you really like his child and are very willing to help look after them when they are with you. But your fiance has to understand you are in a fairly delicate position as potential step mum you don't want to be stepping on actual mum's toes. And this will never be your child. The idea that you are privileged to be a step mum to his child is just not true, it complicates your life and the relationship with your fiance, he should be delighted you are willing to take it on at all. I wonder what happens if you don't live up to his requirements as the (step) mother of his child. Could be trouble ahead. You might want to re-think things if you are already playing third wheel in this relationship, not that he shouldn't put his child first but where does that leave you?

Fiancé sounds like a prick. Sure you want to hitch your waggon to that?

OP, I agree with everything said above, but I think you ought to ask him about how he perceives his child’s current or future step dad. If/when his ex has a new partner would he expect this man to always be at home, no appointments or visiting friends when his child is with their mum? Would he expect him to take on whatever he counts as full family responsibilities/love his child like his own ? If the answer is no, then why not? What makes you different to a step dad? If he can see another man being a dad to his child, taking full responsibility for him then what is his role? And if he can’t why does he think you should be a mum when his child always has one?

Also, does he really think parents never ever go out singly and leave the child with just one parent? You each have your own lives to live, and even if you have children together surely you would be “allowed” to have appointments and friend outings without your child? Or does that only apply for him?

Doesnt a single man with a toddler ring alarm bells in many cases? Does he also slag off his ex?

He’s off his nut if he thinks anyone would look after child fifty percent of the time if their dad dies. It’s actually laughable.

You should be making appointments when his dd is here so they can spend time together without you. That’s a good thing.

If you were my friend I’d be telling you that you shouldn’t marry him.

You know how it is, those of us who have got the privilege or challenge ñ of becoming step mothers are always the evil stepmother, no matter how hard you try, how much you care for the children, how much they like you or even how much you sacrifice to cover their expenses.

Same applies if you are raising children on your own, my friend is a widow, I’m divorced, we both had our kids years after getting married. We both have been told in mumsnet that we wouldn’t be experienced difficulties if we had “only kept our legs crossed’”.

Sounds like you’re making every effort. But you’re not the child’s other mum.

Your partner sounds awful. I’d think carefully before you marry him.

This! My husband was the same...ruined my life

Absolutely fuck that. You aren't - nor should he want you to be - a replacement parent so he doesnt have to do the whole job himself when the ex isn't picking up the slack.

Nip this in the bud. Yes you can enjoy doing things with his child, and contribute to them having a nice time when with you - but that child is the responsibility ONLY of its parents.

My strategy as a SM was more of an extra aunt type role. My DSC had / have a decent mother. They needed love and care and attention when with us, but not a second mother. It worked well for us.
My DH did not tell me anything about his expectations, we just worked it out as we went along but he very much took the lead in dealing with any of DSC's needs, never expecting anything of me, rightly so.

I would be very concerned about your DF's remarks and yes, would want to explore them more before marriage.

Agree with PP. I'd be very wary of a partner who 'tells you' how to behave, and even how to feel, in any situation, instead of a discussion where everyone is open to seeing everyone else's viewpoint. Of course he thinks his child is great and it's a privilege for anyone to spend time with them, but most parents know that other people don't feel the same about their children.

I also wonder what the child would think, isn't the point of their contact time to see their dad? It's normal and healthy in a family to spend time one on one in all combinations but I'd expect more one on one time with the child and their biological parent since that's the point of the contact time. And even if they were your bio child, its normal for example to see friends or have appointments when you see them (clearly this might change depending on how often you see them - if it's one weekend a month and you're always out that weekend then I might have a different view, but I doubt this is the case).

It sounds like he is expecting you to treat your stepchild in exactly the same way as you would a biological child but that just isn't realistic or practically possible since they have two parents (assuming their mum is a competent parent). For example if a child has two competent parents then it's not appropriate for the step parent to make decisions about schooling, rules at home, discipline etc. What if your views differed to his, is he happy for you to make rules and then discipline as you see fit if the rules are broken? I doubt it, in these situations the bio parents unreasonably want to have all the control but get the step parent involved in enforcing / doing all the drudge work.

I'd be very very careful about marrying him, and having any other children with him if he doesn't change his views. For example you will be stuck looking after his bio kid for entire school holidays if youre ever off on mat leave, because you're off anyway and that's what you would do if they were your bio child, you'll be doing the school run because you're home anyway with a toddler and you'd have to do it if they were your bio child, you'll have to give the same inheritance etc etc.

You need to sit down and talk through all scenarios about what he actually means and share your views and come to an agreement before marrying him

if you marry him, devote yourself to raising his child and then seperate/divorce/he dies after a few years, you will have zero rights to have time with that child moving forwards. So no,you are not the same as a parent.

Don't kid yourself.

"Nanny with a fanny" nails it.