AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

He wasn't looking for a partner, he was looking for a nanny he didn't have to pay. Run before you really do have your own.

LTB, of course. For all the above reasons given by others.

Yes even with my limited reading comprehension skills, which I will actively try to improve as suggested by a previous poster I see it for what it is. Another reason to make women who are trying to navigate the chaos of step parenting feel like shit.

Wow, I could say so much about thus, but ultimately Please dont marry or have a child with this man.
You are not the mother, you cannot feel or be the same as a birth mother, you didn't live the pregnancy, or the baby years.
its not your responsibility to be Mother you do not have legal responsibility. You can go out when his child is in his care. The same as the birth mother or any partner could. You are not joined at the hip, neither to Him nor the child.
You will not be (on paper) legally the kids mother EVER.
You are not a clone, you are a new partner person who is prepared to love & care for the child.
Noone wants to date night out with the kids. Actually “Fuck off mate” sound like a good réplique
Basically he doesn’t get to make these rules. If he doesn’t like it then he needs to find another poor woman.

Different view, came into my step daughters life from age 5 did everything I later did everything for her as I assumed a mum step mum would. Even tho that relationship broke down when she was 7 and I later re-married I continued to see and have her to stay every week with her mum's approval since she was no longer allowed to be around her dad one of the big reasons I had to leave...once had my own tribe she fitted in and now at 21 she still is here most of the week and is treat exactly the same as my own kids and have a lovely relationship. Have done everything homework, baths, talked thru problems but it probably helps I get on great with her mum aswell

This man is either completely unhinged or a master manipulator. Probably both. Ruuuuunnnn

Why are you with this man? How does he improve you life? I don't mean, "how does having a partner generally improve your life?" but this one individual in particular - what does he bring to the table?

He wants you to have his child 50% of the time if he dies? Why?! That’s crazy, no way would his ex ever agree to that….!

So he's also going to try and control you beyond the grave?

Weird and disturbing.

Man here, had 50/50 care with child post-divorce, then a step-mum in a new relationship.

It was good that the process of meeting the child seems to have been well-handled and taken slowly. That's a plus.

For a step-mum it is a hard balance to strike. You are not the mum, and not the parent, and not really a friend to a young child. In my case I didn't expect all that much, and anyting that develops is a real bonus. Had I died, I would have expected the child to retain some contact with the step-mum (the child would have wanted that) but nowhere near 50/50 and more like an aunt. Maybe an aunt level of relationship much of the time, with more contact in practice? Of course, over time things change and hopefully will get closer.

It isn't his place to define what sort of step-mum you should be. It is mostly up to you. Obviously, the child has some control too (for example, if they didn't like you it would influence how you were with them).

HE is the parent. You are the step. He needs to do most of the heavy lifting. You are the fun addition.

Put him in his place. He's lazy.

RUN!! This is so weird honestly.

One word... RUN

This is why I don’t date men with children. They always seem to want to find a woman to hand over childcare responsibilities to.

I honestly would not parent somebody else’s child and would run from this. You need to have a serious talk to clarify expectations.

Yeah, he’s super manipulative and it’s just going to get worse.

Good luck with that, OP.

Run very far and very fast from anyone requiring you to do something ongoing as their dying wish. You are roped in to be their servant till your dying day and they have to do nothing.
You are obviously a caring person and that is why he has chosen you, yes as a partner but also as the next woman he can wield his child's welfare over. Keep your boundaries and trust yourself. He hopes to wear you down and from his reactions to your boundaries you can be sure the more trapped you become the less he will be around.
First post nails it, he is seeking a nanny with a fanny. Don't let it be you.

Do you have particularly low self esteem? I can’t understand why you would settle for this shite.

Get out while you can.

So say he dies - not wishing it on him. But day he did. He then expects you to be responsible for a child which isn’t yours.
Its like you saying if I die you can’t meet anyone else who becomes stepmum.
It is all NUTS.
This man is manipulating you, he clearly the minute you get married will see you as the new mum and expect you to be that.
And I bet you will be stuck in the house.
I ran from a situation like this and I’m glad I did.
I don’t have kids and got wrapped up in the romance of it, but he was just looking for someone to sit in so he could play golf.

If he dies in 10 or twenty years the child would hopefully be on very friendly terms with you and at least stay in touch. If it was next week the mother would just take back full custody and you would have no say in the matter.

This sounds shit. He's lining you up to do all the parenting when DSC is with you, while he swans around as he likes.

Controlling, demanding and idiotic - get away from this one fast!

Sorry OP but this is absolutely insane from him. It is beyond "quite odd", and you're quite right that it would be up to the child's mother and not him in that circumstance.

You're not SDCs parent and you don't have PR, although I'm sure you're a wonderful step mum and love them very much.

His expectations of you as a step mum are completely unreasonable.

I would seriously be rethinking this relationship and having a serious, frank, discussion about his responsibilities as a father. If you help out as a step mum then that is lovely of you, but your partner is the parent and as such responsibility falls on him.

I just wanted to come on and say you sound like a fantastic step parent, how lucky the child is to have you in their life. However, I agree with the sentiment expressed by many that your partner has expectations of you that are not appropriate. You are not the child's mother and you don't seek to play that role. You are part of their life, but not responsible for them. That role firmly sits with the mother and father. I fear your partner is seeking a substitute mum that he can palm off on you.

Ask him what would happen if YOU died ?
He'd be looking for another Nanny with a Fanny.

He is delulu.

This isn't going to get better.

Take a atep back from this relationship. Take time to think.
Its your life, you only get one. Is this what you wanted for yourself?
I think its totally up to you how much yoh do or don't do. Not him.
If you wanted to do the things that would be up to you, but its not for him to decide.