AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

The reality too is that many don't love SC as much (sorry to any SC here - you may have a different relationship) so your fiancé is somewhat unrealistically asking you to fight your biology. I would throw myself into a pit of lava for my own DD. I would also do it for SD now who is just the loveliest girl and we have built a strong bond. But my SS? Divisive, arrogant and slightly problematic in his imposition in our relationship - I do loads for him. But I never miss him. Maybe in time you will miss her and feel love

"You're a parent now" lol, so the child doesn't already have a mother? Nah mate, I wouldn't "run" like others are saying, at least not immediately, but he certainly needs putting in his place about what he expects from you.

First comment has it.

Run. Find a man without kids. I truly don't understand young people who shack up with people who already have kids.

⬆️ all this. @WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz had written word for word what l think. His take on your privilege is especially hilarious

Out of curiosity why did the relationship with the mother of his child breakdown? Let me guess, he didn’t want to pull his weight and expected her to do most of it

I found the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin hugely informative and useful determining how I thought I should shape my relationship with my stepchildren, and what my partner should expect of me. Think kindly aunt rather than replacement mother. You can't step in as full parent as you are not full parent and don't have PR. If you were to marry him, that might be different... but even then.

He sounds hugely overbearing the way he is imposing his views on what you should be doing. Goodness only knows it sounds like you're a wonderful step parent, without the legal rights and benefits of being married. But you need to negotiate with him your limits, and those include not always being on call for his kid and perhaps going away the odd weekend when he has her (I would now make a point of it). I agree with the first poster - he expects nanny with a fanny. Before you know it, he'll expect to step away and for you to discipline.

Men love to be fun / hero dad, and you are his route to that, but it's poisonous for you. Quite early on in my SC relationship I told my now DH that he had to step up and discipline, because it would never be the same from me.

Op… how is his relationship with his child’s mother? Does he talk well about her or blame her for all his problems? Is she a bad person who is not safe around her child? Has she ever got a restraining order against him? or has he had to see his child at contact centres?

I cannot imagine a reason why he may have that as a dying wish unless the child is severely neglected under their mother’s care OR most likely, he sees his contact time as way to continue to control or hurt the mother.

Careful there, don’t get married until you get the full picture. It seems you are starting to see his real self now he thinks he has control over you after accepting his proposal. This may not get better, I would say it will get much worse the more control he thinks he has over you.

That poster is probably a 'nanny with a fanny' who doesn't like the truth.

Run for the hills. He's using emotional blackmail. Don't create a child with this man.

How many more red flags do you need?

Absolutely this.

He’s trying to do a right number on you. You’d be insane to marry him

If this isn't a wind up then it's just another lazy man trying to put the responsibility of his child on to someone else. Tell him to fuck off!

He’s a manipulative cunt isn’t he.

Which is great, but presumably you did it because you wanted to, not because he “got upset” the minute you showed any hesitation about taking on that role?

Also, the absence of the father and the fact that you get on well with the child’s mother makes a difference: we haven’t been led to think there’s any of that going on here. I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to do all that if she, and the child’s mother, don’t want her to.

He sounds like a right dickhead with the "dying wish" bollocks

Run a mile, he wants you to do his parenting for him

There's something not right here Op, he expects you to go on doing 50/50 if he dies? A normal man expects you to be kind to his children, he doesn't expect you to be obsessed with them or feel honoured to be their stepmother. I'd be giving serious thought to getting out of your engagement @Theworldonfire.
Have you met his Ex at all because I'd be very interested to know why they broke up

What a bloody drama llama he is @Theworldonfire . So he intends to continue controlling you and his ex even after he dies. He sounds lovely.

Would he hand his child over to a stepdad 50% of the time if his ex died?

Bonkers!

Yep, run. Run fast, run now and don't look back.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own.

No man, ever, has the right to tell you what you 'should' feel. He doesn't own you, he doesn't own your feelings.

I'd run a mile from this

Two colleagues at work got together (a long story) and he had two kids from his first marriage

He saw her coming (slightly large age gap) and within the first week of them getting together dumped the kids off into her

She ended up paying the csa money out of her wages ('he cant afford what she/the csa demands!') and spent a fortune on their bedrooms/christmas/birthdays/days out/holidays etc ('I just want things to be nice for them!')

She spent all her money on them/babysat at the drop of a hat/cooked/cleaned/ran them everywhere etc while he sat on his arse,smirking at her and allowing this

She then married him and had his baby and surprise!
He's just the same with the baby

He does fuck all with that one too and expects her to do everything for all 3 instead of 50% of their joint child

She looks permanently knackered and is skint but has him and his mum telling her what a grand job shes doing (his mum doesn't want to be her again)

He does 'do his bit' by running her to and from work (and thats all he does) and shes pathetically grateful to him

Don't be her-this child is not yours,shes his and he sounds just like my colleague

Oh my gosh, RUN AWAY!

So maybe I’ve missed it, but I can’t see any real advice from you for the OP. You just seem to be criticising other posters.

What do you think she should do?

That’s entirely bonkers of him!! He can’t have a dying wish when he’s not even dying, but also he can’t change the law so that you would be able to do that automatically.

Plus does he really expect you to start preparing for that day??

Sounds like a wonderful relationship.
It's one thing if it just happens organically, but it's quite another for a man to expect that if he dies his partner should take the child 50/50.

It's deeply disrespectful to the mother and to her role and it's like he's treating the child like a possession that he owns half of.

What is his relationship like with his ex OP?

That’s not how I read what PPs are saying - they aren’t saying all SMs are that, they’re saying (clearly and explicitly) that this particular man is treating her that way.

It’s funny because there’s often a narrative that MN hates stepmothers, but here I see people looking out for this woman’s best interests.

What would your advice be for her? Should she just knuckle down and be a better stepmum? Do you not think it’s unpleasant and controlling of him to expect her to act the way he wants her to?