AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

Everyone is jumping to the conclusion that your finance is trying palm the child off onto you, I read it as family time, three of you. Which is it?

This, he wants you to parent for him.

@blossomtoes I couldn’t agree with you more…..I have been a step mum for 19 years and never once did my DH even think of coming out with that shit…..I have an amazing relationship with my step daughters…one which we built at our own pace….do not be dictated to by this man…..x

He won't marry her. He'll probably bugger off and dump his children on the nearest female.

The thing that really worries me is he's telling you how you 'should' feel! There's no should when it comes to feelings.

You sound like a lovely person. Don't be guilted into being taken advantage of.

Im a step parent, as is my husband, as we both have a child from a previous marriage. We both acknowledge to each other that the relationship with each child isn't exactly the same - how can it be? That doesn't mean something is wrong and that we don't love both children.

One thing to bear in mind OP. If you do marry, have children, then divorce, your precious babies will be raised 50% by whichever unknown woman he manages to persuade to take on the task, whilst insisting she pretend she is their mother.

He is deciding that you are obligated to do all of those things, when they should be YOUR choice.

So when you raise questions, his response is to jump to "You don't care about my child", as a manipulative guilting attempt.

Don't marry him @Theworldonfire he will only get more unreasonable in his demands to you.

Your fiance sounds like a pain in the hole. He cant tell you how you should feel, I think he is bloody lucky that you are so loving towards his child. And how on earth would he know what a stepmother should be? He isn't one.

You don’t need to be doing more now, he does.
You don’t need to be a parent now, he does.

Marriage will trap you in a role you don’t want to be in and he is trying to guilt you into taking regardless.

Doesn't see you as his partner being different from a stepmum? Huge red flag. These words will come back to haunt you and he will use them against you. He will tell you knew what you were getting in to or why did you marry him and guilt you into being a nanny so that he can relax and go out more.

Escape.

Start a family with someone else.

I have 3 stepchildren (adults now) who I love and would do anything for. I also have a 4yo DD and the connection i have with her is just incomparable, it’s deep rooted and primal. You can’t just ‘have’ that depth of love for other children I don’t think. But this doesn’t make you a bad step parent. In fact you sound great, in my experience it’s much better not to pretend to be their mum. Your DH sounds like an almighty twat who wants to control your life and do his parenting for him.

Please do not marry this man. He is completely unreasonable in his demands and this will only get worse when you are married (and even more so if you have children with him).

Of course an adult in this position should be kind and supportive towards a child. But no one can demand they 'love them like their own' and no one should demand that someone else parents their child or is always present.

His attitude is the problem. It's clear he just wants his workload eased.

Good grief OP - he's all kinds of WRONG.

Get away from him as fast as you can or, I can promise you, your life will be utterly miserable.

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more so I don't have to” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ so I don't have to”.

That's what he means. I'd run a mile personally

Yeah, OP, you're a woman FFS. You should WANT to devote your life to the service of men and children! You should be kissing his feet for the opportunity! /S

Do you plan / want to have kids with him? You've had fair warning on whose job childcare will be, as far as he's concerned.

I have children myself and a partner who is childfree but for the love of god, run away from this man!!!!

Everything you’ve written about him makes him sound like a big, gigantic, humongous waving red flag.

Run for the hills. So many red flags. He is even suggesting that even after his death he will try to control the time the mother has with her own child. Do not have a child with this man it will not end well for you. Does he also talk negatively about his ex? You can do better than be emotionally manipulated by this man.

So many red flags!

Don’t stay with this man, move into your own house and find yourself someone normal to grow old with.

This guy was looking for a bangmaidnanny so he can have a 50/50 custody schedule and not pay maintenance while having someone in house that does the childcare. He wants you to do more so he can do less.

Don't be that sucker.

He's lazy and a shit father. Don't marry him.

Next time he says you're a parent now, tell him his child already has a mother and father. See what he says to that.

And his idea that you can pass on custody in a will is stupid, especially with a surviving parent.

He sounds incredibly controlling and I dare say he was with his ex. Especially not wanting the ex to have child full-time if he died, he’d rather have the child be apart from their only existing parent for 50% of the time, just to spite them potentially.

You're not a parent.
You're not technically a step parent yet.
You don't have parental responsibility for your fiancés child.

He's expecting you to do half the work while his child is there, but it's his responsibility not yours.
You seem to have a really good balance of being a responsible adult in the child's life, you love them at a distance, you engage with them.
He just wants you to play mummy when it's not your job.

My aunt was a stepmum, and the daughter's mother was not terribly present. My aunt and her step daughter had a lifelong and wonderful relationship: the step-daughter pre-deceased my aunt (but not her dad) and my aunt was devastated and I think it is what led to her own death.

All of which to say: it is possible for step kids and their step parents to have great relationships (sometimes even better than with birth parents). Chris Packham kept in close touch with his step daughter after he divorced her mother (not sure why that came to mind but there you go).

BUT this relationship is created by the two people involved, and not by a third party (in this case your fiance) dictating what that relationship should look like. That is where the concern is coming from.

Does your fiance have concerns regarding how the mother is looking after this child?

Walking red flag

Well as far as i'm aware that's not how it works legally.

People can't nominate you to take on their student loan or any other debt when they die, so why does he think you have to take on 50% custody if he pops his clogs? What a melt.

He’s every stepmum’s worst nightmare. Just another deluded, controlling, selfish, lazy, manipulative man who makes being a stepmum sound like a miserable slog.