AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

He's delusional - he can't wish on you something you don't want and something the child may not want either!

Legally, you have no status as a parent so as you rightly say, the child's mother alone would have parental responsibility in the event of his death

If he died, the child would be with mum 100%. You are not the mum, and I am pretty sure that you, the child and the mum are all happy with that position! You could have visits if both you and mum considered that maintaining the relationship was a positive for the child.

Have you discussed other matters e.g. if you were to go on to have children I would imagine you would want your property to be left in such a way that it goes to them eventually and if you don't you may have other family you wish to inherit, where he may be expecting you to treat his child as if they are your child for inheritance purposes (obviously his share should eventually go to all his children).

You're not even married to this man so how he thinks this would work out is beyond me.

If that's his stipulations while only engaged to him I dread to think what rules he'll be laying down once married.

You sound like a lovely engaged and respectful stepmum.

Your fiance sounds deranged. DO NOT marry him any time soon until this is resolved, if it can be. Could you have some marriage counselling about this?

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. You don't want to overstep the mark and it sounds as though you are navigating that perfectly. Do you have a relationship with the mum ? Do you and your partner want to have more children ? I would try to get some time with your step child's mum on her own (if feasible) and discuss how you both want the relationship to look like and what boundaries the biological mum would like. Then it's not guess work and you know where you stand .

Well if his dying wish is that he can hand responsibility for his child over to you, it really can be no surprise that he's already starting the process now. This man does not want to do any 'wifework' or childcare, and is expecting you to do it.

For goodness sake, do not marry this man.

@Theworldonfire You know he's talking bullshit otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. He wants a nanny with a fanny. Most men with kids do. Walk away OP otherwise your future will be horrible. Your partners also sounds a bit deranged to be honest.

That's utterly ridiculous, and shows how screwed up his thinking is.

I have 2 sons, as does my partner. I'm very fond of them, but I don't love them like they're my own.
They already have a lovely mum.

Pregnancy, birth, watching them grow and develop - those are all massively bonding. I think it would be unusual to love a step child like your own.

He has parental responsibility for HIS child. He and his ex will make all the major decisions affecting that child, you won't have any real or legal input, for things like schooling, vaccination etc etc.

It might be his "dying wish" that you would 'take on' his 50:50 custody with his ex if he dies, but no Court is going to uphold that, even if you wanted to.

He sounds difficult.

He's a fruitcake. You'd have zero legal right to see the child if he died.

Dying wish or no, this is bananas. RUN.

No. He's not a keeper. Make haste to a better future. This one spells potential disaster...for you.

He might be saying all those things about how he sees your role in the family OP but he is forgetting that the adult who needs to step up to parent HIS child is NOT you. I will give you three guesses who it is 🙂

a him
b your fiance
c the child’s father

He is looking for a live in childminder, who takes full responsibility for his child, does perfect parenting, does what they are told, runs a clean house and has sex with him. You need to think what the future will look like with him in a few years, especially if you are planning to have your own children with him.

You sound like a kind person, but being kind and caring what happens to his child does not mean you have to be a doormat for your fiancé to wipe his feet on.

Please don't marry this manipulative or deluded, or both, man.

This!

That is so fucking weird! If my ex-husband had died while my children were young, there is no way that I would have shared my kids 50/50 with my ex's widow.

He sounds very intense and obsessive about you taking on a parental role with your step-daughter. You seem to have a really nice relationship with her without taking over from her mum.

This should ring some alarm bells for you. If your step-daughter's mum had died, I could understand why he might want you to take the place of her mum. As that isn't the case, I find his behaviour very odd indeed.

Run , as fast as you can away from this situation. All the parenting will be put onto you and he will do nothing. Privileged indeed. The fuckin nerve of him . Leave and don't be stupid enough to marry him

Sound like you're a free babysitting/taxi service.
HE is responsible for HIS child, not you.

In your shoes, I'd be tying my trainers on tightly and running.

I may have mis-remembered then, from the programme he did about ASD. What I remembered was his first wife divorced him, and she had a daughter by a previous marriage that he had been step dad to since she was quite young, and kept in touch with (At the time he made the programme, he had a new partner who he wasn't living with.) I may not have remembered that correctly, though.

He is deluded. He is stating his wishes as if they are objective facts. He is not listening to your needs. I don't think it will stop with this. Once you are married he'll have strong ideas about your shared money, about how you should live. And he doesn't seem to have the ability to talk and reach compromises. It's not worth it!

I'm a mum, not a stepmum, and I can see friends and book appointments. I do have to let dh know what I'm doing in advance (and vice versa) and some weekends we plan time together as a family. A stepmum has less obligations but it's still probably useful to plan in advance more with a child.
I wouldn't be with someone who told me I shouldn't go out with friends ever.

I’ve been a Stepmum for over 30 years. Never once have I acted as a parent or been asked to. I have discussed parenting issues with my DH but always made it clear that final decisions for his children lay with him and his ex. My SC are all adults now but when they were kids I was often out with my friends or doing my hobbies when his kids were there. To be fair it wasn’t that often as I enjoyed being with them.

i also have an adult son who is not my DH (we met when my son was 6 and his kids 9, 11 and 12) and I frequently visited my family with my son on our own as DH did not wish to go. Not a problem.

we had an agreement that unless it was important to the other one to be involved in decisions regarding our respective kids we each had the right to make decisions and do things with our own children that didn’t necessarily involve the other.

BTW as adults I am more of a ‘friend’ to my SC and certainly not a mother (although I do have maternal feelings for them, worry about them BUT not as much as my own son)

The OP is expected to not have any life that interferes with the time the SD is with them.
He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

You sound to have the step mum/ partner right
however he does not want to parent his child he sees it as your job now
run run run

You're not his step mum because you're not his wife and if I were you, I'd be having a long hard think about whether that would ever be the case.

@MayRibbons , Chris Packham kept in close touch with his step daughter after he divorced her mother
He wasn't married to or living with his 'step-daughter''s mother.