AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

Sounds as though there’s an element of him wanting to punish his ex here, by “replacing” her as much as possible with you.

It’s completely bonkers to think a step-parent would maintain custody after their partner’s death. Some kind of relationship, possibly, but any formal custody, no.

He sounds deluded and controlling.

Nope, he's nuts. I also would hesitate to date men with young kids. Some of them are probably reasonable in their expectations, but too many seem to have insane expectations of what a step-mother should be, especially when the children have their own mother still living and active in their lives.

Why would you be 'over the moon' that he happens to have a child? His own child would probably prefer more time with him over attention from a step-mother, but he doesn't want to do it on his own, hence the unreasonable expectations from you.

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

OMG @Theworldonfire this has red flags all over it. I seriously counsel you NOT to marry this man.
How soon is the wedding ? Can you at least postpone it so you have more time to think?

Your fiance's remarks are TOTALLY unreasonable. You need to say:
"No, this is YOUR child and you (and child's mum) are the primary parents. I will not be doing XYZ"
Then continue to do whatever you want to do on the days stepchild is with you.

Seriously, why would you marry a man who wants to control you like that?

How morbid.
My cousin, getting married to a lovely man with children (7&10) wrote to me for advice (before internet) because at age 40 she had no clue how to be a stepmother and just the name conjuring wicked Disney characters.

Be yourself, I said, remind them who their parents are and you’ll not intervene on their discipline or their house rules but you expect them to be respectful to you and their father. You should support them when asked, but at the end of the day you are their father’s wife and respect their relationship with him.

My cousin decided they were to call her by name, and doesn’t get involved in anything more than accepting school concert invites by her stepchildren which she makes a point of never missing because of the honour of being included.
The closest to getting the kids to bed she told me was helping them decorate their rooms and checking the toothbrush had been used!

I wonder why the birth mother and he originally split...actually I don't wonder at all. He sounds completely controlling and dreadful.

The problem is with your partner not you. From what you have said he comes over as over critical and controlling. Which quite possibly will get a lot worse in years to come if you stay with him.

He wants you to do more so he doesn't have to - he doesn't want a wife he wants free childcare - this is a huge red flag

I wonder what would happen if you said "No, you are being completely unreasonable. I am not their parent and will never be their parent and you will always need to be their sole parent even when I am here". I bet there would be RAGE. Rage followed by emotional manipulation.

Run

@TheBeaTgoeson1 Don't read them then.
Nobody expects her to sprint out of the house.

I fell head over heels in love and moved into the home with my partner’s four children (aged 10 to 2). Their mother had died a couple of years earlier. I’d never had any children of my own and never wanted any but I tried my very best and, yes, I did love them. Within a few months I’d somehow become the primary carer and he came and went as he pleased. Admittedly he’d just started a new job and I wanted to be supportive, but there were never any discussions as to whether I wanted, or even could, look after them seven days a week. It didn’t end well for me as I had a breakdown and never saw them again.

Please don’t allow him to railroad you into this. RUN.

They're variants on 'run for the hills' to express precisely how seriously the OP should take ending this relationship. Obviously, she's not going to strap on a sports bra and trainers and bolt out the door.

The ‘run away’ comments are so tedious. You don’t need to run.

Just leave him.

What's his cultural background?

I think your fiance has issues.
The child has 2 parents, he doesn't need you to be second mum

It sounds like this creep knew exactly what he was doing getting together with someone younger than him and with low self-esteem and poor boundaries. Most women would have ditched him within a week once they realised what kind of a man he was.

You would be absolutely mad to marry him. If I were your mother, I would be telling you to run for the hills without looking back. I doubt you will, but it would make my day to hear that you had.

Exactly ...
Some men's motivations are beyond transparent ... 🙄

Run for the hills. This is a massive red flag, lights are all flashing on the dashboard, a choir of women are screaming at you to run.

As someone has already said - Nanny with a fanny.

There's a reason he's not with the bio-mum. He'll get you pregnant and do the same thing. I've seen this happen so very many times.

Please don't waste your life on this cretin.

RThis is so weird. I have a friend who is very close to her stepfather, even years and years after her mother died. But that's because he was there for 20 odd years as part of her life, including while she was still a child. And her relationship with him now is as an adult child to parent. What does he think is going to happen if he dies next week?

Odd

But can you provide any more comments on what he's expecting TODAY or ho whe is as a parent overall?

Does your fiancee have a tendency to be controlling and tell you what you should be feeling/thinking? Instead of showing interest in understanding your pov?

I find it manipulative that he states you are blessed to be a stepmum. I really really don’t like this one. If anything, it’s him who is blessed to be with someone who treats his child in such a lovely way. But instead of acknowledging that and maybe being a bit grateful, he is telling you you need to do more, that what you already do is not good enough, that you arranging meeting with friends whils DS is here is you behaving badly. That is control. He doesn’t want you meeting friends but is using DS as an excuse to control you.

He also smacks of lazy. You have to be there whenever DS is over- why? Because then you can occupy him, play and chat and he gets to step back.

Im affraid I think attitudes like his will get worse when you get married. Bottom line, he sounds controlling and not very nice or appreciative.

His child was created without any consent or involvement from you, he is his responsibility. He is trying to shift it on you and that is not on. He is manipulating you into a place you don’t want to (or, indeed, need to) be.

Why him and DS’s mom separated?

Maybe he needs to do more, you might be a mother figure but you aren't the mother though if you have own kids you need you treat them all the same, but just cos you are a woman shouldn't mean you do everything, maybe he needs to bath and cook for his kid and you are entitled to own life as well, married, engaged or just in a relationship

He sounds manipulative and like an exploiter. An opportunist. I'd run while it's still easier. Do not marry this person - he sees you as free childcare and he's guilting and gaslighting you. Run. RUN. RUN NOW.

(edited for typo)

I think he's made the point perfectly himself. Of course it wouldn't continue. I suspect you may struggle to even see the child if he died - how is his and your relationship with is ex partner? How would it play out. It illustrates why you are NOT another full parent, but a step parent and so play a role in the childs life, but not a full role.

This is crazy! If your partner died, the child would live solely with their Mum. If the Mum agreed to you occasionally seeing the child then, I think that's about all that could be expected. The Mum has no obligation to allow you to see your step-child, let alone continue 50/50!! Just because that's what your partner wants, doesn't mean that it will happen. The decision would have nothing to do with you, because you're not the child's parent! It would be a decision made by the Mum, who would make it based on what's best for her child. What if you wanted to remarry? It wouldn't be appropriate for you to have an unrelated child in your care 50% of the time.

What is clear, is your partner is very willing to use emotional blackmail and guilt to make you do what he wants. Red flags galore. Run.

You're not seriously going to marry him, are you?