AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

This is not a good man. I also don't see him as a good father, since he wishes to usurp his son's mother with his partner.

You've spent four years with this man. When did he start pulling this shit?

I'd suggest having a very serious conversation with this man regarding his expectations, because they're mad.

Quick question - is there an ages difference between you? Are you considerably younger? My reason for asking is that some men feel more comfortable ordering a young woman around as if she were an employee, where they wouldn't try it with a woman of their own age.

Mate, he sounds like a nasty manipulative bully taking advantage of your good nature. RUN

This is worrying. Telling you how you must feel is very controlling. As others have said - run ( fast).

He’s being a total weirdo. I don’t even take my bio kids on a date- I certainly wouldn’t take step kids. Who would take any kids on dates?
The thing about keeping custody after his death is psychotic.
He sounds controlling in general. Laying down the law in this way is unacceptable- why does he think he’s the boss of you?
Run, or you’ll regret it.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think this man is trouble. If you're wise you'll leave him.

This.

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🙄 do you always take things literally?

It adds more urgency and importance than just “leave”.

@Theworldonfire what are your thoughts about what to do now that you’ve read 12 pages pretty much unanimously advising you reconsider the relationship, and 98% of 1,300 people say you are not unreasonable?

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Pay attention OP!
Yanbu to imagine what would happen if he died. The law would agree with you.

If his ex died, would he really have 50/50 with his ex’s new partner?

Sounds like you have a good grasp of boundaries around his child and he is being a bit of a dick. Of course he should prioritise his DD and hope you will join in doing some stuff with them but he should spend a lot of time 1:1 with her. She (presumably) has a mother, and it's not you. If her mother had a new partner and then died would he expect his DD to spend 50% of her life with this unrelated man? If you split up it would be lovely if you keep some contact with the child but you have no rights or responsibilities towards her.

I'd end this relationship. He wants you to take over his role as 'parent' on the days he has his child because it's a bit of a ball ache for him.

And if he dies you step up? Nah. He's an idiot.

Of course this is not right OP, as most PP have pointed out.

It’s as if he watched the Handmaid’s Tale and the Testaments and now thinks he’s a commander in Gilead, where a new mother would be provided for his child in the event of his wife dying (or being executed or sent to the colonies). Nope!

OP your fiance sounds delusional. Either that or there is a huge incompatibility in expectations (and he is in the wrong). I don’t think you can convince him that he’s out of order; if I were you I’d walk away. At least you found out before it’s too late. And I’m saying that as a mom.

Gawd he sounds awful.

Don’t marry him. He has an appalling attitude towards you. Run now while you can.

Yeah, hes totally off the mark. Husband and I both had a child each when we got together. You do feel differently to your own, don't get me wrong I love DSD Ive beenbin her life since she was 15 months old and she about to turn 23 but the depth/bond or whatever you want to call it is different.
Also, DH and I co-parented with our exs and it would be disrespectful to their bio parents to try to assume a fully parental role. You get a say in how householdcworks but stuff like schooling etc isn't in your remit as a step parent.

Its almost like he's priming you to be the primary care giver in your household for his DC so he doesn't have to. The you need to think about xyz...no you don't he does!

You need to set some strong boundaries with this man ASAP!

Bin the fucker off. He is even arranging your life in the event of his death.

I was a stepmum for four years. It was stuff like that that had me getting a work mate to call me in for an emergency and partly why I eventually left.

He abdicated every bit of responsibility for his two kids onto me and pissed off out all the time.

I bailed. Do not marry this controlling prick. He will ruin your life. he only sees you through the lens of what he can get you to do for him.

Run for your life.

You're not in the wrong at all. I'm a SM to three kids. Initially I did far too much and then took a step back and realised it was not my place.

Step kids are the only thing I argue with my husband about. He is completely inconsistent, one minute he agrees I'm not a parent and shouldn't be involved with certain things then next he wants me to do xyz.

It doesn't change the longer you've been together. It also doesn't change when you have your own child together, you still feel like an outsider.

Family time would be ok if he respected other aspects of OP’s life eg her appointments and her time with her friends. But he is basically saying, my child comes before your appointment, my child comes before your plans with your friends, my child comes before every other bit of your life every time. Thats suffocating.

He has said what happens if he dies?

Well for a start OP, I think most of mumsnet will give you a cast iron alibi, so you can stop worrying.

OP, 200+ comments and an almost unanimous vote. Most of us think you had your involvement about right and your partner is being unreasonable.

Have you had any thoughts regarding the comments and weight of the vote ?

I thought the same!!!

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

He talks like he's your Employer and you are an employee who is not pulling their weight.
There's a lot of mention of your duty.. but not much mention of love.

And this is the pre marriage phase. What's he going to be like in a few years time.

Just out of interest is he 50/50 with the child's mother? or is he looking to increase his time with the child, now that he's roped you in to do the work and he can cut his maintenance payements.

Asking you to keep the custody arrangements after he's dead is very very odd.

Did he use the words terrible stepmum? You sound like a kind and considerate person... certainly not terrible at all. If he called you that, he's the terrible one.

In summary OP

RUN

He is completely deluded

I agree. He wants her to do everything so that he doesn’t have to do anything.