AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

I have a SM, I have been a SM of sorts, my children have a SM and my Mum was a SM! I would say that you sound completely reasonable and level headed and child lead without being hands off . I don’t understand his angle and without knowing him it’s hard to say what his motivations are . I like that he is putting his child first, but I also think his expectations and demands on your are unfair. If he is a great partner otherwise then I would suggest some therapy to navigate these complicated waters. It’s so tricky managing blended families, and you sound very loving. Just as long as you aren’t being taken advantage of. Only you know if he is worth the work or not. You are marrying a man with a child so I would expect some hard work but this does seem to be tipping over into controlling behaviour . It needs a serious conversation about your own boundaries and what you can offer. Maybe he’s just anxious and wanting the best for his child but it’s coming across as too full on.

Fuck that! Please don't marry this man. He is unhinged.

Couldn't have put it better myself! Been there, done that and I would never do it again.

If I was you I'd go out more often. He needs to spend 1:1 time with HIS child.

You can’t love them like your own, what a fucking dickhead. You should not be expected to do anything other than being there as support on a part time in the background basis. No doubt everyone else will make you see how unrealistic and unreasonable he is. Take it from me, if you don’t have kids do not marry someone who already has them, it was my mistake please don’t make it be yours.

Oh wow op this is bloody odd thinking if he passed away you might not even see the kid again he obviously wants more from you but like others have said your not her mum I don’t think it would be an issue with bath time or schoolwork if the kid is ok about it. Op you will love her in your own way but doesn’t mean you give up your life is he hoping you will do more to give him his freedom because otherwise he needs to be main parent is he resentful of your free time?

I reckon he wants a nanny with a fanny. He wants you to assume a parent role so he gets to do less.

You are not his child's parent. You will never be his child's parent. If he dies or dumps you you will have no legal right to see his child. His expectations are unreasonable. I don't think you should be anymore or do anymore than you and the child feels comfortable with. I think being a trusted, loving and consistent adult figure in her life is more than enough.

He does a lot of telling, doesn’t he!

His expectations are rigid and therefore concerning if not downright alarming.

I wonder, given time, what other ‘expectations’ will be placed on you.

Run!

This is odd. I have a dsd and was in her life a similar age to you. She is 13 now. I am 100% her friend. I am not her mum. She has a mum. I don’t parent her. I do her laundry etc as part of my household work. I make meals. I buy nice birthday gifts. I am a genuinely nice person to her. I do love her. I’m not her mum. If dh dies. I will probably see some of dsd as I imagine she will want to see her little brother etc. but I guess it would be less than now.

I also find it odd that your partner thinks you shouldn’t have plans on step child’s night etc. perfect opportunity for them to have 1-2-1 time which I would imagine he would want. DH has 1-2-1 time with each of his children. If this is his position. What would be the position if you had a child together?

I am not a step mum but I LOVE my step mum and have a really good relationship with her. I think it’s because she doesn’t and never has tried to be my mum, and my dad never made her do that.

I don’t think you should marry this guy because I don’t think he’s a good a dad. Without a good dad, you can’t be a good step mum and inevitably the kids will hate you over your dad.

So I would say firstly you're not a step mum until the child in question calls you that without pressure or coersion. It sounds like you were not introduced such a long time ago so this may not happen for years if ever. Secondly what does the child actual Mum think? Is she up for a three way co parenting relationship or does she see it more her and her ex? Then what do you want. What your parenter wants in all of this is way down the bottom of the list. The sooner he realises this the better.

Run. Now. My DH used to be like this and it nearly killed our marriage and took a couples counsellor to point out how wrong he was.

Leave now if he doesn’t see sense.

It’s a shame he isn’t really appreciative of all the lovely things you have done for his child Maybe spell out to him what you do do, and ask specifically if there is one or two more things that you could do to help

But after that, put your foot down and say you are doing the best you can and he needs to accept it.

Congratulations you got the nanny job that you didn’t apply for nor want! He’s a user and wants you to pick up his slack.

Don't walk away
Run!

Who the fuck does he think he is!

This does not bode well op. Be very careful if you stay with him.

Run. Definitely don’t marry him or have children with me. He’s just trying to get you to do the work.

Run for the hills! He is batshit!

He is privileged you have taken on the role of stepmum. He is OOO to think you can't have a life when your DSC is around.

I repeat, run for the hills.

Sounds like he wants a nanny with a fanny.

100% this.

This has absolutely nothing to with being a stepparent and everything to do with this man being controlling and entitled. You are his partner not a bloody employee.

I suspect this isn’t the first instance where he feels entitled to call the shots.

if you marry this man, his controlling behaviour will get worse.

I would imagine that if you had a child together he would expect you never went anywhere without them? Why is it unacceptable to him for you to go out while sd is with you ?

whoa, im hearing that he wants to dump all responsibilities in to you (though im older and jaded).

I think how you are feeling is very understandable. Run for the hills and find yourself someone without a child.

Stop with the 'theys' and 'thems', sounds like several kids instead of one.

Its not morbid to discuss with your partner what you want to happen if one of you dies, it's sensible. Especially if there are children involved.

I think OPs partner would be in for a shock though to find that you can't bequeath your parental responsibility to another person. I can't imagine the child's surviving parent would be happy about it either - unless they are super confident (a lot of people sadly seem to begrudge their children a relationship with their other parent, let alone a step parent).