AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

You can’t love them exactly as your own. Thats a huge impossible ask. Loving them as a stepchild is enough.

also non stepparents go out when their kids are around. Eg gym. To expect you not to go out when they are around is batshit

You need to leave him.

This is coercive control and is abuse.

Do you have somewhere safe you can go?

He sounds a nasty piece of work. Coercive control. He’ll get worse.

He’s calling her needy.

Wtf is cradling?

Totally agree he could be trying to take child away from mother for you to look after

Dump this guy asap. HIS CHILD IS NOT YOUR CHILD & IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He expects you to slave over his kid. The child already has a mother. And you are not the mother. You will never be the mother. The kid will remind you of this ever. Single. Day.

As another poster summed up: he wants and demands a nanny with a fanny.

if you stay, you will soon find all your money spent on HIS KID. You will be exhausted looking after HIS KID. Meanwhile, you will be talked out of having kids of your own. And even if you were dumb enough to get yourself knocked up by this guy, he would make it clear that his kid is more important than your shared kid.

Grow up, get out, don’t allow yourself to be manipulated and gaslit in a relationship again. You should be looking for partners without baggage.

Hes dictating to you and his ex because his child is something he owns and hes telling you what to.do with.his possession when he dies..i would tell him that when he dies you will be off with someone else and his child will be living with their mother..very odd

I am a stepmum, very successfully to if I say so myself. Dss is now 22, dsd is 19. Been in theirnlives since they were 9 and 6. I am nomlonger with their dad but we are still very close. I also have dd who is their sister.

I do not love them in the same way as I love dd. However, I do love them more than my neices and nephews.

Your fiancé is a twat and is setting you up. He will abdicate all responsibility to you by the sounds of it.

The child's mum will not like you trying to take on a bigger role.

It is vital that sc and dad have time just them. No parent is with their kid 24/7/365 so to have that expectation of a step parent is ridiculous.

If he carries on then honestly you need to leave.

Do you have wedding plans and plan to have children together ?

It may be an old fashioned view but you are not married to your step child's father and so I don't think there is any expectation from you .
It sounds like you are doing a very good job and doing more than you should for his child already.
It's him that needs to be a good parent .

Your opinion and behaviour is 100% reasonable. Your partner is controlling and likely to be abusive. Think very carefully before taking this relationship further.

This is beyond bonkers!!!

if he died then the child’s actual parent would look after them…

sorry this man is honestly insane, run!!

Hhm he sounds a tad controlling and know your place woman,. How will it be when you have your own child and hes dictating to you and expecting you to still care for stepchild when pregnant ,.and saying his child is to.go on dates with you is a huge red flag as to.how they see the roles of men and woman..
.

i think what you’re doing is enough, my stepmum was like you although she did have kids herself and I know she would lie awake until I got home at night.
Your fella sounds like a prat, and I wouldn’t want my exs partner bathing my children.

Dump him now. He will get worse and worse.

Nanny with a fanny is scarily accurate. I've seen it happen to people in real life.

So he is basically emotionally blackmailing you !!
I would walk away from this or tell him straight she isn't your child you her Stepmum ! And whilst your happy to be part of this child's life you are not going to be an unpaid nanny !!
See his reaction to the above and I would run if he tried emotionally blackmailing me again !
He is her father and when he has his child she is solely his responsibility and you are the bonus in her life because you care for her as she is for you !

Reading your OP I thought, great, a woman who knows what a stepmother’s role is and isn’t. You sound like someone with her stepkid’s best interests at heart and in mind.

FWIW my dc has a step mum who has tried several times to play a parenting role, and it makes me secretly furious but my dc also resents it, because she HAS a mum. (This stepmother has historically had no respect for my boundaries so this isn’t new, and it baffles me how she can’t see how inappropriate her behaviour is.)

My dc also has a stepdad who doesn’t try to parent, but is there as an adult who cares (as you sound). She’s much more comfortable with his approach to step-parenting than her dad’s wife’s, because it respects her boundaries and acknowledges that she has a dad.

If my dc’s dad passed away, and she wanted to see her stepmum, of course I would facilitate that if it needed facilitating- but equally of course it would never in a million years be 50:50 between the stepmum and me!

I have to agree with pp: this is a red flag that your fiancé wants you to override your own boundaries as well as his daughter’s mum’s status. You’re not a parent to this little girl, and I fear the parenting he wants you to do is his parenting. If you look elsewhere in the relationship, are there other areas that he tests your boundaries in?

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listen to what he is saying. This is so manipulative and controlling. How can anyone control your emotions?

run

Parade of red flags 🚩 sorry. I know how hard it must be to hear this but if you marry this man you will regret it. The behaviour is controlling. Why are you more concerned about how this child feels about a step mother taking over than he is? Why is he trying so hard to get you to take on the mother’s role. I’d say you are not only being lined up to be nanny but fuel whatever feud he has going on with his ex. None of this is loving towards you or his child. Cockwomble indeed.

Gosh he's certainly got unreasonable expectations given the birthmother would have parental control in the event of your fiancé's death. She doesn't have to give you anything.
To put it kindly, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer is he? Or conversely is this the beginnings of coercive control.
Ffs dont marry him. Is there an age difference in this relationship whereby he thinks he can direct you?

I have a stepdaughter and love her to bits but she has a mum to whom I've always deferred if I've needed to. Never get in between. Sometimes DH will assume we'll do this or that and I've said what does mum say on the matter. Luckily we've all always got on because she knows I've tried my best and put the child first.
You go into such a relationship with your eyes wide open and try to all be on the same page.

I’d be interested to speak with the child’s mother and ask why they separated. I’m guessing he’s explained to you that she’s crazy and caused all their problems. When in reality, they probably split because he couldn’t be arsed doing any actual parenting. Is he much older than you?

As a stepmom to my dd (I was in her life from birth and along with my husband received permanent custody/ her bio mom lost all rights and was ordered no contact till child reached 18) My boyfriend (now husband) had no expectations. I had 3 children and I loved my dd as my own. I'm sure it would have been different if her bio mom was in her life. I had a stepmom who has been in my life over 30+ years. She loved me like her own as my own bio mom really wasn't in my life. She showed up for all events and my children know her as their grandmother. I knew what it was to feel unwanted and unloved, from my bio mom, and never wanted any of our children to feel that way.

With that being said... you both need to sit down and talk about what he expects of you as a stepmom and you tell him what you are willing to do. If you cannot agree it's best to split now. It may hurt the child but you don't want to stay and be a nurse maid to a child you don't see as your own. Children can tell when they are loved and unloved and will behave accordingly.

You’re not being unreasonable, I felt the same way when I started as a stepmom and had similar boundaries. Over the years we came to love each other and although I wasn’t able to have children of my own, I don’t think I could love them more. I got involved in some school pickup as they got older, and other activities with them. They’re both adults now and happily talk about their four parents and how we are all part of their lives. My advice would be not to force anything but also don’t keep those boundaries too tight - they will naturally change over time.

Run, who does he think he is? He is the parent not you. Was a step mum and am a mother. He wants you to parent because he doesn't want to.s