Page 10 | AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

Theworldonfire · 2026-05-05T08:56:01+00:00

Hi, i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives). this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out. I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us. he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love. fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all. Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Chickadeeinme · 05/05/2026 20:45

OP you said this is how you feel:
I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

Does that sound like the kind of feeling you think you should have on entering a marriage? Maybe have a rethink?

thistimelastweek · 05/05/2026 20:42

OP, to pare it back to your original question, he expects you to alleviate all his parental responsibilities.
It would also help if you absolve him of all responsibilities as a partner.
So, roll up your sleeves and set to making his life easier.
OR, leave him to face up to his own responsibilities.

bigboykitty · 05/05/2026 20:41

Your boyfriend is a lazy, piss-taking, manipulative cunt. It couldn't be any clearer.

SpringLambton · 05/05/2026 20:40

Your relationship with the child sounds perfectly appropriate! Unfortunately the relationship with the child's father doesn't bode well for a healthy future. I would quietly disengage from the fiance, even though unfortunately you're likely to lose the relationship with his child.

TheBlueKoala · 05/05/2026 20:40

This thread reminds me so much about another similar a couple of months ago. Does anyone remember : surgeon who had gym side business and left the OP babysitting and complained she didn't get up in the morning because he felt lonely with his daughter ? That OP finally left the twat and good for her. I think there was a lot of good advice on that thread that this OP could benefit from if anyone can find it.

user2848502016 · 05/05/2026 20:37

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

This isn’t a healthy relationship, I really think you need to make plans to split up

NarnianQueen · 05/05/2026 20:32

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone.

Bloody hell, ask him how he’d cope if YOU died! And you’re not even the parent!

He’s a total arsehole and he’s trying to make you do his parenting for him

Gremlins101 · 05/05/2026 20:32

Your attitude is entirely normal and respectful and his is absolutely nuts

Takeoutyourhen · 05/05/2026 20:30

I’m glad you realise that it isn’t right,
please don’t believe that you are trapped.
I assure you, wholeheartedly, that the effort to leave him, whether it is moving out, tenancy/mortgage paperwork, finding a new place will be 100% better than staying with this man. And if he gets rageful or ups the emotional manipulation, let it prove that it’s a worthwhile decision.
Enjoy your life!

shhblackbag · 05/05/2026 20:29

He sounds worse with every post. I hope you leave. Look after yourself.

Tabla · 05/05/2026 20:25

First response nails it. Nanny with a fanny.

Run quickly.

Don’t tell him why, just go.

blackcatlove · 05/05/2026 20:25

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

shhblackbag · 05/05/2026 20:25

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 11:34

He has said what happens if he died? I asked what he meant? He said, well you’d have to maintain 50/50 with stepchild’s mum, that’s my dying wish. I said well I don’t think their mum would agree to that as it quite odd? He then got upset saying I didn’t care about his child.

Be very grateful you found this out about the man before marrying him. Seriously. Get away.

nomas · 05/05/2026 20:22

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

I’m so glad you’re coming to this realisation.

I think it would be helpful to take it step by step and see where you are trapped. What is the housing situation? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Whose name is on what?

Beaniebobbins · 05/05/2026 20:22

Coercive control klaxon

welcome to the club OP it happens to the very best of us.

when you are poorly your partner is supposed to care for you and look after you not complain that you are poorly. I’m not sure what your illness was but he sounds like he made you feel guilty for being ill. What would this man be like if you have a difficult pregnancy or childbirth, or you were in hospital for something. You have normalised his behaviour because you are used to it and because you are a nice person and you don’t want to upset him. But you matter, your feelings matter, your health matters.

make a diary of his behaviours and then contact a domestic abuse agency to speak about emotional abuse. Best of luck OP

AfraidToRun · 05/05/2026 20:21

OP, is there anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable sharing this with who perhaps have had concerns before?

I fear that there may be more behaviours/comments that he will have made that didn't sit right with you. If you get a little heaviness in the pit of your stomach when thinking about a future with him, it's telling you you deserve better. Listen to it.

PepsiBook · 05/05/2026 20:20

You're not a horrible step parent - HE is the horrible parent.
Kid child is coming to see him, not you.

Hoanna · 05/05/2026 20:16

He does not want more effort than he would have to do if you were the child's real mum. Which shows what kind of man he always has been

outerspacepotato · 05/05/2026 20:07

He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

You're not even married and he's already controlling and coercive and trying to isolate you from friends or going to necessary appointments or not letting you rest when you're ill. This guy is abusive, he's already started and it will really ramp up if you marry him. This is not love.

I would advise you to do a Clare's law check on him, get your ducks in order and leave as soon as possible. Call the police if you feel you need them to exit safely.

Nicewoman · 05/05/2026 20:01

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

You need to get out before he turns violent when you don’t do what you are told. And before you say he wouldn’t do that, he is already showing controlling abusive behaviour. The next stage is violence.

Eddielizzard · 05/05/2026 20:00

Apologies if I've missed it - are you living together? You are not trapped. There is absolutely nothing stopping you leaving him. You can leave. You can end this. You have not married him. You do not owe him anything.

Firefly100 · 05/05/2026 19:59

Oh dear OP I am so sorry. Your most recent post makes it clear he really doesn’t want you for you does he? He wants childcare support. If you think you feel trapped now, this is nothing to how it would be post marriage and children. Be grateful you have now seen this for what it is before it got further.

Nicewoman · 05/05/2026 19:59

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

You are being controlled and it could
turn ugly every fast. Get out of this relationship asap. Block him. Move on.

PygmyOwl · 05/05/2026 19:57

So you're needy if you want to spend time with him when DSC isn't around, and selfish if you want time to yourself when she is around? Who made him the boss so he knows exactly the right amount of time in either situation and you're always in the wrong?

Dontbeconspicuous · 05/05/2026 19:56

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 19:47

I’ve read every post, I appreciate all the replies. I’m really overwhelmed at the amount of responses and that they all say the same thing.

I do feel manipulated. I’m told that if he was a stepdad he’d do xyz.

He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time.

When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”.

Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn.

“I feel trapped” - you MUST get out before you’re married or you’ll be regretting it for a long time.

I have a friend who went ahead with her wedding even though she knew deep down it wasn’t right just to save face, not let others down etc, inevitably it eventually ended in divorce so don’t be like her.

Also it’s completely unreasonable to expect you to always be around when she’s there - even bio parents are away from the house sometimes!