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Original poster

AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

587 replies

Theworldonfire · 05/05/2026 09:56

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

OP posts:
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Shinyandnew1 · 13/06/2026 10:22

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

I hope you are ok.

Are you at your mum’s now? What’s happened?

RunningforSam · 13/06/2026 09:26

I’ve just revisited this thread. I do hope the OP has been able to move on.

The fiancé strikes me as the ‘Fun Bobby’ type of parent. Loves his child and all of the special moments, but struggles to tolerate the dull, draining and relentless moments in between. His solution is to have adult company to share the burden and/or provide adult company to make things more enjoyable to him.

I don’t think it’s just a matter of managing expectations around step parenting, he is showing who he is as a father - which means the same problems would arise if they had a child together.

GrandmasCat · 22/05/2026 19:01

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

I hope you are ok OP, safe and that you managed to make it to your mum’s without problems.

If you have not please ask for help, get your friends on board, call Women’s Aid, find local charities dealing with domestic abuse (he doesn’t need to beat you for it to be abuse) talk about it, it will help you to keep it real in order to be able to go. If you went back, don’t feel too bad, I’m sure I read somewhere that in average it takes 5-7 attempts for the woman to be able to leave an abusive relationship, so this may be just strike one but remember that the longer you take to leave the less confident you will feel to make it out there, so don’t wait for him to brainwash you/destroy your confidence.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 20/05/2026 11:06

@Theworldonfire
I hope you are at your Mom's, got your stuff out of his house and have not let that man sweet-talk you into going back.

XMissPlacedX · 13/05/2026 19:33

How are you getting on at your mums OP?

Clarabell77 · 12/05/2026 17:39

BIossomtoes · 05/05/2026 10:00

I’ve been a step mum for nearly 30 years and I think your bloke should fuck right off. I’d be rethinking my future if I were you.

Me too for a similar length of time and totally agree, I have a great relationship with SC but there was never any expectation or pressure put on me and any effort made was and is appreciated.

OP you sound like you’re a lovely step parent and he should be grateful for that. Sorry but it’s not a good sign.

Electricsausages · 12/05/2026 17:32

So glad your going to / at your mums
best decision ever, good luck op

SweepLovesSoo · 12/05/2026 15:17

God, I cried a little reading your update. What a bastard.

I’s so pleased you are leaving him.

canuckup · 12/05/2026 15:02

Go to your mum's and stay at your mum's op.

toiletpaperthief · 12/05/2026 13:44

I find it very sad when i read stories of emotional abuse on here, it breaks my heart.

Please run to the hills from this man OP.

Ilady · 12/05/2026 10:15

I was glad to see that you decided to leave this man. He did not care about you. He just wanted you there to mind his child, do the housework and provide sex. He had a child and his child is his responsibility to care for. That includes minding them on his own when they are away from there mother and providing money for them.

He showed his true colours on more than one occasion and at least you realised what he was really like. You told your mother and she told you to leave and not to tell him this until after you were gone.

I hope you bought away all your documents, financial information, computer ect and are currently in your mother's happy that you got away from a user like him. He is not going to be happy but you need to tell him it over and that your not hanging around to be used as a his child's babysitter and getting verbal abuse off him either.
Tell your friends why you left him as well as you might need there support as he will come back making promises and a man like him will never change.
He believes he is always right and he thinks the world should revolve around him and his needs.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/05/2026 10:01

Hope you are ok at your mums @Theworldonfire

bitterbuddhist · 12/05/2026 07:43

Whiteheadhouse · 10/05/2026 21:03

You do realise he is controlling, manipulative and coercive? I absolutely believe he is capable of serious abuse of you.
Gather anything sentimental, paperwork, jewellery, passport etc., and bring them with you.
He is quite capable of destroying stuff or losing your stuff out of spite.
Take anything of real value.
Do not tell him anything.
Can you leave after him?
Email work that you will be late and gather a decent bag of clothes.This is a bad man who sees you as a skivvy. He is a shit father and definitely not a man to ever have a child with.
He will definitely try and get you back, be ready for that. He doesn't like his child and needs a woman, any woman to be his skivvy aupair.
Such a narrow escape.

What @Whiteheadhouse said! Get all your stuff together. It might mean that you take them to work with you (passport, jewellery, important papers) and move them to your work place or just take them in your bag and go. I'm so glad that he showed you his true colours before the marriage, because it's a lot easier to get out of his life.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 12/05/2026 05:50

Hope you are ok @Theworldonfire and enjoying the breathing space and some time with your mum.

if you didn’t go, it’s ok - just get a plan in your head for how you want this to play out x

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 11/05/2026 18:28

So pleased and proud of you and your mum. Things would probably have got much worse the longer the relationship lasted. If you were my daughter I would welcome you with open arms and be proud of you x

OttersOnAPlane · 11/05/2026 17:12

Keep yourself safe, and I think we all wish you a happy and free life away from him.

FreyaW · 11/05/2026 17:07

Yeah..your Mum is wise re not telling him..fk knows what his reaction would be if he knew.
Take care of yourself...be careful x

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 11/05/2026 14:27

So glad you've got your mum.

Mumsnet has many faults but it can really be a force for good, too.

user2848502016 · 11/05/2026 13:29

Well done, you’re doing the right thing. He’d get worse if you got married and had kids with him

muggart · 11/05/2026 13:16

he is so manipulative and openly using you. well done for seeing through it. good luck today!

rainbowstardrops · 11/05/2026 12:31

Good on your mum! She can clearly see straight through him.

Iamstardust · 11/05/2026 12:07

Godspeed your escape from this abusive man @Theworldonfire

Girlwithavibe · 11/05/2026 12:05

Theworldonfire · 10/05/2026 19:02

Just thought I’d update.

He’s escalated over the weekend and shown me in no uncertain terms that I’m an on duty babysitter. I had a migraine yesterday and had a nap around 1pm. He slept on the couch last night and said he’s “sick of all the rest I get whilst he has to get on with it”.

Today I was meant to visit my elderly mum. He said “oh so you’re “sick” yesterday but you have enough energy to spend time with your mother today and leave me and dsd again, having spent no time with us yesterday?”

for context, I spent all day with them yesterday, bar the 1 hour nap.

i didn’t end up going to my mums because i just knew the atmosphere I’d come back to. Cue him saying “why’ve you cancelled going to your mums?” All shocked.

I have told my mum everything (there’s more than just what’s on this thread, but I don’t have the energy to type it). I am going to work as normal tomorrow and then driving straight to hers where I will stay for however long I need/want. She told me not to let him know I’m going.

Well-done stay strong and get yourself out of there for good x

Diosmonet · 11/05/2026 11:49

OP, I have just read all your posts and update, and found it chilling reading.

Don't be under any illusion that leaving this man is saving your future self from untold control, unhappiness and abuse. Having dc with this man would condemn you to such misery and anguish.

Go and don't look back. His only single redeeming feature is that he showed you exactly who he is before anything irreversible like a baby, happened.

FloofyKat · 11/05/2026 11:27

I’m so sorry,OP, that it has come to this, but glad for you that you’ve seen him for what he is. Well done on telling your mum everything, I know how hard that can be. Sounds like she has your back and will be of great support to you in the coming weeks. Do you have other family and friends to lean on, too?