I’m not happy in life

You sound depressed @alspancakeworld . Very depressed.

I'm not sure if you're are reading replies now. I have only read your posts and a couple of pages of comments.

I remember feeling much the same way as you do now a while ago. I don't feel that way now because of choices I have made and make today.
I choose not to continually retraumatise myself.
I know that I am not God and I am not responsible for everything happening everywhere. I have some responsibility for what is happening where I am.
I am at the centre of my own universe, or near it, but I am not more important or more moral or more right than everyone else and that means it's not possible for me to insist that no human being has a right to happiness if any human being anywhere is suffering.
I do believe in the Buddhist idea of the existence of suffering and the other three noble truths.
If it is right for me to want my children to be happy and to want to lessen their suffering then it is also right for me.
I hope you find a way to grow from your awareness and find a perspective and way if being that lessens your own suffering and that of others.

This is why I don’t watch the news. It’s depressing and infuriating and there is nothing I can do about it. Got enough going on to worry about in my own little bubble - may be a selfish approach but you can’t take on everyone else’s problems. Have you thought about some sort of therapy if you really can’t switch off from it all?

OP- I find it interesting that several people have offered thoughtful, kind and genuinely constructive responses on this thread, yet those replies seem to have gone completely unacknowledged by you.

I’ve actually enjoyed reading many of them - there’s been a really good balance of philosophical perspectives, practical approaches and positive personal experiences.

What stands out, though, is that you seem very resistant to any viewpoint that challenges your current outlook. At times, your responses to people trying to offer a different perspective have come across as almost irritated, which makes me wonder what you were hoping to gain from asking the question in the first place.

It feels less like you’re exploring ideas and more like you’re determined to hold onto the belief that the world is entirely bleak, and that any attempt to see nuance or hope is somehow invalid and even makes you angry for some reason and only you know why that is.

But there’s nothing admirable or productive about immersing yourself in misery indefinitely. It doesn’t help other people, and in many ways it leaves you less able to support them because it places you in a completely powerless position.

It’s a bit like believing that the only way to empathise or help a friend who has a broken leg is to break your own leg too. That wouldn’t help them heal or walk again, all it would do is leave both of you struggling.

That isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t stop children being bombed or women being raped and I believe it’s inherently wrong to ignore for my own happiness.

This is what comes across as performative.

Crudely, we are animals, and although we have empathy and some of us have a moral compass, it's not natural to be feeling things on such a level.

Do you suppose that during the second world war, people never felt happiness or got on with their Iives, despite their husband's or sons being involved on the fighting and the contact threat of being bombed?

More generally speaking, people lose loved ones every day and move on with their Iives.

Terrible things happen in the world beyond our control - that's a reason to be grateful if you are fortunate enough to be safe and not squander happiness.

I honestly don’t know. My brain isn’t wired that way. Everything ‘out there’ I don’t have any control over, so there is no point in worrying about it. Yes it’s terrible, yes life is unfair and cruel etc . It always has been, always will be, and anyone who told you otherwise was lying.

what age are you OP?

It sounds as if @alspancakeworld has lost touch with her own joy. As pp said, we can’t take on the world’s sorrows and remain well. It does sound as if OP isn’t well at the moment. Depression is a horrible illness and it really does do odd things to your thought processes.

When I’m laughing about something with my teen son, or swimming in the sea with my DD, or chatting with a close friend or at the theatre with my sister - the last thing I’m thinking about is a famine or a war

but I am sensing that you don’t have anyone close in your life @alspancakeworld . No partner? No children? No close friends? I too wouldn’t be happy in life and would be seeking the negative if was alone.

The world is also full of amazing things. Amazing people.

What good is it doing the world obsessing over the bad. Is it making the world any better?

That does make sense. Thanks!

First noble truth:

Suffering exists. Humans are of the nature of beings who suffer.

There are three more noble truths, though. So, yes. Bad stuff happens. So does good stuff. It's the nature of the world.

I think the distinction would be the stuff going on in the news having a permanent effect on your ability to feel joy about anything.

I think a lot of (most?) people will feel a certain amount of depression and despair listening to certain news stories - but it will be fleeting, they are able to process it and then find some joy in their lives - in the OP's case, this would mean going & enjoying a lunch with friends, and seeing that there is good in the world too. She's unable to do this.

This isn’t healthy at all. It might help to think that you are basically overloaded with news. In the past you would never have heard about most of the things you’re worrying about. In the gentlest way you might like to look into speaking to someone about processing this

How do you distinguish someone being already depressed and therefore overly affected by the news vs the terrible things in the world causing the depression?

Just because most people are not affected by these things it means they're automatically well-adjusted?

How are you now op

BTW, my life was different and difficult from the moment I was born 3 months prematurely, weaned off heroin. I was fortunate to have a wonderful upbringing with adoptive parents, but the last decade has been very hard health-wise, and I had three concussions, and was permanently injured by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

But i try to choose to go to bed and be grateful I have another day with my children, my family, and am safe in my home.

Lots of pain and times of despair have been quite hard for me obviously with the health problems but I think it's been a great lesson in being able to be grateful for the things I can control.

Well, people have starved, been unwell, died, been murdered, and lived miserable lives since the day dot. At least modern life has a way of distracting you from the world and its problems, and medical progress means more people are saved from life threatening illnesses and diseases.

And of course, there's always been lack of justice, war, famine, abuse, poverty... we could possibly go on forever about those less fortunate than ourselves. But, as my DH tells me, sometimes the news is somewhat skewed to making us feel bad, digest the first worst possible news, invoking sadness and then anxiety/despair.

In spite of this, we can choose just to actively consume snippets or nothing at all. Not obviously to deny suffering, but to protect our own mental health.

Then if you still feel depressed, be active in your community/food banks/helping those people who are less fortunate. Maybe volunteer for St John's Ambulance or the Red Cross.

Or just eat cake and be happier. 😄🎂

And try to find a way of distracting yourself if you can.💗

Whenever I am with friends having a drink or go somewhere nice I’m thinking to myself “what right do I have to pretend that stuff isn’t happening and just enjoy myself?

But both things can be true. Do you think a woman who has been raped can never sit and have a drink or go somewhere nice? Do you think they have to dwell on the reality that it happened to them and that it is happening to someone else?

Do you think people in Ukraine are not going out with friends and enjoying a drink in the midst of terrible uncertainty and risk?

Equally, the popular person who seems to 'have it all' with no stress or worries about the world can actually be very unhappy.

So what is happiness? What kind of happiness are you striving for? You seem to be seeking a hedonistic feeling, or a maximisation of pleasure. Perhaps you should strive for a more stoical state of happiness - finding tranquility by accepting what you cannot control and focusing on your own virtues.

Or in fact, it sounds like you have reached a semblance of happiness by leading a Meaningful Life. That is, pursuing a life with purpose (e.g your contribution to community) which some philosophers would argue the most sustainable form of happiness.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.".

You don’t have to believe in God, I don’t, but this is how I get by. I don’t read or watch news anymore, because there’s nothing I can change. I focus on my community, I volunteer, I donate to charity, and I spend time with friends having fun. I know that I live in a privileged society, and I might as well make the most of it.

Despite the atrocities in the world I still have my faith so my answer would be to pray for all those affected by the issues you describe. When I pray I hand my worries to God & somehow I feel comforted in the knowledge there is something spiritual and far greater than humanity's inhumanity & all the issues you describe.

At least you are reflecting on the human condition, and realising that it is unrealistic to expect everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy all the time. That wouldn't be experiencing life to the full anyway, we learn more about how to live our lives from difficult challenges than we would if were entirely unreflective and enjoying constant pleasure. It's how you learn about yourself, even when you don't want to. It's more intelligent than giving into the temptation to look away and bury your head in the sand. These are the sort of thoughts that have filled the lives of great thinkers and writers, and preoccupy people who have a faith. It might be that you find yourself wanting to explore these thoughts from a perspective that might provide some kind of philosophical or moral framework, it might make you feel less helpless. There's a whole world of books, courses and material out there!

You aren’t obliged to be happy. Sounds like you’re unhappy and unwilling to change so I guess this is your life for the foreseeable.

So what you going to do about it OP?

What do you actually do?

To answer your initial question, OP, because life is precious and uncertain and should be enjoyed while we have the chance because we don't know what's around the corner.

We recently lost my father to cancer (AML). Two years between his diagnosis and his eventual death, filled with chemo, hospital treatment, repeated infections, bouts of internal bleeding and plenty of awful, awful moments. And yet amongst that, we had times of joy and happiness. Our mantra was 'let's hope today is a good day' because, let's face it, there wasn't anything else we could really cling to.

I am grieving his loss, but I also have two young children who deserve to have a life full of fun and happiness and I will do my damnedest to give it to them and to enjoy every moment with them. Neither will I take my continuing good health or their good health for granted - there was a story in the paper just yesterday of a little girl of just 9 who passed away from the same disease as my dad. My heart is just breaking for her family, but I hope they'll take some comfort from the wonderful life and huge amount of love she had with them.

There is enough real suffering without torturing ourselves unproductively. Yes, have love and compassion for those who need it and try to channel that in some productive ways that make a difference, but ultimately there is nothing wrong about appreciating and cherishing the blessings we have been given.