To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

OP, so many posters seem to think that the second your child becomes 18, they turn into an adult who is totally different to a child. In reality, a lot are still very young for their age and still enjoy the company of children. Some teens also don't spend every second glued to their phones, especially if encouraged by the parents not to.

My DD has never been the sort who turned her nose up at younger ones, and has friends still from primary who were in the year below her.

Your DS should have gone out and asked to join in, or set up a game etc, and he could have been playing with them/overseeing them for the adults. My DD is 18 and was "playing" with my cousin's kids aged 10 and 7 at the weekend to keep them occupied.

I'm with everyone else on this. I have cousins on one side who are 10/11 years older than me. At family gatherings when I was about 10 and they were your sons ahe they were very much with the "adults" . The idea that I would have asked them to play is laughable and if they had it would have been very much in a leader scenario

If your child does have social anxiety, that isn't on his younger cousins to facilitate. At his age, its good for him to learn to be with older adults and converse with them. Though if it's relatives he knows well I can't see the problem. We never had these segregated family gatherings where you only spoke to those the same age!

Very odd question

Do you not have friends with sons of thr same age, or any current experience with young adults?

Trying to understand how you are so out of touch with the "norm" here.

Your son is an adult. You are infantilising him and it is very damaging to him.

Who has been bankrolling him for the last 11mths that he's not been in education or working?

Expect that he's living at home and you're still giving him pocket money.

What's the plan long term though? And for after you're gone?

If his social anxiety is so bad that he cannot speak yo any other adult then why haven't you spent the last year fixing it?

If he's not been on benefits for the last year then he'a missed out on a year towards his pension.

I would syrongly suspect that this is you holding him back here, and you really need to address (truthfully) if that is the case.

I'd argue this was neglectful.

Agreed - even expecting 11 -13yos to interact with a 19yo is perverse. I don't care they they're cousins. I don't care if they apparently played together 12 months ago. Your ds is an adult, and at worst could have scrolled on their phone to kill time, gone for a walk, etc. You as the parent need to reassess your expectations on young people.

He’s 19!!! Why on earth would he want to play with 11-13 year olds? If he feels rejected I’d say that says something about him not them! He’s an adult and could have been chatting with you… his parent!

If he was the fun big cousin you'd normally expect them to pick up a ball etc etc and take the lead joining in, and that wouldn't be odd.

What is odd is expecting the children here to take the lead and invite - essentially - an adult to play with them.

You would serve your 19 year old better to help them learn how to engage in normal social situations.

I agree - it's the adults not the children who should have made sure he was included.

I'm a much older adult and I still enjoy playing hide and seek with the kids rather than sitting at the adult table 😂.

But I think the difference is very much that when you're an adult, the onus is on you to read the situation as to when the children want to play with you and when they just want to be left alone to get on with stuff. Sometimes kids welcome interaction from adults, sometimes they just want to play by themselves. And I think most 11 and 13yos wouldn't want adults playing with them!

19 year olds don’t ‘play’. He might be closer in age but there’s a MASSIVE difference between 11 and 19 years old.

If they were playing football/ similar he could have tried to join in but I wouldn’t expect 19 year olds to want to hang around with 11-13 year olds or the 11-13 year olds to want to hang around with the 19 year old.

I'm imagining I’m a fairly typical 19 year old at a family party. There aren’t any other older teenagers or young adults there but there is a bunch of younger kids.
So who do I chat to?
I am a bit awkward with chat as are many young adults, so it’s probably mostly with my parents’ friends and our close relatives.
I’m probably bored out of my skull after a while. I might consider bestowing my presence on the younger kids for a bit. But I would not be particularly interested in them and nor would I be at all surprised at not being invited to join them.
I probably did have some self esteem issues at that age, many young people do. Lack of interest from much younger children would not have been on my radar.
This lad seems very young for his age.
.

Your complacency is life has enabled a disadvantaged life for your son. He became an adult when he turned 18. He's not -almost- an adult, he -is- an adult! You need to cut the apron strings because you're not doing him any favours!

This is utterly bizarre. For goodness sake get off your backside and get both of you assessed! It might be nothing to do with ND, and even if you are...it still doesn't explain this bizarre behaviour. It's no wonder he doesn't have a job. You're enabling his self-pitying. Both of you sound precious.

I’m sorry OP but this is very very odd. A 19yo should not feel left out because an 11 year old - very much still a child - hasn’t invited him to come and play. Not saying they can’t interact / but it would be extremely odd for an 11yo to be taking the lead in interacting with a 19yo. I think you need to really need to find ways to increase his social confidence.
And if there’s anyone to be upset with about your 19yo being left alone at a family party, it’s other adult family members who could have added him to a conversation - not a child! (Although ultimately at 19 he should be able to take responsibility in socialising with family himself).

YABU for expecting the 11yo to manage this social situation in a way that would make your son happy. That's a big ask for a child.

I know lots of older teenage boys who do enjoy horsing around with younger children (and the younger children love it to) but the dynamic is different and usually you end up peeling the younger children off the long-suffering older boy who has had enough by that stage.

I agree 19yo is still young and normally young people that age flit between the children and adults depending on what's going on, but it's always going to be awkward for them if they're the only one in that age group at a party with children and older adults. I find it's best to get them helping with something - serving food and drinks etc. - if things are a bit awkward.

I would definitely investigate ND with your son. Mathematically I understand that he is closer in age to your nephew and his friends, but it sounds like he struggled to mix/talk/interact with anyone. Even though they are older, most adults can hold a conversation with other adults, regardless of age - they just taper the conversation appropriately. It doesn't sound like DS could do that. Nor could he go over and talk to the younger ones, and just join in without an invitation. This does sound like ND to me. DS14 can be socially awkward at times, but at family gatherings he will talk to older family members about anything (usually school, football etc) and he'll go join his younger cousins playing in the garden or playing computer games. He won't be the life and soul of the party, but he can and will interact. From your posts, its possible that you are both ND, perhaps looking into this would be a good place to start.

When I was 19 and visited my much younger cousins I would lead in a game like an adult, not a peer, for some time and then join the adults, drink a beer and participate in the conversation. Sitting in a corner waiting for my 8 year old cousins to come and "ask me to play" is just so weird. And i say this as someone who is reserved. I was more like a cool auntie.

You're disappointed that your 19-year old son wasn't invited to play by his 11-year old cousin? This has to be a joke but if it's not, you need to give your head a wobble, OP. How embarrassing for you both. Your son is an adult and it's time for him to sit at the adult table, instead of playing hide-and-seek with a bunch of primary schoolers.

At the age of 19, it’s quite unusual for a 19 year old to want to ‘play’ with anyone, let alone with pre teen children, which is why I think people are wondering about neuro diversity, especially as you aren’t picking up on that either, and you describe yourself as having similar problems at his age.

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you don’t seem to understand that at the age of 19, very few people feel comfortable talking to people they don’t know. But that’s how you develop social skills. You swallow it and you put yourself out there. Instead of blaming an 11yr old for failing to take responsibility for entertaining an adult cousin, perhaps you could help matters by wondering around the party with him, talking to people and bringing him into the conversation? Just so he starts getting some practice at basic social skills. Because no 19 yr olds are going to come knocking on your front door, introduce themselves and ask if he fancies coming out for a game of football down the park. If he wants friends, he has to ignore the feelings of awkwardness and discomfort and get out there. He talks to some random friends of his grandparents today. Tomorrow he joins a karate class (which is nothing about fighting and everything about developing confidence) or gets a job in a bar. If you don’t have that in built confidence then you have to learn it.

I know it’s harder for some rather than others, but you can’t sit in a corner, refusing to step outside of your comfort zone, then complain that people aren’t flocking to be your friend.

This is just bizarre. Your disappointment is misplaced with your nephew. Your son is a grown MAN. What kid is gonna think..Oh hang on till I go in and ask my man cousin to come out and "play" with us.
The fact your son felt rejected and excluded is very sad and more than likely down to you. How you have let him get to this age, have seen his struggles and done nothing about it is just awful.

Why would you not have looked into it, surely its a parents responsibility to ensure their DC have access to help they may need and understand why they may struggle with things. My 18 and 19 yo are both ND and we have given them the tools to ensure they have the best opportunity possible to be able to mix, work etc.

Like others, I started reading and assumed the 19 was a typo and you meant 9, until you went on to say that he was an adult.

Unless there are significant additional needs issues - which presumably there aren't or you would have mentioned them - this is truly bizarre.

If that had been my DS I would have expected him to make polite conversation with the other adults. If he'd wanted to start a game of football or something with younger cousins then fair enough, but in no way would I expect children to try to entertain a 19 year old.

OP there are lots of people voting on this thread and over 99% are of the view that you are being unreasonable. You need to take note of that.

You are being unreasonable(thats the politest term i can use for this ridiculousness) to expect a child of 11 yrs to make an effort to include an adult in their games.
Tbh i suspect you are trolling.....

Yes that comment is very telling about how op views him. Like a child who can’t stay home alone.
It’s nice he wanted to go to the party but not all teens could eg may be away at uni or working.

I don't think it's weird that a 19 year old still wants to play. My 17 year old absolutely still plays. He'd want to kick a ball about with younger cousins, for sure, especially at an event where the alternative is listening to what happened to someone he doesn't know's next door neighbour's daughter's husband when he went in for his eye operation.

But the onus would very much be on the older teen to go and try and co-ordinate some fun that's appropriate for someone his age, and theirs.

The idea that an 11-year old is expected to invite a 19-year old to play, is weird.

This with bells on!

My 19-year-old was at university partying at that age. Not a chance in hell he would’ve wanted to hang out with children at any event.