To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

He’s an adult now, it’s up to him to look into an assessment for any potential neurodiversity. How does he feel about it?

A diagnosis isn't really the issue here though, plenty of people with various sorts of ND with and without a diagnosis. What you need to start prioritising is some therapy. It is really, really odd for a grown man to talk and behave like this. Of course plenty of adults enjoy time with children and of course a 19 year old is closer in age to a child than a pensioner... but the fact that he's clinging on to childhood like this and you are enabling and supporting him to do so is really disturbing.

I think you need to prioritise some therapy for both of you. It sounds like you have some trauma from your childhood that is adversely affecting your son and it sounds like he needs some support to work on his social skills.

This thread is confusing.
Either OPs son has profound additional needs that would meet the threshold for a specialist school when he was younger, or I just don’t understand what is happening. I can’t think of any other plausible explanation for this kind of thinking.
Even if he does have additional needs OP, it’s still inappropriate and bizarre to be expecting children to approach him to play. You need to understand this, so you can support DS in understanding this. He is a fully grown man, he mixes with other adults, not with children. You and his dad need to support him in understanding he is an adult now, him not understanding this can lead to lots of inappropriate situations.

The fact that you were comparing this situation to that of you being picked last and left out as a child is also concerning OP. They were your peers, it was entirely normal for you to be upset by left out. These are not your son’s peers.

And if, as the OP says, she struggled with friendships in her own teens, it's possible she's not capable of modelling normal social interactions for her DS. She certainly seems to think of him as far younger than he is, and not to find it in any way worthy of note that he is not working and/or studying aged 19.

That both she and her DS originally thought the 11 year old cousin was at fault for not 'including' him is probably the single most concerning bit for me. Someone has modelled 'It's other people's job to make me feel at ease, including primary-school aged children' for this 19 year old. Someone has told him he's still a child at 19.

A 9/11 year old and a 19 year old are worlds apart, once you become an adult and have done the milestones, age gaps don’t mean so much.
I’m early 40’s and have really good friends in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, we have loads in common as all have kids, jobs, houses, similar jobs etc.
A 19 year old wouldn’t have that much in common with younger children.
When I was his age I used to hang out with the adults not the younger children.

Exactly. I hadn't seen your post before I typed mine.

He said he prefers children because they are easier to talk to because they are more inquisitive and less judgy
Thats pretty much what Michael Jackson said. 😒 In the nicest possible way your son needs some help.

I've just watched the documentary but I'm getting the whole Michael Jackson vibes of a grown man preferring the company of children. Even worse the OP seems to be defending and facilitating this point of view as well.

I'm sorry but unless your son has learning difficulties then this is just odd! He's a grown man!
My DS is 15 and would happily sit with adult family members to chat/eat. He's very good and will play with his little brother (7) and my nephew (12) but in more of an 'adult/grown up' role and is generally happier being left in peace 🤣

You would think, but if the DS was treated as a child and never encouraged to mix with adults this has probably shaped a lot of his behaviour.

That's true, but developing into a man who wants to interact with other adults is surely the natural order of things. To want to continue to frolic around with children is very odd as far as I'm concerned.

DH mostly agrees with you guys but I said he should have helped him interact with the older people if he feels that way.

Your entire family is failing your son. I'm sorry, but 19 year olds should be looking to make their own way in the world, getting ready to move out, have relationships, friendships, jobs, lots of adult social interaction. This is normal. Not hand-holding by parents or being "helped to interact" with other adults. For you to just accept that your son is going to become this sort of adult overnight with him and you taking "baby steps" is really really sad. What sort of future is he and are you and your DH envisioning?

But can you not see how it’s odd for an adult man to say he prefers hanging out with children? Nothing wrong with men liking children but he’s talking about them like they are his peers.

He doesn’t want to be judged but if he said that to someone outside the house, what do you think the reaction would be? I hate to say this but he risks getting into a lot of trouble.

Why are you so reluctant for him to grow up. Many men his age are out drinking, dating and are living their lives. You haven’t done him any favours

I really don't know where to begin with this. Your son is 19. Surely you can see there's something quite concerning that he sees children as his peers and prefers their company. He's a grown man about to enter into his 20s. Surely you can see how it looks to have a young man prefer the company of children compared to adults and people his own age.

And this isn't just on your DH. It's on both of you and this should have happened YEARS ago. Do you and your DH have any friends? How is the situation at home? I'm just wondering how it has come about that a 19 year old has absolutely no skills in talking to adults and requires to be in the company of people much younger than him.

A 19 year old man saying he prefers to be around children is really fucking weird. Sorry but it is and nobody will ever change my mind. I’d say the same if it was a 19 year old woman too. No 19 year old I’ve ever met in my life would ever ever say that. They’d want to be drinking and chatting with the adults not bloody playing with primary school kids.

you’ve not set up your son for adulthood very well. He sounds like he’s a child himself and I’d really be looking into why a MAN is speaking like this and getting upset like this. It sounds like he’s developmentally behind. I have social anxiety as well as autism and ADHD and I still wouldn’t be saying I wanted to “play” with children. It’s just weird and I don’t think this is real.

Its not on your DH, you both should have been preparing your DS for adulthood years ago surely?

They dont but I would expect the transition from child to adult to evolve from 12/13 really, if you dont prepare them for adilthood then of course its not an overnight transition. Presumably your DD did not sit feeling left out, waiting for the kids to ask her to 'play'.

To not have this expectation of your children is actually very unfair and sets them up to fail socially. My 19 yo has friends of 17/18 up to mid 40s. None of them 'play', they may hang out at the beach, go for drives, go to the pub, play sport.

It sounds like that ship has sailed. The time to learn this has passed and it’s already affecting his life. The OP’s anxieties have transferred to him to the extent he seems primary school children as his peers.

There is nothing wrong with being bored at a family do - as a grown adult he shouldn’t be relying on children to help his self esteem

Most 19 year olds I know would be getting pissed not wanting to play tag with the kids and I mean that in the nicest way possible

This has to be a joke. There’s no way it’s real 🤣🤭

Watching this for when OP comes back and explains herself. Cos what are you on about OP? 😂😂😂

I think a lot of parents see growing up and acquiring adults skills as a passive thing. My parents did, they were very insular in my teenage years and I think that they realised far too late that I had such poor social skills because we so rarely socialised with their peers.