To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

This! I’m very confused by this thread. He’s a grown man FFS!

Do something then.

@BoldMaker73 It gets more odd with every update.

Your DS’s description of children vs adults is not what I recognise. Children can be very self-centred and are rarely inquisitive about someone else, not compared to well-socialised adults anyway. They haven’t learned social cues yet like asking about someone’s day, views etc.

Children can also be extremely judgemental, as again, they haven’t learned to bite their tongue. My children were more than happy to tell me they didn’t like my new dress or haircut etc when they were younger.

Also, why was it down to your DH to help him interact with the adults? Why couldn’t you?

And finally, yes it can take years to get a NHS diagnosis, that’s why you start the process when they are children first having difficulties. As he is now an adult, he needs to look into this himself and getting a private diagnosis quickly should be a priority.

When I was a kid, if an older cousin decided to engage with us (the younger ones) we'd have been in heaven! I'm sure they'd have loved if he popped out to play with them.
On a different note, by the time I was 19, I'd have much preferred to be inside, listening to adult chat rather than involved in games. I definitely think there's some neurodivergence there and some self-esteem issues if he felt the need to be asked to join in the games.

He's not technically an adult, he is an adult and it would be a bit odd for him to play with the kids all afternoon, apart from a half hour to show willing the majority of 19 year olds would rather watch paint dry 🤷‍♀️

Which is why it’s not a sudden transition!

He thinks he is a peer of an 11 yo - for all he thinks they aren’t judgy, most of them will find this uncomfortable and won’t be shy about saying it.

I can’t believe OP can’t see the potential safeguarding issue

First of all, fair play to you for coming back to the thread after so much criticism.

I second that.

No fun receiving a pile on and hoping feedback received though hard to hear, had also been helpful OP.

It’s clear you love your son and want the best for him which sometimes after giving him roots is letting him have wings.

Get him to join a autistic meet up for adults, he sounds ND from what youve said.

I get this up to a point. On leaving education at aged 21 I found that I really didn't like being at things where I was the only one my age. As an adult living at home I struggled to relate to older adults and this didn't really improve until I moved out myself. I do get why he didn't gravitate to the 50 year olds.

That said it sounds like he desperately needs an appropriate peer group. It's really hard to develop a proper sense of self without it.

Is your DS special needs OP?

Yes, I’d like the OP to address why she holds an 11 year old to a higher standard in terms of social skills than she does her son. Why would it be the 11 year old’s responsibility to include him?

Even if this is ok (and it’s still a bit strange to me), you haven’t addressed the fact you think an 11 year old should be responsible for your son’s mental and emotional welfare, which is the most bizarre o of this scenario.

YABU for dragging your ND son along to a social occasion where he's obviously going to struggle and expecting children to look after him for you.

Transitions are really difficult for autistic people so I can understand why he and you are still thinking of him as a kid, but that's not how the rest of the world perceives a 19 year old. You do need to start pursuing a diagnosis as it will make getting support for him substantially easier.

Maybe encourage him to do level 1 safeguarding training there’s usually free online courses.
It’s important to behave appropriately and protect yourself. Do you talk about stuff like this eg when news is on.
My dd is his age and has volunteered as a young leader in guiding and spent 3 months living with girls in a cabin at Camp America . But there were very clear boundaries and expectations. They weren’t her friends. It’s very concerning he doesn’t understand the difference.

I don’t know any 19 year olds that would want to ‘play’. That’s ridiculous. My son is only a couple of years older, he’d chat with us or any of the adults, or he’d get anyone who wanted to play cricket or rounders.

It sounds a bit like a failure to launch. You and he both still view him as a child, he's 19, he's an adult, could get married, buy a house, a car, be at uni, have a job, travel the world, be entirely independant of you but the fact is he's not mentally progressed past childhood because his life doesn't reflect those adult stages. The birthday party is a harsh reminder of the difference between his reality and the way the rest of the world sees him. He's going to need to get more comfortable around adults soon, there is quite a strong dividing line in most of society between kids and adults, and unlike when you're at school it doesn't really matter if you have 20 or 40 years difference between you in the workplace or a social setting, you just get on with it. Does he have any career aspirations you can be supporting him towards to get him started in his adult life?

Yes I didn’t understand why the OP was so supportive of her son’s feelings, to the point of blaming the children.

As the Op is a nursery teacher, surely the attitude of her and her son is a safeguard concern

I agree except as a grown man he should be capable of making GP appointments and attending them on his own

And surely if the reason he says things like this is because he is ND, then that would have been picked up long ago.

Unfortunately OP has set up him up for some unsavoury accusations in the future

To be completely honest OP you need to nip this in the bud now...it's weird he prefers the company of kids and makes him seem like a creep im just being honest. So tell him straight no you don't depend on the kids at family gatherings to entertain you mingle with the adults

i don’t understand why is it only DH problem?
why couldn’t you help him to interact with adults at a party?
Or teach him how to interact with people you don’t know in a party or different social setting?

It's yucky that the OP was blaming these wee kids for not wanting to play with a fully grown man.

I'm also intrigued about the emotional maturity of the OPs son as well. Yes it's sad he doesn't have friends but from reading the posts it's hard not to see why. It isn't for his much younger cousins (or indeed any cousins) to fill this gap for him or to be held accountable for him feeling rejected or left out.

Did you do anything to encourage him to make friends he was younger? Do you and your DH socialise? This whole thing is just completely bizarre!

I have a relative that works with young people with EHCPs after they have left school and go onto further education.

We are talking about 16 to 24 years olds. She says that safeguarding does happen in order
to ensure vulnerable teenagers are not inappropriately exposed to the adult students.

OP, if your DS does have an undiagnosed condition, it is your duty to safeguard him. If he is a vulnerable adult not being diagnosed and not understanding that 11 year old are not his peers could get him into trouble.

The first step to safeguarding him is to make a GP appointment, you will be able to attend also with his consent.

Let's stop dancing around the obvious: an nineteen-year-old will have gone through puberty a long time ago. How the hell is he looking at eleven-year-olds - who probably don't even need to shave yet, and whose voices probably haven't broken - and seeing them as peers?

I agree with the posters who say the kids might have picked up strange vibes from him last year and that's why they didn't ask him to "play" this time.

At 19 DS already had 3 years of working part-time under his belt whilst studying at college and uni.

@BoldMaker73 when will you expect your DS to get a job? Maybe looking at help for him, whether that includes a diagnosis is the way forward. What does he do other than volunteering with his time?