To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

Just to clarify, although my ND brother loves playing with children, he still knows that he’s the adult, that he needs to model good behaviour and will try to resolve any conflict between the kids, as I’m sure the OP does working in a nursery. He would never blame an 11 year old child for leaving him out!

I really think op's son is getting a rough ride here. As I've said before of course it's weird op blames an 11 yo for not including him, so her original post was unreasonable, and it sounds like ds has some confidence issues (although doing volunteering, as he is, is exactly the kind of thing that usually gets suggested to build confidence and step towards a job, so I'm not sure why everyone thinks they are doing nothing about it).

However, are people really surprised at a 19yo not having much in common with the adults at an 80th birthday? I work with, and have, teenagers, and think loads of 19 year old would struggle to talk to the guests outside their immediate family. Especially as he presumably doesn't know most of them (and it sounds like the close family guests were busy hosting the other guests). And they will probably all ask him about things he'd rather not explain to strangers like if he's at uni as that's what adults do for small talk with teens. It's not like the choice on offer was friends his own age or small children. On a different thread people would probably be saying it was weird if a 19yo wanted to hang out with elderly people he doesn't know! It's also not like he's saying he'd rather hang out with random children he doesn't know. This is a cousin he's built family bonds with. I don't think that in itself is a red flag. I didn't think it at all off that some of the cousins in their 20s were playing card games and football with the children at the last family gathering I went to and seemed to be enjoying it.

As I said before , the idea that my 16yo daughter would suddenly switch to not wanting to play with her younger cousins in 2 years time seeks unlikely, and I think if they suddenly wanted nothing to do with her she'd likely feel awkward because she'd have lost her 'role' at family events as the child entertainer. We wouldn't blame anyone, but with no one close to her age she'd probably feel a spare part.

@BoldMaker73 why on earth would a 19 year old want to play with smaller children. You are doing your son absolutely no favours in preparing him for life. It blows my mind my mind that you think he is hard done by and that he needs to join in with the children’s game. Why are you not encouraging him to be a grown up ?

That's all good but I think for your son's sake it would be good if you did some further introspection in order to find out why you are treating your adult son like a small child. Because that's how he sees himself and it will do him no good in navigating the world.

I would recommend that you see a therapist to find out why you do not want him to grow up. And I'm not trying to be nasty, I think you are unaware about this and in order to let him be the man he is you would need to find out what it is in you that keeps holding him back.

I said I earlier and I say it again now, you need to encourage your son to get a job, even if it not in his field of study. By your posts he hasn't worked in nearly a year. That's not healthy or normal. That fact that it doesn't seem to bother you is concerning as you seem to be content at keeping him as a child. Let him try to work to gain age appropriate friends. You've babied him for far too long.

I think what could have worked is to encourage DS to go with you into the garden. It’s likely when the kids saw your DS, they would have asked him to play, if they usually do.

I suspect with your DS being with the adults inside the house, he was out of sight and out of mind for the kids.

That’s what we would do with one of the cousins who was high functioning ND. He would be shy to approach anyone but when accompanied he would come out of his shell.

There are so many aspects of this post, which are just wrong OP. I can’t believe what I’ve read ( and re read!)

Why didn’t you and DH, support your son with engaging in adult conversation
with the adults at the party. Instead, you were both sitting there, annoyed with the children because they didn’t invite a grown man to play! I don’t get it.

spoke to DS about this over lunch and he said he is now over it

This is really not normal - there should never have been anything to get over in the first place. And the fact that both you and your son thought there was is extremely worrying. You and your DH really need to pull out all stops to get your son the support he clearly needs to become a functioning adult.

It's rare but not unknown- there was an 11 year old in my son's class a few years back who you would have sworn was a 16 year old. Voice broken, facial hair, build of a grown man (in fact taller and broader shoulders than his dad - very tall mum). And sometimes some of the kids on opposing sports teams are the same - I can be suspicious they are playing in the wrong age group but they are not supposed to be allowed to!

You said he feels more comfortable around children - as if he is their peer, surely that’s a red flag, regardless of being cousins. Kindly I think you need to revisit your training.

He is a grown ass man who shouldn’t be whining o his mummy that children half his age left him out and he was upset.

@BoldMaker73 Statistically it’s actually more of a concern with relatives/close friends of family versus strangers. If you work with safeguarding you should know this. Part of keeping your DS safe is being aware of this and not encouraging them into situations where there may be potential (even unfounded) ‘misunderstandings’. That may be viewed as sad but safest all round.

Okay, I meant "almost certainly" rather than "probably" 😁Occasionally, boys' voices do start to break very early.

20 pages and you think no one's asked this yet?

eleven-year-olds - who probably don't even need to shave yet, and whose voices probably haven't broken

What's with the "probablys"?

Have you ever met an eleven year old boy?

And if he can’t cope with being on his own at home.and can’t cope with socialising with other adults and needs to play with the little kids, then you can’t go out to these events. You are opening him up to all kinds of accusations.

Really worrying from a nursery teacher

The whole thing is completely mad. One of the most insane things I've read on here (and as pointed out, that's saying something).

I really just can't get over the idea of a 19 year old, looking longingly at a bunch of 10-13 year olds and being upset at not being asked to play. Or the idea of a 19 year old going up to a group of pre-teens and asking to play with them. The whole thing is completely ludicrous.

At 19, I'd have been tanning the free booze on offer with the other adults whatever their age. I wouldn't have been glued to my mum the whole night like a sad limpet upset at not being asked to play hide and seek.

Just stop telling your 19 year old that he should join in “playing” (to use your own very strange phrase) with a group of pre teens, op.
You sound really weird.

I really hope this is made up. But I don’t think it is.

ND doesn’t explain why he wants to play with primary age children.

I do hope you come back OP and clarify what the safeguarding situation would be if one of your colleagues said they liked to play with children as if they were their peers.

I have just seen this bit

I shouldn’t have expected my DN to accommodate DS and I’ll tell him that DS should have just asked to join in.

So you said something to the DN? Omg 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

At 19 I would have chatted with adults rather than 11 year olds at a party. And probably been hungover from going out with other 19yo adults the night before. Please don't hold this against the 11yo.
Your son does sound like he could be neuro-diverse from what you've said, I hope he figures out how to be happy in life.

But it seems you expect your 11yo nephew to act much older than his age and be mindful of what his 19yo cousin is doing and whether he needs to be included? That’s very unfair on your nephew.

To everyone else, maybe you’re right, I shouldn’t have expected my DN to accommodate DS and I’ll tell him that DS should have just asked to join in. DN included DS last year as I mentioned

I don’t think there should be a ‘maybe’ here. You’re still placing too much responsibility on an 11yo.

What is it about your 11yo nephew that makes you think he can handle the pressure of being expected to socialise his 19yo cousin? Is he particularly confident?

I'm just reading this thread and picking up on this point now?

What do you mean "what would he do at home?" Has he not been left at home before? I lived at home when I was 19, but I pretty much existed on a different orbit from my parents, we were like ships in the night. They most like parents with kids that age, didn't really give two thoughts to what I was doing at home. I was regularly at home on my own too for weeks at a time when they were on holiday at 19.

It just seems you've completely transferred your anxiety on to him. Its concerning how much he still needs you to hold his hand at this age. It's your job as a parent to prepare them to be an independent adult, there's something gone desperately wrong if you're 19 year old is feeling rejected by an 11 year old not wanting to play with them.

The longer you umm and arr about the possibility of neurodivergence, the longer you kick the can down the road and possibly make the situation harder for him. Get his name on the waiting list today, what have you got to lose? You can do it on an online form with my GP surgery, takes minutes.

If you know the waiting time is long, why wouldn’t you get his name on the list asap?

You say you have wondered about this for a long time. If you had put his name on the waiting list 2/3 years ago you might be getting assessment for him now. But instead you have burried your head in the sand.