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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

567 replies

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 22:58

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 04/05/2026 23:18

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:12

@SnappyQuoter He couldn’t interact with his grandparents very much because they were all mixing with family friends who he doesn’t know very well.

It’s an important skill to be able to talk to strangers and strike up conversation. With him by your side you could have shown him how this is done…introduced him and shown him how you circulate at a ‘do’

I think the young ones are a red herring …at 19 he needs these life skills

MrsAvocet · 04/05/2026 23:18

Sorry, but yes, you are being unreasonable on a couple of levels.
I imagine it was pretty boring for a lone young adult in that company but I would have expected most people of that age to either be able to entertain themselves or make polite conversation with their adult relatives for a few hours. I don't think it's common for young adults to want to play with children or vice versa.
But where I think you are being really unreasonable is placing the onus for including your son on the actual child in this scenario. If your son was bored and thought that spending time with the younger kids was more fun then I would have expected him to initiate that, say by suggesting a game or organising something for them. Were the ages the other way round and a group of late teenage cousins had failed to include your lone 11 year old I'd have had some sympathy with you and would have said the young adults should have made a bit of effort to look after their younger cousin for at least part of the time, but in this case your son is the adult and I really don't think you can blame a much younger cousin for failing to entertain him.

InterestedDad37 · 04/05/2026 23:16

I know at the age of 19 I would've either been inside chatting with 'the ancients' and learning from their experience of the world, or I'd have been outside organising games for the littl'uns. But I wouldn't have expected them to include me.

Original poster
BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:16

As I’ve said to people, I know 19 is technically an adult just about but he’s not exactly 50 so I don’t know how you expect him to be a mature established adult at this age? He’s much closer in age to his cousin than to any other adult today.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 04/05/2026 23:16

Anyone reminded of the rock the boat scene in Derry Girls?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/05/2026 23:16

The age gap is too wide, although I’m sure if he had of joined them there would be no issue.

SnappyQuoter · 04/05/2026 23:15

Do you realise that your son is an adult @BoldMaker73?
When he said he felt rejected by children, did you tell him to grow up and give his head a wobble and talk to the adults in the room?

Hadenough32 · 04/05/2026 23:15

Yeah you and your son are very strange. 19yo should not want to be playing with kids he's old enough to babysit. Did he really say he felt excluded? Very weird for his age.

ParadiseIsNoBunker · 04/05/2026 23:14

This is up there with the most bonkers thread I’ve read on here.

Worrying that being ‘rejected’ by an 11 year old will result in a 19 year old having self esteem issues is madness OP.

Stop babying your ADULT son.

SnappyQuoter · 04/05/2026 23:14

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:12

@SnappyQuoter He couldn’t interact with his grandparents very much because they were all mixing with family friends who he doesn’t know very well.

We’ve all been young adults at family parties for our older relatives with their friends mingling around. You make small talk. If he can’t do that then you’ve made a mistake in your parenting, unless he has learning difficulties.

But I’m leaning towards poor parenting because of his reaction here.

McSpoot · 04/05/2026 23:14

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:12

@SnappyQuoter He couldn’t interact with his grandparents very much because they were all mixing with family friends who he doesn’t know very well.

Then he needs to learn to talk to people he doesn’t know well. It’s what adults do in many social situations.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 04/05/2026 23:13

What 19 year old wants to be with 11-13 year olds? How odd you feel he should? He’s an adult so maybe he can actually talk to adults?

PoppinjayPolly · 04/05/2026 23:12

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:04

@Neolara They played together last year at pretty much this same event but for my brother’s birthday.

@Favouritefruits He said he felt rejected when I asked him. I don’t want it affecting his self esteem.

So does he often expect others to do what he wants?

Original poster
BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:12

@SnappyQuoter He couldn’t interact with his grandparents very much because they were all mixing with family friends who he doesn’t know very well.

OP posts:
SnappyQuoter · 04/05/2026 23:12

HoiityToity · 04/05/2026 23:10

He feels rejected because he was rejected. Grown ups can’t play out with primary school children, it’s not appropriate. They can do things like play games where there is some structure. Blaming a child for an adult being alone at a party is strange.
,

He wasn’t rejected. Rejected is a very loaded word and very much the wrong word to use in this situation. Those kids did not reject him. They just didn’t invite an adult to play with them.

Rooroobear · 04/05/2026 23:12

Of all the bat shit crazy things. Are you serious? 19??? I thought for sure it was a typo. Just when I think it can’t get crazier you reply and say you don’t want it to affect his self esteem! This has to be a wind up! If not stop babying your adult son

chocolateaddictions · 04/05/2026 23:12

My DS is 16 and is sometimes in this situation as we have a big family with relatives of all ages.

If stuck at a family party with younger ones he would have organised a game of football or cricket and got them all playing it. Or something similar.

If surrounded by older adults he loves talking to his uncles and other older male relatives, he’s interested in people’s jobs and is curious about their lives.

He’s very outgoing and maybe your DS is shy but really he’s 19, you can’t possibly expect an 11 year old to manage his feelings!

I thought this post was going to be about the 11 year old cousin leaving out a 6 year old or something. Which is a MUCH more understandable scenario and would normally warrant the 11 year old being gently reminded / coerced into not leaving his younger cousin out. But not a 19yo.

Unless you are going to drip feed about some SEN… but even in that case YABU

Whoops75 · 04/05/2026 23:12

You’re being ridiculous OP
If rejected by 12 year olds I would definitely seek help for his self esteem.

RedRock41 · 04/05/2026 23:11

OP you’re finding fault where there is none. Some 19 year olds are off defending the country. His 11 year old cousin was and is not responsible for including him or not. By indulging and over thinking this nonsense you aren’t teaching your adult son resilience, and are projecting how you felt in PE among same age peers. If you want to feel annoyed with anyone, be annoyed at the adults including his father and grandparents for not making more of an effort. If he really wanted to hang with his cousin, being 8 years older and an adult - the onus was on him to go kick about the ball or dander outside, he should know that or you could easily have gone out with him to break the ice if he has anxiety… if you didn’t notice he felt rejected, that’s on you I’m afraid.

HoiityToity · 04/05/2026 23:10

He feels rejected because he was rejected. Grown ups can’t play out with primary school children, it’s not appropriate. They can do things like play games where there is some structure. Blaming a child for an adult being alone at a party is strange.
,

Tryagain26 · 04/05/2026 23:10

Does your son have learning difficulties ? That is the only thing that would make the OP make sense

SnappyQuoter · 04/05/2026 23:09

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:04

@Neolara They played together last year at pretty much this same event but for my brother’s birthday.

@Favouritefruits He said he felt rejected when I asked him. I don’t want it affecting his self esteem.

Oh god. This explains it. The fact that you are worrying that an 11 year old not playing with your 19 year old adult male son will “leave him with low self esteem” really gives an insight into your parenting, and maybe explains your sons very odd reaction.

DogCollector · 04/05/2026 23:08

You’ve come here to tell us about a man wanting to play with children? 🧐

Creepy.

Darrara · 04/05/2026 23:08

BoldMaker73 · 04/05/2026 23:04

@Neolara They played together last year at pretty much this same event but for my brother’s birthday.

@Favouritefruits He said he felt rejected when I asked him. I don’t want it affecting his self esteem.

If a 19 year old’s self-esteem is affected by an 11 and a 13 year old not wanting to play with him at a family party, you have much bigger issues than a few hours of boredom…

This is silly, OP. If he was desperate to play with them, it was up to him to go out and join in a kick around. It’s not up to an 11 and 13 year old to be considering the self-esteem of an adult!

SnappyQuoter · 04/05/2026 23:08

Is he generally a bit odd? Because a 19 year old man using the word “rejected” because an 11 year old didn’t invite him to play isn’t normal. That’s very very weird.

At that age, he should be making small talk with adult family members or he could organise a game/entertain the younger ones if they wanted to, but he’d have to initiate that.

It’s just really odd that he has said what he said. I’d be concerned about my sons if they came out with that sort of comment about a bunch of kids. He is an adult man.