To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

I think you expecting him still to want to play with children at the age of 19 is more likely to damage his self esteem, to be honest.

Start treating him like an adult and involve him in adult conversation so he can be more comfortable with other grown ups.

Must be a wind up. How ridiculously embarrassing for you to even post this. He’s 19! An adult. A grown up man.

Then the onus really should have been on YOU to include him in conversations, introduce him (and yourself) to other guests and model how to mingle and make polite conversation with less familiar people.
In my experience, most people, especially the older generation, love talking about themselves to young people!

He really needs to learn how to do this as a valuable life skill, to show an interest in others rather than mope around feeling dejected. I appreciate he may be shy and or socially anxious, but this sounds like as "safe" an environment as any to gain confidence in? Learning and practicing tjis skill really will stand him in good stead in his volunteering and future work and you, as his parent and as you relate so well to how he feels are THE most obvious and appropriate person to support him with this.
Not his grandparents and certainly NOT his 11 year old cousin.
Sorry, not what you wanted to hear. X

Sorry OP that’s just the nature of their age gap. 19 and 11-13 - come on.
if he wanted to join he could have gone himself. Expecting much younger children to sort this out for him, an ADULT, is very immature.
is he usually that passive?

Something has gone very awry with the parenting here.

19 year olds generally don’t ‘play’ with 11 and 13 year olds-they are often chatting to the adults or they haven’t come to the family gathering as the are busy with their own life!

If your son was bored and thought that spending time with the younger kids was more fun then I would have expected him to initiate that, say by suggesting a game or organising something for them

That. At his age he should be the one taking the initiative. Kids of primary school age generally love a young adult organising and playing fun games with them. It's pretty much the role of anyone from 18-25 at these multi-generational events.

It's bizarre that you think it the 11 year old's role to involve your 19 year old.

Oh dear OP

You have really over parented him and he’s very behind socially. Please step back and let him figure life out with professional help instead.

But to an 11 year old, a 19 year old is a real adult, and probably looks closer to the 50 year olds in their eyes. No way would they think to include them in a game. Your 19 year old should have been organising games for the kids or talking with the other grown ups

Did he make an effort to ‘include himself’ with the younger children or was it all on the 11 yr old to facilitate your giant baby’s feelings? Honestly time to grow up. This has to be a wind up. If not, the 11 year old did the right thing to keep his distance from your ‘child’. Social anxiety doesn’t excuse this either, at 11 they will only be beginning to understand this even exists so your son’s actions or lack of can’t be pinned on him.

When people talk about a failure to launch, this is what it is. There are so many things wrong in this scenario you have in your head OP.

Why isn’t the 19yo taking responsibility for himself? If he can’t do that yet, why haven’t you taught or shown him how?

Why is a dumbing down to an 11yo and 13yo level when there are adults in the room?

Why is he only able to socialize with his parents and grandparents?

Why are you disappointed in young boys not wanting to help an adult man “play”? Why is it ok for the 11 and 13yo to be socially adept and confident enough to approach and adult, but not the other way round?

Why aren’t you doing something about this situation which is going to become really problematic for your son very soon?

I just can’t believe this is true. Unless your son has issues, actual problems, this is a terrible way to treat him. You not wanting him to be lonely is YOUR job to fix as his parent (well it’s his because he’s an adult but he clearly hasn’t been taught how so it’s still yours). It’s not his 11/13yo cousins’ job. Do you genuinely think it is? And I note you and your DH went off and did you own thing too - but now have the nerve to shove blame and responsibility onto a couple of children!

This has got to be a joke. Your 19 year son (who is able to vote, obtain his own passport/credit card/mortgage drive a car and marry) felt rejected by a 11 year old - a child, not even a teenager.

Stop cutting up his food and tell him to 'man up'

This is the bigger issue - that he does not have a daily routine or friends. Most 19 year olds would have breezed through this as a slightly dull family obligation. This has a bigger impact on him because of what else is (or isn't) going on in his life. You said you were in a similar position as a teen. What helped you? The volunteering he is doing is a positive step. Does he need additional support in developing social skills? What reason do you think there is he doesn't have friends from school or college?

When I was 19 I didn’t mind hanging out with my cousins at a family party. Sometimes after a couple of beers I would chase them round and we would go on the trampoline ect. I don’t think a 19 year old hanging out with their cousins who are younger at a family party is weird, but I do think a 19 year old feeling rejected by a child is weird.

I think you need to focus on getting him friends and helping him become a functioning member of society and ASAP. Has he ever been assessed for ASD or a learning difficulty? I say this as someone with ASD who very much had younger interests as a teen btw I’m not trying to sound horrible.

That's very strange. I have a 19 and 21 year old; their cousins are two 10 year olds and two 12 year olds. Obviously mine have each other, but they're not always both there at family events. Last year at my parents' Golden Wedding, my then 18 year old spent the day talking to my siblings and their partners - even though they're all in their 40s, they're much more interesting to an 18/19 year old than children. It wouldn't have occurred to him to play with the kids, except if he was feeling kind. He certainly wouldn't have expected them to include him out of kindness.

Why did the go and ask if he could join in whatever they were doing?

Placing the blame and responsibility on the 11 year old is odd.

The only person you should feel disappointed in is yourself that you have failed to raise your young adult child to actually act ike a young adult. He’s upset because kids didn’t want to play with him, and you’re blaming the kids? This is the one of the most bizarre things I have read on MN and that’s saying something.

My god this has to be a wind up. I have two 19 year olds who would rather chew off their own legs than hang out with kids.

He is 19. The cousin is 11. And you’re getting upset about him feeling unwanted and lonely over an 11 year old. This is deeply weird. It’s going to sound horrible but, no wonder he doesn’t have friends. If this is where his maturity is at.

This is honestly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read on here. In what world would a 19 year old want to “play” with primary school age children?!

They weren’t leaving him out, it wouldn’t have even occurred to them that he’d want to join in. If he really did want to, he could have gone and joined them of his own accord.

I have a 19 year old myself so not out of touch with this age group.

Then help him work on building his social confidence, find hobbies that might help him build connections, not on the expectation that it’s children’s job to ‘include’ him.

Well a 30 year old is closer in age to a 10 year old than they are to a 60 year old but do they get put on the children’s table at Christmas?! What does the closeness of age matter?! It’s about adult versus child. And if he really wanted to play with them, why did he have to await the children inviting him?! Just go and join in like any Uncle Knobhead at a family gathering does.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

He made no effort… + your DH and both sets of his grandparents pretty much ignored him? Why didn’t you have a quiet word with the 5 other adults to take heed of him? To make an effort? Expecting an 11 year old much younger cousin to include him is ‘logic’ that’s really hard to understand.

We’ve all had times where we felt rejected and best you can do is teach him to make the effort and use his initiative as projecting your own experience is not helpful. It was a wise person who said our kids (and young adults) need a bit of hurt and hardship to learn and grow.

Weird