To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

This is crazy!! He's 19! He's an adult. Why on earth would his self esteem be affected by not "playing" with a bunch of kids?! 19 year olds don't play!!

Your son is 19. An adult. It sounds like your family have intergenerational gatherings quite regularly. Why are you not including him in adult conversations and modelling how to behave in groups? It's a bit tough if he's the only young adult but older people would be very happy to talk to him and the only way to stop people being strangers is to say hello. His grandparents would have introduced him to their friends. He could have refilled drinks, handed round canapes, been useful in lots of ways, but you let him sit on the outskirts mumping about his much younger cousin not including him. If an adult wants to play with kids he just joins in!

He is a young man not a boy. Yabvvvu.

This is mad OP its not for children to manage the feelings of anxious adults! When I was that age I wouldn't have asked an older teen if they wanted to play with me because I would have assumed they didn't want to. The 2 children were playing together, your DS is not a child, however if he wanted to join in with your cousins he needed to be the one to instigate it!

You're not doing your son any favours OP treating an adult man like a rejected 13 year old unless he has very significant additional needs in which case YOU should have maybe seen if his cousins could include him in their play if your son isn't able.

Sometimes we need to do things that don't feel comfortable, OP. Please don't stop reminding your DS of that.

You clearly have empathy for your DS's feelings and don't want him to feel left out or unwanted, and that's important. But channel those feelings into helping your DS help himself in these situations instead of seeing himself as a victim. Here are three things to tell your DS here:

1. It's perfectly normal to feel awkward in social situations, especially ones with a lot of mingling and/or ones where we don't have a built-in group to join with. It's not a fun feeling, but it doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong or that there's something wrong with us.
2. Small talk is something that really only gets easier with practice. Try approaching one person and ask them a question or two (don't forget to introduce yourself and ask their name if needed). If that's too much, just start by joining a group and listening pleasantly for a bit.
3. When people aren't giving us what we need or want (like including us in activities or conversation) the first thing we need to do is look at what we're communicating to others. Someone who shows interest in conversation will find people try to include them in conversations more. If a young adult offers to organize a game (or referee whatever is being played, etc) the kids will see them as willing to play. It's not reasonable to expect others to show more interest in us than we're willing to show in them.

Agree, he didn't make a scene about it, he was just sad. And that's because he hasn't become an adult and both his parents bear responsibility for that.

To be fair there's nothing at all to suggest he isn't controlling his emotions. He feels how he feels but hasn't made a show of it at the party or lost it at some point. HIs social understanding and confidence are low that's not the same as not controlling your emotions.

This op. I think it's bloody ridiculous you expect an 11 year old to accommodate a 19 year old and seek them out to include them!! It's weird as hell! When I was 19 I'd lived alone working full time for over 2 years I didn't expect children to ask me to play

I'm sorry I would totally agree with you if he was 9 not bloody 19. I have a 19 year old lad and no way would he want to play with 11/13 year olds I'm lucky he plays with his sisters. Hes to interested in going out drinking or hanging out with his mates. If we was a family party he would show face for a little bit then go out in his car. I think its time to cut the cord and let your son grow up and not get upset because a child doesn't want to play with him. Not everyone is going to like him in life but he needs to learn to control his emotions.

Me too, if he genuinely feels this way then it is very sad for the poor lad. I hope the OP can take on board what is being said and shift her own views to support him find his confidence.

You need to work on his skills in talking to people pronto tonto, if you want to help him to be fit for work or university, OP. People skills are vital for negotiating the world of work and he’s lucky to have a big multigenerational family to practice with.

One other thing - a child should never be made responsible for managing an adult’s feelings. Please don’t let yourself think that way again.

I feel a bit sad for him. He's clearly had no support in growing up.

Weirdest thing I have read on here. Obviously 10 to 13 years olds won't want to play with a fully grown man. What is odder though is a 19 year old wanting to play with children and then feel rejected. He needs to grow up and start learning how to partake in adult conversations. You need to untie the apron strings and grow some resilience.

Hopefully OP worded it badly otherwise there's some seriously wrong dynamics going on. Using the words 'playing with them' implies joining in on their level. That's odd and maybe the cousins feel that too. I've been around a lot of teens, some ND, my DS included, and they just jump in and fool around, no invite needed. At mixed age gatherings, anything goes.
OP, you need to encourage your DS to get out there, take a leap, find his own tribe.

Play with them? He's 19!

I agree everyone on the spectrum is different but this could certainly be associated with ASD traits. I remember my sibling who is on the spectrum being adoring our much much younger cousin (think 30 year old woman and 10 year old girl) but then being highly offended and upset on a day out because younger cousin was playing with my similarly aged children and not really paying my sister attention. Her behaviour was from the outside utterly ridiculous that day but she was absolutely resolute in her upset towards a small child doing what small children do and their was no reasoning with her. This is a woman with a job and lives in her own home so yes it's perfectly possible that the OP's scenario relates to asd.

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there

He needs to see that he wasn't the main character at this event. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let other people be in the centre and twiddle your thumbs.

To be honest I am quite surprised that last year when he was 18 and his cousins were 10 and 12 they looked after him and let him play. He should have been the one in charge.

OP, so much overthinking!! Sometimes the 19yos have to suck it up with us oldies. That's just the way family events for older people work. Definitely not up to younger cousins to engage your ds.

Yes he is closer in age to an 11 year old mathematically, but in maturity he should be closer to the adults. As he is an adult. You are not doing him any favours by agreeing with him feeling rejected by a group of pre-teens who probably didn't think an adult would want to play with them. It's ridiculous. If a 5 year old didn't think to include an 11 year in his games would you be blaming the 5 year old - as they are closer in age than this 11 year old and your 19 year old. Or would you realise that would be completely insane way to think?

Well he's going to have to get used to it or he'll be living with you forever.

Unless that is what you want for him.

When he said he felt rejected was exactly the time to help him see other people’s perspectives not side with him and blame the kids for being mean. He’s an adult that’s behind in life skills and being overly defensive of him isn’t going to help.

Your framing of the situation is so strange. Your son wasn't rejected by the children or not picked for a team, he didn't approach them or get involved. I don't understand why you think the onus is on an 11 year old to make sure his adult cousin is invited to play games, as an adult your son should be able to join in if he wanted to.

I'm guessing he must be very young for his age or possibly has some SEN? When ds1 was 19 he was off travelling the other side of the world. Ds2 is 18 and has ASD he likes to join in with adult conversations but isn't averse to playing cars and Lego with his little cousins. However he would very much see it as big cousin entertaining the younger ones, he has the patience of a saint and would certainly not see it as "being included or invited to join in".

It's hard to see our kids struggle socially at any age but this wasn't rejection or being left out this was perfectly typical behaviour for your younger nephews to not view him as someone to play with like a peer. You keep repeating that he is closer in age to them than the adults but developmentally he should be closer to the adults. If he isn't then you really need to consider how you can support his social development rather than viewing him as a little boy who is being left out by primary school aged children.

He could have gone out and interacted as a big cousin come to kick a ball about which would likely be well received.

I think most people mean that they can’t imagine a 19 year old sitting there sadly, staring longingly at the kids playing tig or something whilst doing nothing to engage. Loads of teens and young adults would happily go over and suggest a kick about or come up with an activity and get involved, in a more adult led play type thing. They won’t be sitting there silently hoping for an invite into whatever game the 11 year old made up.