To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

He needs to find his self esteem from somewhere else than expecting 11yos to say come play with us.
im sure he was welcome to play with them- most robust 19yos would have assumed they are welcome to rough and tumble as a big kid. This is all about your son and it’s just a symptom of his very poor self esteem and you need to work on that separately. None of this is about an 11yo or similar being inconsiderate or him being excluded. Feeling that way doesn’t make it true,I’d try and help in that regard and be very careful not to let him fall into this victim mentality when it’s all in his end, that will make life much tougher for him. It’s really hard to be friends with people who keep portraying themselves as a victim.

I feel sorry for your son as it comes across as he’s a shy and lonely young man.

However, the way you describe children as leaving him out from playing with them is absolutely pathetic.

It’s a shame there’s no one in the family a similar age to him but come on! He needs help with confidence and to be able to make friends his own age, not to be told by mummy that his child cousin is leaving him out.

You need to re-read! It was his nan's 80th birthday, all his family were there. So op means why stay at home whilst everyone else is celebrating.

No niece mentioned

What else would he do at home? you ask..
Same as anyone does at home.. potter about doing his thing, reading, gaming, have mates over, etc..whatever it is that he likes to do.
Why does he have to be home? He could go out with his friends.
Have you got him tied to your apron strings?
Your niece DID accomodate him..by inviting him.

YABU - the dynamic seems quite off here. I'm the eldest cousin by a few years, and it's rubbish being the only person your age at an event. As a teen I always used to take a book to relatives houses, do the mandatory smell talk and then entertain myself. Most of the time the mature adults would tell me I was free to watch TV. I did play with my cousins if they asked me, but it was in the same way I would play a game with my daughter. It wouldn't even cross my mind to feel upset if they didn't ask me.

I saw you think your son might be ND. You need to have a talk about appropriate social interactions.

Is there a reason behind not pursuing assessment for your ds when younger?

I would agree that you and your son display ‘black and white’ thinking which is common with people with ASD (myself and my son are autistic FWIW)

There is definitely something a bit concerning about a 19-year-old man who wants to play with a group of 10-13-year-olds as a peer and feels rejected when they don’t invite him to participate. Either he is extremely immature or something else is going on (neurodivergence, developmental delays, etc.). The children were “playing games and running around together.” It wouldn’t be appropriate for a single adult to join in the games of preteens and young teens as though he were an equal.

This drip feeding I am sure 99% of us was expecting may explain him but it does not explain your reaction to all this you must know it is not normal?

19 year olds may play with younger children as in any other adult relative gets kids together for a game of football type thing, but nothing you said comes across as normal from your thinking

It's not the general idea of an older cousin wanting to play with a younger one and I'm sure you understand that. An 8yo wanting to play with a 6yo is fine. The specific situation of a 19yo adult wanting to play with an 11yo child is very socially off. Most typical 19yos would have no interest, would understand that too much interest and emotional investment in the play of a primary school child could be perceived by others as creepy, and would not view themselves on the same developmental/maturity level to want to be included in "play" with them. And this wouldn't need to be explicitly explained to them.

If you think he might be neurodiverse, it would be worth exploring that further so he can better understand himself and how he can succeed.

And here’s the massive drip feed ….

Yeah @BoldMaker73 OP get away with yourself lol! not

Because he is a grown man wanting to play children's games with young children. How are you not seeing this? You are infantalising him and setting him up for a world of humiliation. You are the one who is damaging his self esteem. You both might need therapy, or at the very least you need to give your head a wobble and he needs to start behaving like an adult.

This has got to be a wind up?

That's the post you choose to respond to?
She means it's creepy because it could easily be read that way and you know it. Not saying he was being creepy either, but it could easily seem it.

He needs a job with people his age, somewhere like McDonald's woulD be good for him socially.

I’m glad you’ve understood your ds cannot expect children to accommodate him… or indeed adults, who are at their own party. If your ds felt rejected, maybe he’s heard your stories too many times. I get it’s rubbish not to have any friends. The only way your ds is going to get any, and to get a job, is to put himself out there. If he’s struggling with 11 year olds, then there’s much work to be done to be able to interact with adults.

But he can't develop a friendship with an 11yo. And not "playing" with an 11yo, at age 19, cannot be a valid reason to feel unwanted and lonely. They are developmentally nowhere close, or shouldn't be, and it comes off as very weird and a bit icky. It's also odd that you don't realize how odd this is.

Has he ever been assessed for anything other than social anxiety? None of this seems right. What have his school and college experiences been like? If he is honestly upset about not getting an invitation to play from an 11yo (and just writing that out is making me uncomfortable), the lack of friends is unfortunately not surprising as typical 19yos will have less than zero desire to play with primary school children and will not want to interact around those interests or on that level. They've long since left it behind. He should be well able to socially handle himself around distant adult relatives by this point and make polite chitchat or ask some vague questions to get them talking. And I say this as a person diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

@BoldMaker73 omg he's a young man, wtf?

No just no. He shouldn't have asked to join in, he is an adult it would make the poor kids uncomfortable and at 19 he really shouldn't want to. You are still going on about your DN including him. All very strange you are making out like your son is twelve, not healthy, heed the warnings.

This 👆

He is 19, he needs to start managing himself.

At that age, I would have expected him to "drop by" a grandparent's birthday party - say "happy birthday," eat some cake, hang out with the grandparents, and then leave to do whatever else a young adult does. Maybe that would be an option for next time.

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there.

Whyever not ?

Surely this can't be the first time in his life he's mixed, socially, with other people ?

It's no wonder he's not got a job if he can't spend a couple of hours being polite with his own family members.

this is what you need to focus on @BoldMaker73 , not start threads blaming your 11 yr old nephew for your ds's inadequacies.

Why aren't you seeing he's still an adult and kids are lnt going to expect an adult to "play" with them?