To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

Yabu. He should've initiated interactions with the kids if he wanted to join them. He didn't, so it is on him. He needs to have the courage to push himself to talk to others. It's not on anyone else to be responsible for that.

Oops I pressed the wrong choice YABU!

"... I'll tell him [DN] that DS should have just asked to join in".

Why have you got to tell DN anything?

Have you already had a go at him for "excluding" your DS?!

If you have, that's just completely ridiculous, and so unfair on your 11 yr old DN. You need to apologise unreservedly to him.

In a later post you say that you suspect your DS may be ND, possibly autistic, and you might be too.
Why have you never had him assessed? Would it help him to do so now?

The situation you describe at the party is very weird, and the fact that you did it in such a way, ie completely unaware of the weirdness, is very telling.
What did your DH say about it all? Did he agree with the whole 'left out' scenario, or did he have a more balanced view?

It is also very unusual to go through 2 years of college without making any friends.

It's good that he has started volunteering- what is he doing? Is it in an area he might like to work in?
Perhaps he could join some local groups for whatever hobbies he might have, or could develop, to meet new people.

There's also help available at the job centre and local library, for rewriting CVs etc.

You need to change your attitude, OP, and assist him to access whatever help/support he needs.
Just don't expect it to come from his 11 yr old cousin.

This.

Very odd op.

You are being ridiculous. I started full time work three weeks after my 16th birthday and was more than capable of conversing with adults and behaving as a "mature established adult", even though I was rather quiet and shy. I wouldn't have wanted to be "playing" with a bunch of kids.

My dd (16) is the oldest cousin on my side and it can be awkward not having anyone her age. In her case the younger ones do like her to pay with them, but she's not playing as an equal, she taking the lead etc, like a fun babysitter. I can imagine in a few years as they get older they may lose interest, and I can imagine her feeling a bit odd that she's lost that role, but equally I wouldn't blame them for that, and she'd understand. It's not for them to ask an adult to play or include them as an equal. And in her case she wants to do some sitting chatting as well, so she's relieved when they let her have a break.

Some people are harsh about your ds though, it's understandable to find small talk with much older adults you don't know hard at 19! Especially if it's the first time you are being treated as one of the adults not one of the kids, and you maybe haven't got much going on you can tell a random adult about at the moment (I can imagine all the questions being about jobs and uni). It's a shame you and any uncles and aunts etc haven't made an effort to include him in conversation, but ultimately that's just how it is at these gatherings we go to out of duty sometimes, and everyone is busy.

With kindness OP - using the word ‘play’ here is very odd. 19-year-olds don’t play, they hang out with other young adults - or in the situation you describe, where that’s not possible, chat to the older adults, or at least listen in and make take the odd comment.

I suppose there was a time when your son, as the older cousin, would have enjoyed playing with his younger cousins. However, he needs to understand he’s an adult now and real life isn’t like Peter Pan - he has to grow up and leave childhood behind.

I’m sorry he’s struggling socially. Early adulthood is often a very awkward phase if you’re shy or lacking in confidence but you can help him by not babying him, and including him in adult conversations. If you suspect he’s ND, then encourage him to get assessed so he can start to understand himself.

I’m sorry this is weird.my 13 year old only child is often the only child in groups of adults.hes more than capable of holding his own in that situation so why didn’t your DS socialise with the adults, of which he is one. Why didn’t he want to play with kids. That’s bizarre and no 10-13 year olds wouldn’t really consider it right to ask a 19 year old to play with them, any more than asking a 50 year old. They’re all ancient to them. Sounds like your DS needs to build on his social skills and self esteem as he transitions into adulthood. It doesn’t sound like you treat him or view him as an adult which needs to change.

Your ‘child’ is an adult.

Expecting the actual children to include this adult, manage his expectations and play schedule is unreasonable and inappropriate. It’s not their responsibility.

Your adult son has atypical behaviours and you have atypical expectations. You would do well to course correct now as this situation will get worse.

At what point do you expect him to talk to other adults? 20? 25? 30? 35?

Home with mental health issues and mollycoddled by Mum expecting 11 year olds to provide social affirmation. This is far far far from normal.

Oh and you’re clearly projecting your rejection issues onto this situation so that may also distract you from how inappropriate this is.

OP speaking as someone who was similarly awkward in situations as the only younger adult until I was well into my twenties he needs to be supported with his social skills here. He needs to see you modelling how to talk to older people because for some of us it won't come naturally.

He needs to learn to talk to "strangers". I would really not expect an 11 year old to invite him to "play" with a 19 year old. At most I can remember my 21 year old son giving his 9 year old cousin piggybacks at one family gathering. Have you thought of some hobby where he might meet and learn to interact with others? My youngest son went to university and lost his school friends as everybody went off and was doing their own thing. I am hoping that he makes some friends when he starts work after finishing some vocational training - I'm most worried though about him finding a job first though. Our city is in a very depressed state with the job market and it is really tough.

You cannot expect a 19 yo to play with an 11 yo unless its board games suitable for their ages, OP.

Your son is an adult and I'd expect him to be interacting with other adults and possibly feel bored after 10 mins. My nephews of that age tend to gravitate towards the adults they feel closer to (a youngish uncle, for instance). But mostly, they'd turn up to say hi to their grandparents and leave.

This ☝🏻
I also assumed you had meant 9 not 19!
why on earth would an 11 year old think a 19 year old man would want to play with him ?
How bizarre 🤔

It’s unfortunate he’s he only one in his age range but it’s a little weird for a 19 year old to tag along with the kids. I guess it depends what they doing - football or video games maybe but really I’d say it’s on him to say mind if I join in not them to think to include him.
I have 2 adult dc and 1 young dc and when we go to family events sometimes they will entertain the kids and sometimes they chat to me or dh or their aunts/ uncles/ grandparents.

Yabu. Can't believe you think a 11 year old should ask and include an adult 19 year old in the games.

“What else would he do at home?”. ANYTHING! He’s 19! Does he need you there providing entertainment to him?!

Respectfully, you need to stop projecting your fears on him as it’s probably making it worse.

YABVU to expect children to involve an adult cousin in their games and your strength of feeling about it is odd.

That a grown man felt left out because a little kid didn’t ask him to play is bizarre. That the grown man’s mummy is annoyed at the little kid and concerned about the consequent impact on the grown man’s self esteem is simply wild. Do you still organise play dates for him, OP. The grown man needs to grow up and his mummy needs to let him.

Your son went to college…for I assume 2 years…and had NO friends?? How is this even possible? How did he spend 2 years in what is possibly THE most social place anywhere, and not have/make friends?

Surely you can see (or work out!) that this is not normal OP? You say that you ‘suspected’ a neurodivergence a few years ago? Maybe you should revisit this and soon!

The party thing is the least of your problems…but as others have said, your son is 19…he sits at the adult table now!

It would be extremely distasteful for a 19 year old to be playing with anyone, unless he was in charge and organising games for young children. Certainly not playing on the same level!

Honestly you are putting too much on a 11 year old, you mentioned that your son has social anxiety and is younger than his years.

Did you encourage your son to try and join in?

Did you try and enviegle a aituation wherr your son had to go down and ask his cousin something?
What about a gentle.word with his parents?

I genuinely amnt trying to blame but but i know an 11 year is not to blame.

Seriously op get a grip.

How do you expect your son to enter the working world if he isn’t capable of chatting to other adults?

An 11 year old is not going to approach a full blown adult of 19 and ask them to 'play'. If your son had wanted to join in, it was on him to do so tbh!

I don't know any 19 year old who would have wanted to run around playing with a bunch of tweenagers anyway.

You're placing a huge amount of responsibility on the cousin, who is a child, and none on your son who is an adult! Very odd, very infantilising. But the opposite of the actual child.

You are expecting more from an 11 year old than from your 19 year old son. Which is pretty weird. Possibly, the adults could have made a bit more of an effort to include him.

To OP There is a lot of transferring responsibility onto child / nephew when he did nothing wrong by finding his peers to hang out with . At 19 your son is an adult and needs to develop and practice socialising with adults and older not regressing into childhood . We all had to learn this and it comes with experience , watching and practising .My now 19 year old has had Saturday jobs in hospitality and can speak to anyone from 18months to 80 years now
I see you referring to your own feeling of being left out . What is your relationship like with your nephews family ? Your son wasn’t left out he was an invited adult guest at a family gathering .