To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

Unless there’s a huge drip feed
coming about disability or additional needs-
no I wouldn’t be expecting the children to ask an adult male to come and play with them to not leave him out. Very odd to be honest.

Good grief. I’m trying to imagine how a 19 year old would want to play at all. My 13 year old would rather talk to the adults than play with the kids. You should have been helping him socialise with the adults, showing him how to mingle and make interesting small talk!

Well this is unfortunate but typical at extended family events - the cousin too old to play with the kids but too young for the oldies.

There is something very weird here however; the expectation of the younger kid to include him or invite him to play. He's finished college, he's not a child. It would have made much more sense for you to include him in the adult talk.

Im aware that many mumsnetters tend to infantilise their adult children but this must surely be a joke.
I remember at 19 I would be doing my best to swerve most family type gathering and certainly would not expect to "play with" my much younger cousins

My nephew is 19 and, while he does play with our 10year old occasionally (when pestered), he hangs with the adults and chats. If he wanted to play whatever same my DC was playing, he’d wander over and ask if he could join in (or more likely go hover and heckle them!)

Yabu. We had a family party at weekend. The 17yo hung out with the adults

My son is 19 , he wouldn't want to play with his younger cousins, he's an adult he talks to the other adults when we socialise , I think maybe the kids who were younger thought he wouldn't want to play with them because that's a natural thought they considered him to be an adult not a peer.

Jesus Christ, he's 19 and a man. You're not seriously taking the hump because 11 to 13 year olds played without him? Oh, ffs, lady....

As the older one he should have gone over and initiated something with them. They probably thought he didn’t want to join them.
could he have gone and started a game of football or something with them.

I assumed 19 months it's a bit early in the day but my gaster is truly flabbered that OP blames an 11 year old for a 19 year olds social awkwardness

This forum gets weirder every day.
He’s 19 OP, he either shoves himself into the game with the kids as the fun older cousin, or he sits and talks to the grown-ups.

I really do wonder what the hell went wrong with parenting.

Your son is 19, he's an adult not a child! Why would children aged 11-13 even think to ask a 19 year old to come and join in with them??!!! It wouldn't enter their head, because in their eyes he's a 'grown-up'!

At 14/15 my dd was joining in with the adults rather than “playing” the cousins and there was only a 5 year age gap between her and the next eldest.

You’re doing your ds a massive disservice by dumping him and swanning off with the others of your generation…even though he’s 19 your parenting job isn’t over…you should have been actively introducing him and making sure he was involved with the adults

Your son should have initiated a game of football or similar with them. There is no way 11-13 year olds would be responsible for including a 19 year old. That’s no different from saying the 50 year olds are excluded from playing with the kids. He’s a fully grown adult and they are still young kids.

is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon

remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I don’t want him feeling unwanted and lonely like I did.

I suggest you seek some counselling for your own childhood experiences. You may be projecting your own experiences onto your son.

You may also have babied him as an only child which has led to him having low self esteem. You might be struggling to see him grow up and find his wings.

It might be helpful to unpack all this with a trained counsellor which hopefully will in turn help him.

You DS might also benefit from counselling as well and consider some joint sessions.

This could be a turning point for your son as he enters early adulthood and he will seek more independence and learns to navigate his own relationships.

I was an introverted teenager. I didn't want to play with the kids or talk to unknown adults, so at a party I'd find the bookshelf and take myself off into a corner to read. My mum was always really embarrased by this, but I remember at one party the host came over, smiled and said 'I was just like you when I was younger, just wanted to find a quiet corner at a party. That's a great book you've chosen'. We ended up having a chat about literature for a while. In that situation, the older person noticed simeine feeling out of place and made an effort to relax them and bring them into a conversation.

It's time for your son to find his own ways of coping at things like this. But, if anyone is responsible for including him, it's the other adults in the room, not the children.

Do they only see each other a couple of times a year? Interacting with my cousins is a natural part of life to me but we’d be together at least once a week as kids.

I agree. You might not think he's an adult (but he is) and certainly is to them.

So he was bored for a bit. Meh! That's life.

To an 11 year old your son is now ancient 😂
I am not sure how being neurodiverse comes into this one, other than perhaps fixed thinking from your son of he normally plays with cousins so will play with them each time.
A developmental disorder would make more sense and if you said well he is 19 but mentally 11, but surely this would have been identified by school/HV or doctors at some point.

I think you needed to encourage him into the adult circle more.
It would be fine for him to play with the children if it was a family game e.g. someone said let's all play rounders or cricket, or even everyone pick teams for football. One 19 year old though with two young teens isn't a natural combination for running around outside generally.
If you want them to play with your son maybe get more adults involved so the children see it as family games, or get something specific set up e.g. even a board game that is suitable for them all.

I am sorry he’s struggling and that you had a hard time at his age too. I’m sure it’s difficult to watch him experiencing the things you did. But this is the wrong issue to focus on - children are not responsible for an adult’s social life and it would be very unusual for them to proactively seek out an adult to ‘play’ with. This could have been a great opportunity for him to push himself a little bit while surrounded by his family - chat with a stranger or hover around you while you showed him how to do it. Did you circulate or did you just stick with him and ignore the rest of the party too?

My daughter is 13. We are immigrants so no family but we regularly have friends round - she cycles between wanting to chat with the adults and wanting to play with the kids so regularly moves back and forth. It’s very natural for there to be a shift as children become older teenagers. I can’t imagine it would occur to either of my children to proactively ‘invite’ the 17/18/19 year olds to play outside.

I was hoping it was a typo and you meant 9 till I read the “I know he’s an adult but..” Why would a 19 year old want to play with an 11 year old and his pals? Come on OP, he wasn’t “left out”- he’s an adult and they are children, of course they wouldn’t think to invite him to play!

I think you’re expecting an awful lot from an 11yo, almost like the 11yo is the host adult and your DS is the child.

I loved hanging out with my older cousins as a child but it would not have occurred to me at 11 years old that I need to be the one to pull my adult cousin out of the room to make them feel included. Your DS could have stayed outside in the garden and sat there and the kids may have approached him that way. He made himself inaccessible by sitting in the living room.

I do think other adults should have made an effort with DS though.

This is super weird OP. If it's genuine then you really need to think about getting help for you and DS. I have a dd who is 8 and has cousins who are 15 and 17 and another who is 11. Tbh even the 11 YO fleets between playing with her and rolling his eyes at her and acting too grown up for her. The teens are usually sat playing on their phones or joining in with adult conversations. I don't put any owness on them to keep dd amused when we're together and if my sister expected visa versa for her older children I'd probably laugh at her. If any of them decided to kick a football around with my dd or play hide and seek or get her barbies out then course I would think it sweet and wouldn't see it as bizarre but if any of them moped about and complained of feeling left out because my dd wasn't including them in her 8YO's games then I'd think it seriously bizarre. Why is your DS not able to either amuse himself for a couple of hours or make small talk with the adults or just go join in for a kickabout with the kids if that's what he fancies? I know a lot if teens including one younger teen with quite severe social anxiety,ASD and gender dysphoria and they'd all quite happily join in with adult conversation perhaps with brief periods of playing with younger kids but in more of a babysitting role than a peer to peer role.

The fact that your son felt rejected by children would be a concern for me. He is 19 - an adult - and he is placing responsibility for his social comfort on children.

you are also placing the blame on the children, perhaps a pattern of not suggesting your son takes responsibility for his own wellbeing?

as others have said kids see him as a adult - a man - not someone to play with. If he was bored he could have played the cool older cousin and suggested something for the kids. Or talked to some other adults at the party. At 19 I was working with mich older adults as was able to have normal conversations with them.

your son has a lot of growing up to do.

“but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there.”

He needs to be able to converse with unfamiliar people though, it’s part of life. He will never be able to get a job if he can’t do this.
This was a massive missed opportunity in forcing him out of his comfort zone and getting him to talk to strangers in a safe environment, you could have even been by his side.