To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

At 19, not only would I not play with children, I wouldn't be seen dead on a family holiday at that age. I was a man at that stage of my life, and I wanted to be a man with all the benefits and opportunities it brought me.

This post is really odd, surely a 19 yo would have plenty to do at home. I have 18/19/20 yos. They would mix with grandparents, random relatives they dont know or if they wanted to join in with kids (i mean they wouldnt) as they are adults they would sort joining in themselves.

I think your expectations are causing the issues.

Why didn't you suggest to your DS that he took along his collection of Action Men to play with. Then maybe he cousins would have wanted to play with him.

I genuinely thought 19 was a typo - that the OP was going to put 10 but changed it to 9 for anonymity.

This is batshit. I have an almost 19yo and 13yo nieces and nephews. My DD would never want to ‘play’ with them - they chat and get on but there’s a chasm in age between them and the 13yos would never ask her to play.

Very strange.

This is honestly one of the strangest things I've read on mn.

Of course an 11yo isn't responsible for scaffolding your adult ds' social interactions.

It would be very very strange for an adult to join children's game as an equal.

I'd imagine a 19yo would have far more in common with a 50yo than a prepubescent child. Surely you should be encouraging your ds to strengthen his social skills with other adults?

What do you mean “what else would he do at home?” He’s 19, do you never leave him home alone?

I feel so sad for your son that despite the struggles he's had over years, as you had detailed, you have never seriously considered his potential neurodivergence, or sought support for him in terms of his social anxiety, lack of friends, and the issue around the younger cousins. He sounds very young for his age.

At 19 he is an adult, and most 19 year olds are happy to converse with other adults in a social setting and would not want to hang out with their young cousins in the way you describe at a social event. It would be odd to do so.

What are his future plans if he has left college and isn't working? What are you doing to support him if he isn't able/willing to do anything for himself?

I really think this is a made up joke. What 19 year old would want to play outside with 11 to 13 year old? Unless maybe they had special needs.

At 19 I would much rather have been enjoying a beer with my 50 year old relatives than play (/babysit) with 10/11 year olds. If he was unhappy he would have said something.

YABU. He was in a situation where his age group wasnt represented, that's all. It happens.

I’ve read a lot of daft things on mn over the years but this has to be the silliest.

Why on earth can’t your adult son be part of a conversation with other adults? Surely you’ve brought him up to be able to chat with family friends?

If you haven’t, it’s time for some serious remedial skill-building. You have to teach social skills, not just vaguely hope children will acquire them. This is doubly true if he has nd issues.

Stop hoping children will play with him and teach him the skills he needs to be a functioning adult!

Exactly this. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a 19 year old initiating a game of football for example with his cousins. It’s a nice thing to do. What’s weird is for a 19 year old to sit waiting for his much younger cousin to invite him to come and ‘play’.

Getting on with adults of all ages is a necessary skill for workplace. I’d really encourage him to get a job.
My vivid memory of my grandads funeral is all his young apprentices turning up (he died shortly after retiring)

He’s 19, the kids see him as an adult.

My youngest brother in law is 21, there’s a big gap between him and my husband. The older cousins are all around the age in OP’s post. If brother in law gets bored of the adult chat he will go off and ask the kids if they want to play a game of cricket / kick a ball around or something - they love it but it’s clearly an adult joining them to muck about. Next time suggest he goes off to organise a game of something for the kids to keep himself entertained if he’s bored?

Lots of older teens will enjoy interacting with younger children but not as peers playing. They’ll organise games etc. There was nothing to stop your son going over and saying do you all fancy a game of football/cricket whatever. There’s lots of young leaders in scouting and guiding (or as full leaders from age 18)
Nothing inappropriate about that. Lots of teens enjoy working with kids, mine is back at Camp America this summer.
What isn’t age appropriate is expecting to be invited to play by an 11 yr as a peer.

I’m wondering why you have higher expectations of the 11 year old (to ‘include’ your son), than you do of your 19 year old (to make the effort to lead some games/join in with the children)?

As PP have said, you are infantilising your adult son, and placing unreasonable demands on children. He is not technically an adult, he is an adult, including the legal sense.

Socialising is like a muscle, you need to use it to develop it. As a child I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and their friends, people 50+ are not an alien life form. It's awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you get better with practice.

What you need to do as a parent is help your son to thrive.The volunteering is good, but he (and you) have to realise that it's unreasonable to expect literal children to include an adult in their games.

A ND diagnosis isn't a flack jacket to avoid discomfort, but exploring this may help him understand himself better if he is undiagnosed.

A 19 year old is closer in age to an 11yo than a 50yo, sure. But I’d expect the 19yo to have more in common, more talking topics and more shared interests with a 50yo than 11yo.

I think that last year it was just the 10-year-old in terms of younger children (the other children this time were, I think, neighbours). So, it makes a little bit (very little bit) more sense.

I’m sorry, but this is a very odd post and I would worry about both the OP and her son in that they both feel offended that a 19 year old man was left out by some much younger children.
At 19 he should be interacting with the other adults, his age or a lot older makes no difference. He is an adult and should be treated as such and should be acting as such. My son 19 year old son would rather sit and talk to an 80 year old than an 11 year old and if I suggested he goes to ‘play’ with his 14 year old cousin, he would be quite shocked.
I think OP should be encouraging her son to grow up and aid his social skills if they are (obviously) lacking by suggesting he spend time with other adults rather than with children.
Again, a very ODD post.

I came on here to use the phrase molly coddling - this is beyond bizarre and we wander why there is an utter lack of resilience from and within a lot of young people today.

This is utterly ridiculous. A 19yo and their parent are upset because the 19yo was left with the adults and not invited to play with an 11yo instead. Only on Mumsnet can this occur ……

Typically, it would be REALLY odd for a 19yo to ‘go play’ with an 11yo and other very young people. The fact it occurred the year before or whatever is odd in itself as 18yo’s don’t want to play with 10yo’s either, that’s just the normal order of things.

I assumed initially that the 19 was a typo and was really 9!

Please don’t tell him to ask to join in - that’s really bizarre. It’s a different dynamic - the cousins are not peers and that should be their starting point. Just as a 10 year old wouldn’t ask a 3 year old to play, but would more likely help them play - it’s no different for your DS.

His role (if he wants to spend time with his cousin) should be to take interest in his younger cousin’s life , show the younger cousins cool music and games but not actually play with the younger cousin. It’s a more hands-off involvement and interest/ leadership in the cousins and their friends.

If your DS doesn’t know how to take that soft leadership role in social dynamics with younger children/teens, perhaps he should volunteer at a youth center, sports club or holiday camp for teens - he will be able to observe see how the other coaches/ supervisors relate with the younger kids / teens and can apply it to his family relationships. I would also recommend acting classes - those helped me gain immense confidence in social situations as a young adult.

Do you generally mollycoddle him? Does he have friends his own age?

Time to cut the apron strings. Encourage him to be the man he is and when he wants to sit next to you at any sort of gathering, shoo him away.

That sounds cruel but it really is cruel to be kind because if you continue clutching him to your breast, feeling sad because children won't play with him, you're going to end up with a friendless adult.

I'm sure he's able to open his mouth and speaking to adults-give him a push out of the nest.

If you can't do that, at least don't encourage him to be an oddball and an oddball that others might come to look upon with suspicion if he only wants to hang around with children.