To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

Actually that’s funny 🤣

Kudos to the people that went with Michael Jackson and Bitty . . . . I was definitely going with Norman Bates :/

This is all a bit odd tbh!

I’m ND and my experience is that we learn and mask. He hasn’t done this and it’s concerning. He has been allowed to get away with this for too long - his mother is sympathetic to him complaining how he felt left out by a small child.

Neither of them are diagnosed with anything at the moment and my concern is that, if his condition was bad enough that he really doesn’t understand that young children aren’t his playmates, then it would have been picked up by now.

And if someone does raise concerns about his behaviour (which they will) then that is going to potentially lose the OP her job (although given that she is choosing to ignore a massive safeguarding risk, then she doesn’t really have a defence!).

he could indeed have nefarious motives - in which case clearly spelling it out to him will remove any plausible deniability he might have about not knowing it’s socially inappropriate. It would also make it clear to him that his behaviour was noticeable to others. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter WHY he sees kids as peers - he can’t keep doing so and needs to stop.

Or he could have nefarious motives. The thing is, we just don't know and can't afford to take the risk when it comes to children.

I actually feel really sorry for this guy. If he’s autistic (which it sounds like both he might be, as does OP based on her lack of understanding of social norms), then letting him continue to relate to children as peers is doing him no favours. I’m autistic myself, and we need things spelling out in so many words - we don’t tend to get nuance or hints. So he needs someone to tell him something like:

’it’s great to get on with kids, but it’s not appropriate for an adult man to treat kids like his peers. So you should be playing with them more like [a scout leader/fun uncle/dad/insert real life example of an adult man modelling appropriate play with kids]. If you don’t do that, there’s a risk that people will think you have bad intentions towards them, like [michael jackson/other example], because adults and children have different levels of maturity and knowledge. So it’s fine to like playing with kids, but there needs to be a boundary to keep everyone safe [OP could use the example of her work - how she likes the kids she looks after but isn’t their peer or their friend].’

OP, i say this as an autistic person - you and your DS scream neurodivergence to me. Black and white thinking, being ‘young’ for your age, struggling with change, not reading the room, social awkwardness and shyness, etc etc)

@BoldMaker73 Does your DS have any particular hobbies or interests he enjoys? That can be a good way to meet likeminded young adults who aren’t into the whole drinking/partying thing. I’m thinking birdwatching, board games, cosplay, historical reenactment, etc etc - the sort of thing that is about enjoying a shared nerdy interest.

I guess the reason he can't make conversation with the other adults is becuase he has nothing to say - he has no job, no friends, no hobbies, can't even stay in the house watching tv - what is he going to talk about

I do think it’s telling the kids didn’t approach him. Kids do tend to have a good sense of who to avoid.
His recollection is he had a fun time playing together last party with cousin and cousins friends. If it was was fun I’d have expected them to approach and say will you play football with us again etc. Instead they have all avoided him.
Hopefully he uses this as a push to start ball rolling with getting a diagnosis.

Yeah, I'd be telling my DD to avoid people like this like the plague!

Anyone else picturing exactly that this ‘man-boy’ js like in their heads? We all know the kind of creepy guy that others whisper about and avoid. The kids are doing it too op. They’re old enough to know to avoid the weirdo in the corner.

It’s just as concerning that he is not capable of spending time at home on his own. I was doing that at 11.

Surely growing up is a natural process that most people don’t have to be walked through.

It IS creepy to want to play with primary age children because he gets on with them.

At 19, that is going to add to his sense of isolation as there aren’t many parents who would accept their child ‘playing’ with a grown man. At best they will keep the children away from him.

And saying he is nearer in age to them is ridiculous. If he was 35, would it be okay for him to still want to play with 11 year olds as he’s close in age to them than someone who is 61?

I can't imagine what you'd be like as a MIL.
If he can't bring himself to talk to anyone that probably won't happen unlesshe marries his cousin.

Apparently he has no friends and his college friends grew up 'faded away.'
This adult man has been failed and enabled.

Do you not think your son is leading a lonely life OP? Did he actually ever have friends or was it just associates?

what does he do at weekends just go out with you and his dad?

I think this college friends probably grew the hell
up and stopped acting like children, wanting to 'play' with children. It's very 'uncool' for a fully grown adult to do this, and as harsh as this sounds, if this is what his interests are it's no surprise he has no friends. He has 'anxiety' and doesn't seem to have a job. He is never going to launch into adulthood when you are enabling and babying him like this.

He's an adult. How the hell is he meant to rent or buy a house, pay a bill? He should be going out with his mates on a Friday to the pub, not hanging around kids waiting for an invite to 'play.'🤢

My DS is 18 and might 'play with' younger teens at an occasion like this to be kind to them eg. he might lead a game or something if they looked to be flagging on their own . . . but he'd be quickly back to the adults to make conversation (ideally over a drink!). It is very unusual for a 19 to want to be included in games with 11-13 year olds. I am sorry that he has social anxiety and struggles with friendships. I would have tried to draw him into conversations with the adults, maybe even privately said to one that he is very shy and could they make an effort to chat about xyz with him. Family multi-generational occasions like this are great opportunities to practice conversation with less scary people than your peers. If he can't do it at a family party then he's really going to struggle in the workplace.

He probably has 'anxiety' because you're acting like this! There are so may 'boy mums' on this app that helicopter parent their sons and make them into an anxious wreck. This is no good for setting him up for the future. Boohoo he feels 'rejected.' They are CHILDREN. I find it bizarre an adult male feels rejected by children.

He doesn't sound very self sufficient at all whatsoever and this is doing him absolutely no favours. He needs to stop being a pansy and you need to stop parenting like this and getting involved. I can't imagine what you'd be like as a MIL.

It’s fine to not socialise if that is the choice you make.

It isn’t fine to feel hurt because a primary age child won’t include an adult in their playing.

Also apparently he said children are less judgemental - maybe very small ones but by 10/11 they judge plenty!

I totally agree with this. My 14 year old DGD sometimes has sleep over at my house, 4 or 5 girls.

It is so noticeable the girls that happily say Hello to me and my DH when they arrive. Can have conversations when we do all sit together for a meal and are just relaxed around adults that are not their parents. We are hands off during these sleepovers but there is obvious interaction.
When some of them leave they are polite and say thank you.

Some of them on the other hand, it’s eyes down, they don’t say hello or bye and seem quite uncomfortable just walking past us.

I do get that teenagers can be like this but we do need to teach them social skills. The fact that we all don’t for a wide range of reasons is why this thread is even a thing.

I agree. There's seems to be a lot of emphasis on him being 19 and it being a socially awkward situation. But if it's a family party then surely he's around people that he knows and at 19 has met on more than one occasion.

And part of life is experiencing socially awkward situations and I get some people struggle more than others. But do people really just sit at family parties with people they have met more than once and not say anything? Just sit mute in a corner, on your own or glued to your parent. You can still find situations awkward and still attempt small talk. It isn't an all or nothing situation.

He hasn't just emerged as a 19 year old. I struggle to believe he hasn't had some practice over the 19 years at having conversations with people his own age, far less family members.

This.

Like any skill, it is something you should have developed over time, and part of our job as parents is to facilitate and encourage those skills to develop. This man hasn't suddenly appeared as a 19 year old, he should have been developing these skills over the last 8 years or so (at least).

However, are people really surprised at a 19yo not having much in common with the adults at an 80th birthday? I work with, and have, teenagers, and think loads of 19 year old would struggle to talk to the guests outside their immediate family. Especially as he presumably doesn't know most of them (and it sounds like the close family guests were busy hosting the other guests).

I think it is pretty likely that a good number of them would have been family - Aunts, Uncles, maybe other cousins, that he will have known for 19 years, a lot longer than he has known his 11 yr old cousin. But, quite frankly, even if they were all strangers, he should have developed the skills of being able to make light chit chat long before this.
Significant SEN aside, I would be embarrassed if my young adults couldn't hold conversations with people they didn't know for a couple of hours. I would feel I'd failed in my parenting.

I'm not very good at small talk at parties either although I've managed perfectly well in the workplace etc. but the OP's son apparently cant be left at home because he'd have nothing to do and expected children to involve him in their play. This is really not normal. Getting a job would get him out of his comfort zone and make him have to talk to people. It's a bit late now but he needs to start somewhere or he'll end up a recluse who wants to play with children and people will think the worst of him (I'm not suggesting he is doing anything wrong btw).

For me when I kept trying to "put myself out there" it just got worse and worse rather than better. In fact it wasn't until my DP and I were able to club together and afford to move out and live somewhere different that I was able to hack this sort of socialising. I think that people can treat those with a "basement dweller" life very differently.

I think that the best thing OPs son can do is lean into the volunteering and job hunting so he has got more of an identity. This will make it easier to socialise.

OP I’m interested as to whether you and your partner were socialising/integrating with the other guests at the party, or if you were all just sat alone as a threesome?

I can’t believe I’m reading this. A 19 year old is an adult man. I find it very odd that he says he prefers children.