I'm due to move out of the family home soon, just me and my son who has additional needs, I've been getting my ducks in a row for a few months now and I've had loads of help from my parents to find somewhere and furnish it etc, the new house is not quite ready to move I to get and I want to keep the transition as smooth as possible for my son.
The relationship with my son's dad hasn't always been bad, but he's a very selfish and closed minded person. He point blank refuses to help me at all with our son, no personal care, dressing, feeding, bedtimes, he won't even look after him for a few hours at a time, and when I ask why he says "he just doesn't want to". We both know it's because "he's hard work" in his own words.
He's been horrible to me for many years, constanly bullying me, calling me names when things dont go his way or giving me silent treatment. Until i had my own money he would make me beg for money or only give me it if I did "things for him" mostly sexual, didn't allow me to return to work as a HCA because he didnt want to share childcare and we "didn't need the money". He treats me like a house slave and will say "it's your job to stay at home and do everything". We haven't had a sexual relationship for years unless it's on his terms. He will expect sexual favours from me but refuse to actually engage in any sex or anything with me. Calls me names, slut, fat bitch, ugly etc. he's eve started calling out son names, spastic, stupid etc. the list goes on and on.
I have very poor mental health and have done for many years, diagnosed OCD and anxiety, as well as depression. Despite all he is done and made me feel over the years, I've used his physical presence as a comfort blanket, like a physical presence that makes me feel less anxious, even though he's mocked me and laughed in my face for years about my mental struggles..
I know that I need to leave, I am unhappy, and I don't want to waste my life with him when he can't/won't give me what I want. He is in agreement that I should leave now but I think I he was calling my bluff. I feel so anxious and scared, and it's taking all my strength to not back out and just stay. I know I will manage financially. It's more the fear of it will only be me and my son and I have horrible thoughts and anxiety that if anything happens to me, what about my son? What if I drop dead and no one is there to help?? It sounds ridiculous. I know. But for the sake of my mental comfort I feel like just staying and being miserable but I know I can't do that/shouldn't do that.
I've got so many mixed emotions, so much fear and really no one to turn to for advice. I have my parents and they know bits and bobs, but I've never told them the full extent of what's been going on, they know I have mental health issues obviously but I don't think they realise how bad they are, and they are very black and white thinkers. In the sense they think I'm just being silly and they laugh at me.
I don't know what to do, I really need some one to put this into perspective for me.
Thank you if you make it this far.