To think women need not disclose exact savings to partners?

It isn't unrealistic. I totally agree with you.

I presume that all of those on here advocating total pooling and transparency have never experienced any form of financial control or abuse so are speaking from a naive and rose tinted spectacles point of view.

Everyone should have a "fuck off" fund if they want to.

That's the thing, I have a "fuck off fund", it's roughly 6 months rent on a 3 bedroom house and some extra to cover basics for me and the kids until I can start earning. DH is well aware of it, and thinks it's a perfectly sensible thing for me to have. I don't see why it has to be a secret unless there's been a history of, or concern about financial abuse?

In our family too, obviously. My inheritance is, and will continue to be, used for the benefit of our family.

However, you said "if we split we each get half anyway whether it's hidden in a secret account or not." That's not necessarily the case. It's not an absolute guarantee, but an inheritance generally doesn't count as family assets in a divorce unless you've already chosen to treat it that way, for example by putting it in a joint account. It is vanishingly unlikely but, should my husband and I divorce, my inheritance is more likely to continue to be used to benefit MY family and not someone else's precisely because I have kept it separate.

People are free to share their finances as they choose. A big showy display of generosity isn't going to make my marriage stronger than it already is.

I update our accounts every month, have done for many years. His and mine on separate excel sheets and a summary of rolling totals. He can see it all, but only really looks at his own. Nothing is exactly secret, and although I update his figures monthly if you asked me now I wouldn't be able to quote anything accurately, I just update the figures. We did use a joint account when money was very tight years ago, but still had our own accounts as well.

Yeah I'd go with this.

There was a point when DH and I knew fairly accurately what was in each other's accounts (buying a house) but while we pool some money in a joint account for household stuff, the rest is ours to look after and know about individually. Our individual savings accounts aren't secrets, per se - I know his exists, he knows mine exists - but we don't know how much is in each other's and we don't consider them each other's business.

I'm not on board with "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" as a mindset at all, sorry. The idea of all my money getting pooled in one joint account that someone else can access is the stuff of nightmares for me.

Why?

Financial transparency is important to me, having been in a financially abusive relationship where my ex hid money that should have been family money.

Financial independence is important to me too, for the same reason which is why I have a “fuck-off fund”, as they say.

I would make it clear to any serious long term partner who I was looking at joining finances with that although I expect and am happy to have fully joint finances, I also have a private savings account of X amount that is my personal security. He is welcome to hold the same.

…it can’t just be me who feels like this is completely unrealistic?!

No I don't agree. If you're married you pull your resources. That's the whole point of it.

Yes women expect it off men but dont want to disclose themselves so women want men to fund them just because they are women?

I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone I didn't feel I could be honest with. Transparency and autonomy aren't mutually exclusive. DH knows how much I've got in my savings, I know how much he has in his. There's substantially more in mine, partly because I'm a SAHM and was upfront about not wanting to give up work if I didn't have enough money to leave him if necessary, and partly because it makes sense for it to be in my name for tax purposes. It's entirely reasonable to have a personal "oh shit" fund, but it's not something I feel the need to be secretive about.

Is there a level of savings which you think should be disclosed? Are you talking £100, £1k, £20k, £100k?

I agree with that, what’s wrong with boyfriend. The older we get the more fun a word it is to use in my opinion!

You can’t do long term financial planning without accurate details and full transparency. It’s fine to have some money in an account only in your name. That provides a degree of safety from the other person going off the rails. I don’t want the kind of marriage where people don’t share all financial information though.

I would not call someone a partner if I could not share finances with them. That’s a boyfriend

I am foreign and married with 0 savings. My then boyfriend, husband now asked me do I have savings back home. When he did it, something in me froze. I have never had a man asking me this. I did not know anything about marrying in the UK, that you share bank accounts, you go on house deeds etc. So....what happened was I am not on deeds of house but we have been married long enough now, he never shared accounts with me or told me how much he has.....I have a job and saved in the 10s of 1000s and bloody will never tell him.....let him discover it if I go first.

At the same time I see a lot of threads saying "you say partner, I assume not married" and then getting grumpy when the OP confirms they were actually
married as partner means not married.

There's nothing wrong with asking for clarity about the relationship without being judgemental about the language a person uses.

You've said 'women'. Do you expect men to do the same?

So men shouldn't have to disclose either so then all costs should be 50/50 for fairness

But women want to be treated like the mature intelligent self sufficient people they are yet this seems infantiling them

Absolutely, yes of course. However there have been a number of threads on here recently with people talking about their 'partner' - who turns out to be someone they've been seeing for a matter of a few weeks or months. So when people mention their partner we have no way of knowing whether it is a short/recent relationship, or someone like you and your DP who have been together in a committed relationship for some time. It makes a difference in how one might answer the OP's question.

Most women I know are the higher earners.

Does this advice extend to men who take on more of the responsibility at home?

I’m wouldn’t feel the need to keep it secret. We both know in the rough ballpark how much each other has. But if they were too interested in the exact amount I’d be worried

My partner and I have a spreadsheet that have pretty much every penny we jointly own accounted for. It gets updated every month and we use it to make joint financial solutions. We have a joint account which we live out of and a personal account each. Should we ever feel the need to escape we have money in our personal accounts to do so whilst having complete transparency on a day to day basis.

You will find there are two diametrically opposed views on this.

One camp will insist that nothing should be kept from your partner. There is no need for privacy in a committed relationship and you shouldn’t even have separate bank accounts.

The other side will say no matter how much you love and trust your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together, no matter how perfect your relationship is, every woman should have a secret emergency fund.

Of course the only correct answer is to do what works for you. And if your partner isn’t insisting on knowing how much money you have, you don’t need to tell him.

For some partner is the appropriate term. My partner and I have a civil partnership. We are not husband and wife we are partners quite deliberately!