To think women need not disclose exact savings to partners?

I'm a sahm and I have some unearned income and savings. DH and I don't know the exact amount of each other's savings, as it changes daily (almost all of it is invested, not in cash) and it gets added to a few times a year.
I'd be fine with disclosing it and I don't see it as a running away fund, but more of a nest egg for when we're old and the dcs grow up and have high expenses. We don't really ask about exact figures as it's not money for spending, it's there to grow and compound and we won't make any decisions about it any time soon. It works for us and we don't have any problems meeting our daily spending needs and don't argue about money.

What are you really saying OP? Sounds as if theres a backstory. Is your partner pressuring you to reveal your level of and you don't want to?

This is my point though, in my opinion women especially need to ensure that they have financial security and if that's saving before you have children, ensuring you keep your career/job post children and/or save £10 per week, just to make sure you have some money to get away.

Perhaps women should be more sensible when it comes to deciding to be SAHM and thus financially dependent then?

I am not financially dependent on my husband. I earn more than he does, and have better earnings potential should I choose. I know lots of women who are intelligent enough to have not put themselves in precarious positions financially.

Well ok but how is a stay at home mum, for example, supposed to create a running away fund? Or a woman working 16 hours per week on minimum wage?

It’s a privileged position to be able to squirrel away that sort of money.

This is naive, many long term relationships end acrimoniously and unexpectedly, you need to have the funds to leave if you want to. I'm not saying keep things a secret but having everything jointly means that you cannot easily make plans if you needed to. Always protect yourself.

Luckily I earn well and always have done. My ex and I bought a house, I had a bills account that he used to pay his share into and the rest of the money was our own. We decided joint purchases (holidays etc) and contributed what was fair including repairs.

I have always maintained financial freedom and I'm pleased I did as I managed to leave when I needed to and now support myself and my children. I still manage to rub a house, go on holiday, repairs and save on my own.

I do think there are some differences as a woman is more likely to be financially dependent (ie by being a SAHM) than a man and so need a 'running away fund' if he became abusive

I mean it’s a nice idea and I can clearly see the logic in it. But we save what we can to benefit the family - holidays, house improvements etc. It’s hard enough to save, particularly in this climate. How are you, on your own, maintaining a second savings account on top of of this?

And say you needed money for an emergency repair and money was tight - how do you justify just keeping a wee secret squirrel account?

Agree. Not unrealistic.

Both dh and I had our own careers when we met. When we got married, we pooled our money to fund a joint account that had only enough money to pay household bills, the children's expenses with some slush. Everything else was in our sole accounts (FO money, I guess). The only discussion was how much we each contributed to the joint account.

If one person was earning much more than the other (we took turns on this) and money was tight, then we each got equal spending money and contributed the rest to the joint account. Now that the children are older and we earn well above the contributions to the joint account, we just contribute in equal amounts. I know roughly how much dh earns and he knows what I do but we don't keep tabs on each other's personal spending.

We roughly know about each other's joint assets, savings, investments and inheritance because we talk about tax planning.

Dh knows what I have and I know what he has as it’s all there on multiple spreadsheets. We each have access to all the information. However as all our money is in sole name accounts - split in my favour then we each effectively have a fuck off fund

It’s not the same is it? If coercive control and domestic abuse were 50/50 then yes but it’s not men who are usually needing an escape fund

We pay into a joint account to cover all our family costs, we pay into savings for the kids, and then savings for family hols, new washing machine, emergency funds. The rest is ours and we don't make it our business. We have our shared needs covered but both want our own independent finances as well. We've been married years, own a house, have kids, very happy. Don't see an issue with not knowing.

Well my partner doesn't know exactly how much savings I have not me him. However we are not going to have kids ( too old) not but a house together. If we plan holidays we just ask what kind of budget each other have in mind

If living together or planning to buy, I don’t see why the need for secrecy. My cousin has been married for 18yrs and has no idea how much her DH has in savings (in his name only). She thinks its 150k plus. He was late 30’s when she met him, and had already paid off his mortgage, but they took out another when they had DC and bought a house together. Friend has been a SAHM for over a decade, but could work now if she wanted to, as both DC will be in secondary this year and her DH works at home some days too, so there when they get in (even it not, both old enough to let themselves in etc). But she doesn’t want to work, but has zero say in what money is spent on, and her DH can be tight for some things. I know she’s been frustrated many a time when she wants to buy something and he doesn’t agree.

Legally its half hers, so not sure the amount is not disclosed. I couldn’t live like that, i’d way too independent but guess her choice as she could work if wanted to.

I think a lot of posters are assuming not telling your partner/them not knowing equates to money being hidden or stashed away secretly. That's not true in our case and I doubt we're alone. DH doesn't (as far as I know) know how much I have in savings because he's never asked. It's not a secret, I don't hide it, it's just not that important. Perhaps he does know. It would be easy to find out - the paperwork is filed at home.

Same.

It's not a question of trust. I was 52 when married my husband. I had an adult child and we had both previously owned houses. We decided to have a joint account for bills including mortgage but our own accounts on top of that. My independence means a lot to me.

If you have been together long term, live together, near enough married, have kids or even share a dog, then I'd say you should not feel the need to hide money from them.

Even if you've seprerate finances it would be dishonest to have tens of thousands stashed away and you're claiming poverty. That goes for both sexes.

But if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend then I agree you shouldn't need to tell them everything. As long as it isn't disadvantaging them. Like if you were a gambling addict for example that would disadvantage the whole relationship.

Friend of dh lost his wife . He has just found out that she had 30k in an account which she hadn’t told him about .
He is upset about this

Not for me. I think financial manipulation is one of the worst forms of abuse going. Anything other than 100% transparency with regards to financials when in a marriage/partnership.

You will note i am not commenting on how the financials are split but when there are huge differences and secrets it usually leads to manipulation and control.

We do similar on a more ad hoc basis. We both know exactly how much money we have available as couple. It’s recorded on a spreadsheet. Pensions, savings, everything.

You'd absolute hate mine and DH's arrangement.

We sit down together on the first of every month and go through every single account and product we have - joint ones and individual ones - noting down the exact amount in each.

Totally transparent, full financial audit each month 😅

I have zero idea how much money my DH has, and he has zero idea of how much I have. Doesn't seem that important to me really. But maybe it's because it's a second marriage. As long as the bills and expenses are covered, then I'm comfortable with that. I'd be more concerned with hidden debt than hidden savings.

I have experienced financial abuse which is why I advocate both full transparency AND a fuck off fund.