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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want a more relaxed co-parenting relationship with my ex's wife?

55 replies

Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 14:07

I share custody of my DS with my ex. Years ago, my ex husband remarried and they had a kid together.

I'm really happy for him and his wife and while it felt weird for a little while that my DS has a half sister I had no say in, it's also been great for him to be a big brother.

There's just one thing. When my ex got remarried, I'd always hoped that we could be adult enough that we could all get on. I get on with my ex, that's 100% fine but his wife has always treated me with suspicion. If I'm dropping off my son or something he's forgotten etc, I'm never allowed beyond the door, even if it's chucking it down with rain and normally I know my ex tries to manage it so I don't turn up when only his wife is in (so it's rarely her who answers the door).

I'm not forcing anything and never would but at some point in the future, our son might marry and I don't want it to be weird when that day comes. Also when we first split up, we'd occasionally meet for a brew or I'd stop for a cup of tea when dropping him off so we could update each other on what he's doing, any issues etc and genuinely coparent.

In contrast, my ex has met my partner loads of times. Even being at the same birthday party once which was fine. They got on fine and I know it would be no issue at all in the future. My partner isn't around much when my ex comes over but is completely unbothered when he does. Doesn't mind if he walks in etc and wouldn't mind if he stopped for a few mins.

Am I expecting too much? I don't see my ex's wife as the evil Step Mother. (What a horrible trope that is.) But even when I picked up our DS from their wedding (at my ex's request because he wanted me to look after him for some additional days for their honeymoon) I was told by my ex that I wasn't allowed to come to the venue but to wait down the road for his sister to bring him to me. (I get why she wouldn't want to see me on her big day but I could have waited outside the venue and wouldn't have been any bother.)

I'm very careful how I speak about my ex and his wife to my son. I always back them up. There's not anything bad or concerning that comes up but I don't get the impression he has the closest relationship with her. Not that it would really matter anyway. He doesn't need to have four parents and I understand taking on a level of parental responsibility for my DS is not something that comes easily to others (and I don't expect it).

I suppose it's not a big deal. But I don't want it to become a big deal either. How could I reassure her I'm actually not horrible and in no way a threat?

OP posts:
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InterIgnis · 07/05/2026 14:20

CloudyBayPlease · 06/05/2026 17:56

You sound very nice and mature. The 2nd wife is clearly insecure or is not mature enough to realise a civil relationship is nicer for everyone and an extremely good thing for your son to witness.

I don’t think you can force this issue though, you’ll just have to keep doing what you’re doing.

It sounds like the relationship they do have is civil. It’s just not friendly.

I would imagine that if this were a case of insecurity, she’d be more inclined to be a part of the coparenting relationship between OP and her ex. Instead, it’s apparent that she doesn’t see herself as part of it, and has no desire to be.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 06/05/2026 20:48

Yeah I don't want to bring it up with my ex. It's not a big enough deal for that and also I don't want to cause problems.

I think as well for me it's about role modelling for my son. I think it's good for him to see we can all be adult.

But I won't force it with my ex's wife. I never would. Just a little bit sad in a way but it's not a biggie. While the days will come when we'll all need to be together, we'll muddle through.

Funnily enough, my OH's ex wife has kids (not his) and I even got invited with my OH when one got married. He was married to their mum in their formative years. At one point she even gave me a hug. I thought that was so welcoming and kind. At another point I realised that my OH, her first husband and her husband now were all having a good chat together about footie or something. That makes far more sense to me nowadays than animosity.

OP posts:
Butterme · 06/05/2026 19:21

YANBU

I will never understand why ex’s aren’t friends and can’t get on for the child’s sake.

Obviously if there was abuse etc then fair enough but most people were in love once upon a time and it’s silly to despise each other/get jealous of new/ex partners.
Obviously it might take a few months/years to get to that stage but I think everyone should try and be friendly.

My brother and his ex had an extremely toxic relationship and they ended up hating each other. They still aren’t the best of friends.
But I’m always so impressed with how much they put that aside for their DC.
They do so much together like parent evenings, birthdays etc and they just somehow manage to get on.
My brother gets on really well with her DP and her DP has no issues coming home and my brother being there etc in fact when my brother and his ex start disagreeing, the DP is often the mediator and sticks up for my brother knowing how difficult she can be.

Its such a shame that this woman is being so difficult.
If you get a moment, I would gently bring it up to the ex and just say how’s its a shame, rather than slagging her off.

She is obviously very insecure and jealous.

CloudyBayPlease · 06/05/2026 17:56

You sound very nice and mature. The 2nd wife is clearly insecure or is not mature enough to realise a civil relationship is nicer for everyone and an extremely good thing for your son to witness.

I don’t think you can force this issue though, you’ll just have to keep doing what you’re doing.

Wingingit73 · 06/05/2026 17:40

It seems ok as it is. You cant call the shots for her.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 06/05/2026 17:17

Malasana · 06/05/2026 16:34

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and she doesn’t have to.
As long as you and your ex are amicable that’s all you can influence.
She has boundaries so respect them even if you don’t like them.
Would you want to have a friendly relationship with her if you didn’t have a child with your ex?

I think I'd still be friends with my ex and so would see no reason not to be friends with her. I'm still in touch with loads of exes before my ex husband and their partners where they have them. And they weren't all splits I instigated. Some broke my heart at the time. But that's the thing it was a long time ago. And we are stuck related through our kids for life now.

I suppose I just think at nearly 50 isn't life too short?

But I accept it's not up to me.

Funny @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing but I can have my moments, don't we all?

OP posts:
Contrarymary30 · 06/05/2026 16:40

She won't change because she's very insecure and sees you as a threat .

I got on with my Xs wife until she started giving me parenting advice (she didnt have kids ) and cut my sons hair without asking .
I despise her now .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/05/2026 16:39

You sound lovely OP.

She sounds quite insecure and a bit of a dick, tbh. Just on this tiny snapshot 😂

I agree there’s nothing you can do though, and you can only leave it.

Malasana · 06/05/2026 16:34

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and she doesn’t have to.
As long as you and your ex are amicable that’s all you can influence.
She has boundaries so respect them even if you don’t like them.
Would you want to have a friendly relationship with her if you didn’t have a child with your ex?

TunnocksOrDeath · 06/05/2026 16:21

The break up was instigated by you, so it is possible that if you hadn't left him, your ex would still be quite happily married to you. If she is prone to intrusive thoughts, she may be wondering whether in his mind, he's had to settle for 2nd best with her. There's nothing much you can do about that; your shared history with her husband is not something you or he can change, and probably wouldn't want to anyway. It's possibly something your ex should have picked up on and addressed by reassuring her though.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 06/05/2026 15:31

Lovelanza · 06/05/2026 11:02

I must be the odd one put as I’m off to ex”s wedding in a couple of weeks😂

If I ever remarry (my OH and I have been together over a decade) then honestly we'll probably just have a registry office do with my son as one of the witnesses. But if we do anything celebration wise, I'd happily invite my ex and his wife.

OP posts:
Lovelanza · 06/05/2026 11:02

I must be the odd one put as I’m off to ex”s wedding in a couple of weeks😂

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/05/2026 10:51

It would be nice but it’s rare.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 06/05/2026 10:36

Swiftie1878 · 06/05/2026 09:25

May I ask why you and your ex split up?

Im thinking this may feed in to her behaviour towards you now…
If he was unfaithful - she’s worried
He’s an arse - her self esteem is low
He’s selfish - she’s insecure about his feelings towards her.

You get my drift.

It was instigated by me. I wasn't unfaithful but I knew I no longer loved nor attracted to my ex and if we stayed together I knew someone would come along eventually.

We tried counselling first but while it wasn't successful in saving our marriage, it helped get all of the issues out in the open.

While I could have asked for maintenance as I initially had more custody and lower pay, I didn't. I didn't want that to be a source of conflict between us for what would have been a relatively small amount. So we did the whole divorce ourselves only involving solicitors for the financial settlement (of 0) so that there would be no future claim on each other.

So if anything she has very little to fear from me, I chose to leave the relationship and have always known it was the right thing to do. I don't regret our marriage because without it, our DS would not exist. He was more keen on kids than I was but if anything I've adored being a Mum.

OP posts:
ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 06/05/2026 10:09

I would have loved a "BM" like you. I did try- she was even a guest at our wedding but she even tried to sabotage that. :(

OtterlyAstounding · 06/05/2026 09:38

I think it's a little unreasonable to expect her to go to an effort to be friendly or inclusive towards you. Perhaps she's just more introverted or stand-offish as a person, so since she's got no reason to interact with you, she doesn't. With what you said about her not being particularly close to DS, she might just be quite emotionally reserved and private.

It would be nice for you if she was extroverted, friendly, and invited you in, but not everyone is like that, and they shouldn't have to be. I wouldn't worry about it, really - it doesn't seem to be causing any issues, so best to leave it as is.

Swiftie1878 · 06/05/2026 09:25

May I ask why you and your ex split up?

Im thinking this may feed in to her behaviour towards you now…
If he was unfaithful - she’s worried
He’s an arse - her self esteem is low
He’s selfish - she’s insecure about his feelings towards her.

You get my drift.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 06/05/2026 09:16

I suppose there's a far more current group day which might happen. I'd like to be there when my DS gets his GCSE results. (As much as he wants me to be there anyway.) But I have no qualms in his step mother being there if she wants to be. Obviously no issue at all with my ex.

Luck only, it's a day I will "have" him at my house. So I will know as soon as he does. I will definitely extend an invite to my ex and also ask if his wife wants to be there too. I'd be horrified if I wasn't included had the situation been reversed and while she's unlikely to want to be there, my partner might work from home that day because he's going to be really interested to know too.

OP posts:
Aiming4Optimistic · 05/05/2026 22:10

A wedding might be far off, but I get what the OP means - there will be events during her son's life where it would be nice if both his parents and step parents could be present and friendly towards each other. Big birthday celebrations, leavers assemblies or concerts at school, graduation etc. Sure, you can do all those things with no interaction but it would be much nicer if the atmosphere is warm and friendly.

Pessismistic · 05/05/2026 19:19

Op have you ever asked your ex why she isn’t friendly towards you?

TheWeekOnTheDalymountSeat · 04/05/2026 22:10

There’s so many variables here, it’s not linear.

I have very little to do with my DHs ex wife, though they’re both very capable parents & their daughter is testament to this.

EW was difficult in the early days, she often spoke down to DH, criticised his parenting decisions & approach, made making plans difficult changing things last minute that’d been agreed well in advance - we met after they’d divorced for clarity.

So, while harmonious coparenting is on her agenda now, it wasn’t always.

We’ve all grown up & built new lives, but unfortunately the ugly side of her showed when DSD was small, and those true colours still linger.

I will always support her because I believe she is a good mum, and help DSD to make sure her mum has gifts for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas. I’ll say hello if I see her.

But because we don’t mix together as a whole, doesn’t mean I don’t speak highly of her, but, equally, I’m happy in my own lane, and DH is happy with this, too.

InterIgnis · 04/05/2026 21:42

Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 19:55

Ah bless you @Notasbigasithink I'm sure there have been complaints about me behind my back and misunderstandings from time to time. But I try because my DS shouldn't be treated like a pawn in all this. Also there's a weird way in which we're all linked, whether we like it or not as our kids are related to each other. So whether or not she likes the situation, we are always going to be in each others' lives in a way which neither of us ever chose.

It doesn’t seem like he’s being treated as a pawn tbf, or being used at all. What you want is what you think in the best interests of your son, but it isn’t what she wants, or considers to be in the best interests of her own household. Your son is your priority that comes above all other considerations, but he isn’t hers.

By the sounds of it she doesn’t act as a parent to him, and she’s uninterested in involving herself with your coparenting relationship with his father. She doesn’t want a quasi-coparenting relationship with you, or to be friends.

She isn’t going to accept you into her life any more than she has already, and your children being half siblings doesn’t require her to do any differently. Whether you like it or not, that is something you’ll need to accept.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 04/05/2026 21:17

YANBU. My ex comes in for a cup of tea / occasional glass of wine at drop off and we spend time together at birthdays and Christmas. Makes it nicer and easier for kids that we get along and my partner 100% gets it.

Corvidsarethebest · 04/05/2026 19:58

This is just not for you to control, you can't do anything. I'd keep it at the level she likes and get on briskly without bothering her or trying to be nice. Don't worry about a wedding years ahead which may never happen. It's a shame she's like this but there's nothing you can do and don't ask her for a coffee!

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 19:55

Ah bless you @Notasbigasithink I'm sure there have been complaints about me behind my back and misunderstandings from time to time. But I try because my DS shouldn't be treated like a pawn in all this. Also there's a weird way in which we're all linked, whether we like it or not as our kids are related to each other. So whether or not she likes the situation, we are always going to be in each others' lives in a way which neither of us ever chose.

OP posts: