AIBU to hate being a step mum?

You have a dad problem not a child problem! When in her dad's care it is up to him to teach her what is acceptable behaviour in his house including being respectful and kind to everyone else living there. If he doesn't have your back in all this, you must leave the relationship.
Your stepdaughter is just acting out the behaviour that she has learnt is acceptable when around you. This obviously isnt helped by the mum but ultimately the dad needs to step up!!!

This arrangement is not for you. Get out. You are on a hiding to nothing.

No relationship is worth this, and it's a shit environment for the children.

Just leave.

Time for a break. Reconvene when the children are older and can cope with the changes in their lives. It’s not fair on them, including yours.

I'm sure I'll get a lot of shit for this but I don't think forcing young children to live with new adults and their unrelated children is ever going to be beneficial for them - it's only done because it makes life easier for the adults involved.

It's actually sickening, isn't it? Why do people keep doing this to children?

Why do you think this is a good environment for your child to be living in? You should prioritise them and live separately for now.
What exactly is dad doing with his time?

Another wonderful blended family tale.

Urgh

She is EIGHT and probably traumatised by her shit-sounding parents. The dad is a massive part of the problem here.

OP, do you live together?

How long had you been a couple when your dp went months without seeing his daughter?

It is difficult if the ex is turning the dc against you however it is your dp who should be prioritising them, doing all their cares, and putting them first (including ending a relationship which was impacting on his relationship with his dd)

3 years is not a huge amount of time and if you are already living together it has been a huge upheaval for the dc's who have already been through their parents breakup.

It sounds like blending your families so quickly is not working, I would be moving out otlr getting dp to move out if it is your property and putting the dc's need first as at least one of them is very unhappy in this current set up.

I can’t think of anything worse. Can you honestly think that your future is going to be happy and fulfilling?

She’s not innocent though if she’s telling lies to her Dad. That manipulative behaviour needs addressing immediately.

Ps I don't blame you for snapping, apple doesn't fall far from the tree and her mum sounds rough.

His problems and the girl and her mums problems have, recently, become your problems. Not worth it! Just walk away, close the door, find someone without this rubbish set up with a backbone.

I don’t understand why people subject young children to this sort of toxic “blended” set-up; it always strikes me as incredibly selfish. Surely it’s healthier to live separately until the kids are older?

Tbh I think there is some fairness in whah you said but could have been said to your partner. That if the children won’t respect you, you won’t be cooking for them or doing laundry. I think he also has to speak to his ex and say that a certain level of behaviour is needed and if she is nasty to others she will be told off.

it might be better to maintain separate houses so you aren’t around when he has his children. Let him cook for them and wash their clothes. Or just do days out with your child and let him deal with his.

Your OP is full of you, and your feelings towards your step children's Mum. The one thing that is missing is your partner! Nothing apart from the fact he exists. Why?

Honestly, is any man worth this shite?

It’s fine to dislike being a step mum. But you chose it, and it’s your responsibility to make the choice to either do the role well, or to walk away from it. Your DP’s children have absolutely no choice about the situation they’re in. They didn’t ask for their parents to separate, or for their parents to lack the emotional maturity to co-parent amicably, or to have new step parents and step siblings they don’t like very much. If you, as an adult with choice, maturity, emotional literacy, and the ability to rationalise properly aren’t above acting up and making mean comments to a child; you can presumably see what that child, who has none of those things and can only communicate how they feel through their behaviour, is also struggling with the situation.

With your DP sounding like he shirks his responsibilities as both a parent and a partner, I’d hold onto disliking being a step mum, and end the relationship.

I'd just walk away. What's the point?

Grief from child, grief from her mum, a partner not pulling their weight and cracking down on the lies, social media rubbish etc.

Walk away. Life's too short for this stupidity

👏🏻👏🏻

Why isn’t your partner parenting his children?

Been there, done that. If it’s any consolation I was where you are nearly 30 years ago and it’s horrible. It didn’t help that my bloke and his ex were daggers drawn all the time. Kids grow up and it gets better as they’re able to think for themselves and make their own judgments. This too will pass. My strategy was to be sweetness and light when the kids were around and vent my spleen privately.

Your issue is with your partner, not his daughter.

Why are you cooking all her meals and doing all her washing?

Why is she getting away with talking to you like that?

I don’t agree with the single mums need to martyr themselves to motherhood and remain single until their kids are in their 40s rhetoric that is rife on here but step parenting is hard. It sounds like you need to take more of an “auntie” role and less of a “parent” one here. You’ll be around with the kids, you’ll have fun with them, keep an eye on them, etc but your partner needs to parent them.

I have no sympathy for you at all. These poor children shouldn't have to live with some woman they aren't related to and who shouts at them for having natural feelings. Their pathetic father shouldn't have put them in this situation either.

Do everyone a favour and move out.

I think bursting out at an 8 yo is unreasonable.

But I don’t think you feeling how you do is unreasonable.

You need to tell your “partner” that he will be doing the day to day care for his children, not you. And perhaps for a little while make yourself scarce when they’re around.