AIBU to hate being a step mum?

Imagine someone talking to your kids like you spoke to your partners DD. How would you feel about that? If the mother is such lazy scrounging dope smoking loser why is your partner not going for full custody? Those poor kids - never ceases to amaze me how many adults put shagging above a stable home life for their offspring.

They care more about their sex lives than the impact on their kids.

Never understood why people get themselves involved in chaos like this. Total shitshow for children to try to grow up in.

Any adult who jumps onto social media to slag off ANYONE, much less a woman who is kindly caring for her kids is a stupid idiot. I don't see the appeal in social media, I really don't. So many people use it in such damaging ways, and that's why I came off it in 2010.

Personally I would leave. No one can tell you what to do, but this would be too much for me to handle.

Do you live together, and if so for how long? Are you married, are you a step-mum or her dads girlfriend? And I'm sorry but I never subscribe to the negative stereotypical rants about the childs' mother. If bio-mum is really that bad, I would question DPs judgment of having children with such a woman and leaving his children with this woman, even part of the time. Likewise, the whole 'bio-mum is poisoning her against you'. Not saying that never happens but she might also dislike you because you are not her mum, if you live together she probably resents you and your daughter being with her dad full-time. What is her dad doing to manage the situation or to parent her - SD rudeness in your home is his responsibility?

Why isn’t her dad cooking for her or washing her clothes? That’s your issue, you’re resentful of the extra work he’s loaded on to you. It’s not for the kids to be grateful for having these basics done for them but their dad should be doing them. Presumably he did it before you came along?

This is really all you need to do.

What is the set up? Your house, his or shared? How often are his children there and how long for?
You feel unwanted because they don’t want you. It’s probably not personal, they’d likely be the same with any woman there Dad was with. Step back from the situation. They’re his children to parent, you don’t have to do everything together. Go out with your DC, tell him he needs to take his out more.

Why is your partner such a shit parent he hasn’t gone for full custody?

Your financial independence and housing security, and your kids happiness should be urgent priority.
For everyone's sake, live separately to the boyfriend and just date him, no kids brought into the situation at all.

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You have to get to a place where you are not comparing yourself to or in any way angry with/thinking about his ex. That is toxic. She is nothing to do with you. If the kids mention her just smile, nod, and say ‘oh lovely. What shall we watch on telly tonight.’ As long as she is a third character in your relationship it will not work.

But why would his kids want to bond with you? You're a total stranger that their dad has shacked up with and forced them to spend time with.

Also, their mother is not their "bio mum" - she's their mum.

'Bio mum'?

Yes, what is her father doing when all this is happening!

Just another bloke who rushed into a relationship because he needed a nanny with a fanny to skivvy after his kids for him.

I am a stepmother. I agree it is incredibly difficult. Far more difficult than being a mother and fraught with so much emotional and interpersonal complexity. So I feel for you. On the other hand, these are little children with zero control over anything. Your responsibility is to set up your life in a way that foremost gives stability and harmony to your own DC, and then to organise your life in a way you can cope with and manage. Why are you doing the grunt work of cooking and cleaning for his children? How has that happened (with no discussion, I presume). You need to decide what you can cope with and go from there in terms of setting expectations for your partner and organising your life.

some other thoughts:

1. Why are you involving your self in any conversations with or even having your headspace taken up with his ex? That is is relationship to manage, and you don’t need to pay it any mind. They are the parents, they get to parent without your input.
2. You should not be parenting his children. He needs to be responsible for them 100% when they are with you, and your role is like fun aunty. If your DP cannot parent his own children why are you together? I would arrange things for you and your DC on the days they are there for the next few months (sure be around in the evenings, or one fun afternoon or whatever but do not step in as ‘mum’)
3. You need to be kind to the children, but there need to be boundaries around behaviour. These have to be agreed with your DP and he needs to enforce discipline.
4. I found literally removing myself from the situation in all the ways I outline above massively improved my relationship with SDD and also my DH’s relationships with both of us. If she was doing things I didn’t like, I would take myself and my DC out, or go to bed early or shut myself in the loft and read a book.
5. You cannot and will never control or influence what goes on at her mum’s, so do not channel energy in that direction. You and DP need to work as a team to help the children feel happy and secure in your house, but also to strengthen your own partnership and put rules and boundaries in place that help you to feel relaxed and secure at home.

if you can’t put the effort and time (and believe me I understand the stress and pressure of all this) then it is better to leave the relationship now, before it damages your child.

I think you should cut your losses and leave. The mother is doing her best to split you up and poison her children's minds against you, and your partner is doing nothing about it. Tbh they sound as bad as one another.
Think about your own child, its no fun living in a warzone. Walk away and reclaim a peaceful life for you and your daughter, rather than having to deal with someone else's unpleasant children

Yep, it's so depressing and every time it's the kids that suffer. Imagine being 5, living through your parents separation and then being forced to live with a random bloke and his kids for several years. It's shit all round.

Absolutely zero judgement from me - it’s always for the benefit of adults prioritising their romantic lives over the wellbeing of their children.

Every fucking day on here there are a load of adults making shitty decisions expecting their children to deal with their poor reasoning.

You have no business mashing all of these young children together after such a short amount of time! It’s is literally that simple. It is always THAT SIMPLE.

Yes, usually because they both want an available shag!

Let me guess.

Your partner “loves his kids very much” but has them EOW and can’t possibly have them any more “because of work”
He doesn’t do any actual parenting leaving you to enforce boundaries
He pays “soooo much money” to his ex

Tale as old as time.