AIBU to hate being a step mum?

The original poster isn't married though.

It seems likely that in this situation, you are going to feel that you are putting way too much work in. But it's the only way you will eventually make the situation work, and believe me, if the mother is not cooperative, it will take years. If the father is not backing you up, it will be a waste of energy. But it's that, or leave the relationship. You're either in it for the long haul and prepared to make a huge investment of effort, or not.

I am immensely thankful when my parents separated they kept their relationships seperate from me. They did have it a little easier as i did a week on week off setup, but even so. Neither ever moved someone else in, or made me spend time with anyone else. As an adult I realise how respectful towards me and one another they really were.
but yeah I wouldn’t be dealing with this, as above, your partner should be parenting & I’d be moving out.

The poor child just wants her dad to herself, that's why she's clingy. She doesn't want to have to constantly share with some woman who is no relation and means nothing to her, especially when she didn't see her dad for months and now probably only sees him a couple days a week.

Why isn't her dad telling her not to be rude to you? Why isn't he prioritising her if she doesn't have a very good life with her mum? Unfortunately he sounds like a shit dad too and you've also just proved the ex right in thinking you're not very nice to her dd.

"The 8 year old is so clingy with her dad" what do you mean by this OP?

You have a partner problem. 8 year old is irritating you because her own mum and dad aren't instilling basic boundaries of being polite etc. it's not fair to blast at an 8 year old, your frustrations need addressing with your partner.
Sounds like everyone is miserable with the current arrangement.
My ds had a step mum from the age of 2, she was forever pulling ds up on his behaviour, the way he spoke to her ,etc etc, I told him many times that you can respect someone in the way you talk even if you don't like them. She expected a young child to suddenly want to be around her and her pre teen daughters, every single time he was with his dad, she had to be there.
Sounds like the 8 yr old is struggling and her mum is using her as a mouthpiece for her own ends, I've seen women quiz their children when they come back from time with their father, it's very unpleasant and not something a parent should do, but as others have said, the 8 year old needs guidance, not you venting your frustrations. Sounds to me like it's time to take a step back and let her dad parent her properly, don't be the one who is doing the parenting by default because things won't improve

As said by others the word Mum does not need a prefix i.e. Bio SHE is MUM full stop !
it's only needed in cases of adoption even then it can be birth mum / adoptive mum

or in your situation STEP mum which you are

your step daughter is not adopted is she

I think being a step parent in all honesty can be harder in lots of ways than being a parent because at least as a parent you know what your role is, nobody is battling over it and you make decisions for your children yourself and have the power to do that. There is also that bond you have with your own child that can be hard to form with a step child, especially if their parent is openly talking negatively about you to them because they do take what their parents say as gospel.

It’s not okay to have snapped at an 8 year old though. She’s probably very confused and all you’ve actually done is reinforce what her mum says about her. I would start by apologising to her and then talk to her dad about what steps forward look like. It’s VERY normal that she is clingy to her dad- he is her dad.

She's a hurt child

You are an adult

Leave before you ruin the kids lives and your own

Exactly! She’s old enough to be told what’s right and what’s wrong. Telling lies is surely something we need to be correcting with our children. This poor OP is nothing the wrong for getting to the end of her tether with them both.

It was very wrong of your dh to conceal he had been married before with a child and to entrap you that way. You did not know what you were letting yourself in for, you married him in good faith!

It's on OP too. She's a grown adult who needs to control her temper.

Yes exactly;
There’s another thread on here about a woman with and 3 year year old shacking up with her new boyfriend prioritising him over the child and wondering why he’s so upset.

As a parent, your priority should be your child and NOT getting a new partner “because you don’t want to be on your own” or whatever other needy reasons you have. Some of the stuff I read on MN is just pathetic. Is nobody capable of just being themselves are they really that desperate??

I would never subject my kids to this if me and their Dad separated it’s the height of selfishness.

Leave.

Neither you nor your DC need this shit.

And report her for benefit fraud on your way out.

I hope you don't have any children if this is your first thought about the situation.
We are talking about a child who has a chaotic home life with no control over where she lives or who with. Forced into a situation where one set of adults in her life obviously dislike the other set.

It’s your child I feel for in this situation. The child of the stepmother is always forgotten in these threads as lots of posters trip over themselves to shout about the needs of the stepchild and the failings of the stepmum. Always seems like it’s only ever the stepchildren who have needs and feelings, and who are immune from any criticism.

I honestly would cut your losses and walk away 💯

Your own child is growing up around this crap.
Your DP is not taking full responsibility for his kids.
This poor girl is mirroring her mother. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And if you think it's bad now, wait until all the kids hit the teenage years 😨
You will look back and think it was a breeze in comparison 😆
His dick isn't worth it. 🫩

Put your own child first and do everyone a favour (including yourself) by walking away from this bullshit.
Both your child and those children deserve better. A lot better.
Do the right thing and leave with your son. 💯

Do you need to live with him, OP?

I am not saying break up with him altogether. But could you separate and just see each other when the kids are with their other parent?

I know it's a more expensive way to live, but believe me, the peace and happiness it will bring to you, and to the children, will be worth every penny, if you can possibly make this work.

And the kids' mom won't be able to say anything about you if you aren't seeing her children at all.....

Nah, this is on the dad. Why is OP doing all the domestic work for his children?! He needs to take the lead.

agree. Why do people keeping kids also.

not surprised, the mum sounds immature and nasty. All she's doing is making her own kids lives harder.

Needs to grow up and think of her kids. Life's easier when your nice.

There’s a fair few steps between putting ip
with it and screaming at an 8 year old that isn’t yours, that they should cook for themselves.

I have an 8 yr old, he's mine and my husbands, both kids are

8 yr olds seem to be the start of the 'enjoyinh saying utterly horrific overblown things when I happy with their parent'

I've had 'i hate you' 'how can you treat your own son this way' (I think I'd confiscated a yo-yo he was swinging round his head) I wish I had a different mum, I wish I could just leave here... You get the picture. They say stuff. You're the adult. Sort yourself out or leave.

I agree

As usual....poor kids. Another 'blended' family shit show.

Why do people get into these relationships imaginging its going to be plain sailing.