AIBU to hate being a step mum?

But she’s expected to do the domestics which form parenting for this child? How does that figure?

Why do you think so little of yout one child to inflict such a tocic environment on them?

All so you can live with a man?

Your poor child.
Sacrificing their childhood for a man.

Such awful choices.
I believe doing this to your child is utterly shameful.

I cannot fathom such selfishness.
Its all about you and not what you have inflicted on your poor child.

A good mother wouldn't dream of inflicting such an environment on their child.

You need to put your child first. Move out.
Make better choices.

You are judging your partners Ex as a parent?

Have a hard look at your own.
Your child isn't your priority at all.
A man is your priority.

I've said it. The parents need to bloody reflect on their own behaviour.

For reference.. me and DP both work full time and do 50/50 around house. Bio mum hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a benefit cheat & smokes weed around them

Are you this desperate for a man that you foist such a homelife on your own dc. Children who come from the type of home you describe will almost certainly suffer from some sort of neglect, will be developing many issues and could have serious behavioural problems being stored up. Why on earth would you want such kids around your own?

The children aren't to blame but it doesn't negate the fact that things will get worse and your whole focus and priority should be your own little girl.

Why people do this I will never ever understand.

Is it “fine”? No. But this is an 8 year old girl who is hearing from her mum, who she will absolutely believe because kids do, that OP is this and that.

Blaming an 8 year old for believing her own mother is completely pointless and unfair.

There are issues here for sure, but they are not the fault of the children involved who have no choice in any of this.

Yes. It's absolutely justified for a confused 8 year old in this shitshow to lash out, try to get some control, test boundaries. The adults have failed her completely and don't deserve respect.

Nobody has said that.

But it's down to her parents to deal with her behaviour, not her dad's girlfriend.

So it's fine how this 'poor' girl is behaving, you think? And fine for her not to treat OP with any respect?

Ah, I’m so sorry OP. I cannot imagine anything harder.
Is it feasible to just live on your own with your children? I would do that rather than try to blend families. It seems generally not to work very well.

This hilights the potential problems associated with step parenting.
Your sc are very young and are clearly confused and upset. They see your children being raised by their dad.
This comes with the territory of step parenting and children must always come first.

You still havent mentioned your partner's thoughts and dealings in this situation?

You have a husband issue not a step children issue . I have a great relationship with my step kids because there is no way I help my husband would put up with that behaviour from a child ! Why isn’t he loosing his time reassuring his children and teaching them to respect you

I hated being a step mum however I wouldn’t never snap at my step child like that. I wouldn’t use the term “ if I’m not your mum” you’re not their mum. To be honest I literally never did anything besides watch him occasionally while parents worked and then I was his friend we went on days out together as a family we played PlayStation etc. My partner did the washing and cooking for the weekends he was there it was absolutely the way it worked. I wouldn’t be doing anything other than being their friend. They don’t need an another mum.

Under the circumstances, no YANBU. But………

You are never going to be able to get away from the effects of the psychological trauma on your partner’s dc and on your own dc. You have absolutely no control over what is said and posted about you nor over the toxicity his ex causes to the entire blended family.

What you ideally should do, is run two separate households where your own child is safe and secure and no longer tainted from the lack of harmony in the place called home.

No doubt you got together as it made financial sense ..and maybe sense in all sorts of other ways too…eg sharing child care. So it’s unlikely you can go back to two households now.

But it’s not working is it OP.
Your allegiance should be towards your own child who won’t be happy if you aren’t happy. And your partner’s allegiance should be towards his children one of whom is really confused, overwhelmed and suffering.

I’m sure you will try to contain your anger and upset, apologise to your sc for lashing out and try to carry on. But the problems will continue to exist for you and your dc as long as you continue to try to parent his children.

Something has to change.
Is it possible, for a short while, for you and your dc (or DP and his dc) to remove yourselves…eg go to your own family for the weeknd, when his dc are staying over so that your step daughter can re-set by having her father to herself for a while. Or plan separate holidays so that she has time with her father to look forward to ?

OP absolutely is in the wrong. They are not her kids and it's not her place to blow up and yell at them.

I did say in my first post that it sounds a terrible situation for OP and how difficult it must be.
But my main sympathies are with the children because none of this is of their choosing.
Also you can not expect a child to have the maturity and understanding to deal rationally with the situation. She was behaving in a very understandable way for a child in her situation
I expect an adult to be able to behave more rationally and not lash out in the same way as a disturbed 8 year old child.

I’m a SM. Speaking like that to a six year old is awful, you should apologise to them.

you need to have a calm talk with your husband, explaining that it’s his responsibility to make this work: he has to love his children and make them feel loved and important but firmly challenge any rudeness to you. And he has to parent. Make yourself busy- do things with your child and be clear to your husband that all the children need time with their own parents, rather than be rushed into a blended family. Be breezy, kind, warm, and take yourself off, give his kids more space with their dad, let him sort all the cooking and cleaning for them. Don’t surrender to drudgery. My DH kicked up a huge fuss about this at the time, but the kids and I built our bond gradually and without resentment. 2 decades on and I love them to bits and pieces and am very present and pleased when they visit

Sorry, I thought she was a step-mother? Or is it a step-rando?

once again and once for all: Women, stop running after every man who comes near you just because he has a dick. Have some dignity and live proper lives

Given your partner is not the father of your child, I would move out and live separately until the children are much older - or at least until you plan to have children together if that is your intention. (Note personally I wouldn’t if he can’t parent the children he already has)
If you still want to try to make this work living together, I would make the following changes:

1. You are never alone and responsible adult for your step children. In a way, the 8 yo is right. You aren’t her mum and don’t have the right to tell her what do to. Dad should do it.
2. Dad needs to police his daughter’s behaviour and pull her up if she is being rude to you. That is not allowed but dad must be the one to tell her off, never you.
3. When his children are there, you are going to make yourself far less present. They have come to see him not you. In fact, thanks to their mothers efforts, they actively dislike you. Take your son out for the day or he takes his girls out for the day without you. I’d spend as little time as possible (whilst being pleasant and kind when you are there) with them for a while.
4. Dad does the majority of care (cooking /washing etc) when they are there. You can catch up your share of household tasks during the periods they are not.

I never understand this logic. You'd never say to a woman with a newborn who was struggling 'well, you did decide to have kids.'....

.YANBU OP. My EXdh had 4 kids whom I did adore tbf and we had a great relationship but it's a much malogned and arbitrary role, especially with a toxic ex in the mix.

@Tryagain26I have two teenage boys. It just astounds me how children are continually allowed to get away with selfish, manipulative behaviour. Nobody seems to understand the OPs point of view at all, she didn’t even say anything that bad to the child. Btw I’m not a StepMum