AIBU to hate being a step mum?

Unless he's got a sold gold cock Id break up with him and move on. Your own child is at such a sensitive age with many more character-forming years of childhood and adolesence ahead of them, why would you want to blight those critical formative years by living with such unpleasant and defiant children?? What about YOUR happiness and peace of mind?? Its not worth it, throw this one and his problematic existing family back into the pool, dont sacrifice the best years of your and your childs life to this shit show. Your primary responsibility is to your own child - I dont see how living like this with the people involved is compatible with the best interests of you or your child.

They must stink of weed if their mother is constantly using it around them. Has their school raised a safe guarding concern with their father and social services?

I have absolutely no experience of step parenting. In this situation OP my instinct would be to have a heart to heart conversation with both children & tell them exactly how you feel. I would highlight how much I want to help them & let them know I would never try to replace their mother. I would expand on it by telling them all the things I like about them then ask them the things they like about me or what they would change. I also believe there is nothing wrong with letting them know how difficult it is to be a step parent & asking them to help you to help them. It sounds like a difficult situation OP but I'm sure with patience & communication you can get to a place where everyone is happy going forward.

I would be so disappointed in my child if, at 8 years old, they felt emboldened and entitled to tell an adult that they couldn’t tell them off, for whatever reason.

Stepchildren (and it’s never usually the stepmother’s children, it’s the father’s children) are given far too much power in blended families, as evidenced by the fact that your stepdaughter didn’t see her father for months, because she was not happy about you being in his life. This is probably why your partner is hesitant to discipline his daughter.

There is not a chance I’d expose my own children to a child like this.

And it never usually gets any better. I’ve seen enough threads on MN over the years about grown adults in their 20s and 30s still at it, and causing issues in their father’s relationship.

Don’t walk away. Run away.

Bio mum hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a benefit cheat & smokes weed around them.

And that's the person your partner chose to have children with.

Not specifically this OP but I refuse to believe the men in all these blended family threads are worth this amount of stress and aggravation. Is being in a relationship really so important that you would disrupt your own children's lives in such a detrimental way?

Why did the relationship end with the mother of his v young children

This. Your child is at the most magical age and the chance to enjoy that is being hijacked by so much noise from others. Move out (or move him out) and enjoy your little one.

At the end of the day, it’s the father’s job to make sure the child doesn’t speak to you that way. He’s the one failing, both you and his DC.

No one can tell you what to do but for the love of god do not have children with this man.

What attracted you to a man who decided to have kids with a weed-smoking benefit cheat that's never worked a day in her life? Life's too short, leave.

I’ve also been there op, my dh’s kids’ were similar ages and attitude to me. Dh treading on eggshells around them and I have to tell you it went on for 15+ years. Looking back I should have left. Dh more than pulled his weight with both his kids and mine, but wouldn’t discipline.

I now have a good relationship with two of the three of them. The only way it works is if you are both absolutely aligned. If not, so much damage can be done.

YABU to shout at the child obviously - it should be her dad cooking and cleaning for her, so I don’t know why you’re doing it or getting annoyed about it.

But blended families are incredibly difficult.

Why did you choose to move in with DP?
I think these relationships are better when people live apart.

Can you imagine another 10+ years of this.

Just live apart.
Then you can decide whether to continue the relationship or completely separate.

Poor kids - and I include the OP's 5 year old in this.

I don't think it will help the OP's stepkids much if she moves out - the useless dad will move another woman in pronto to do the domestic stuff for him/give him a shag so they will still be in a miserable position but it would probably be way better for OP's own child if she moved out and got him out of this shitshow of dysfunctional, inadequate adults.

This sums up your situation.

You're the bangmaidnanny to at least one kid who dislikes you. The 8 year old didn't make that situation. Your choice of shitty partner did. You chose a man with a high conflict ex and two young children and he's got you doing the scut work for them. The 8 year old is clear about her dislike and you popped off at her.

Pop off at your shitty partner. That's where your resentment should be focused. This relationship is toxic and unhealthy for your kid.

OP says things are shared 50/50. I'd say that's fairly equal.

Just leave. My stepmum was happy enough to have an affair with my dad, she was incredibly unhappy when that meant we came to live with them when my mum died. I was homeless a lot. Better no step parent than one who resents the position and makes their stepchild feel like an inconvenience.

This.

Wow

Thread 8,498 on the delights of blended families

Hope you don't mind me asking if you have children?
I would assume unlikely.

I agree with others that this will have a dreadful impact on your own child's sense of safety and security. I am also a stepmother. You cannot make stepparenting work by being angry at your kid's ex and blaming her for everything that goes wrong. Imagine if your exes' new girlfriend started trying to parent your child and badmouthing you. She is not the enemy. She is nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend sounds like a drip. Where are his boundaries and parenting skills coming into play? Is he taking responsibility for his own children? Why is any of this your concern? They aren't your kids. You have a kid and you have placed her in a dreadful situation and seem to be passively allowing it to unravel. Take some control of your own life. Stop doing your boyfriend's parenting for him; focus on your own child. Tell him that he sorts his kids out or the relationship ends.

If you can afford it, move out and only have a relationship living separately. Much more relaxed for everyone.

dad is really letting you down. And he’s letting her down too by not managing this. I understand it’s easier for him to be the good guy and stay out of conflict. Every time he doesn’t correct her, he’s sending the message that he agrees with her and it’s okay to be rude.

early on when my SKs were smaller, I would get the occasional ‘you’re not my mum, you can’t tell me what to do’ and my response every time was ‘no I am not your mum. But in this house I am an adult who is responsible for your safety / welfare / homework / health / (whatever they were pushing back on) and you can choose not to do what I ask but there will be consequences (which had been agreed prior with the kids in a family meeting about how we all behave to one another. Hard to argue with consequences they understood and had set themselves). I haven’t been perfect but I’ve always been fair and consistent.

it would have been tempting early on to not correct rudeness or bad behaviour, to have them ‘like me’ instead of respecting me would have been easier. I am definitely softer than DH and probably let them get away with more on account of them being children of separated parents and feeling sorry for them. But there are limits and if I wouldn’t tolerate it from a niece or nephew, I’m not putting up with it from SKs.

She's free to leave at any time - nobody forced her to join the shit show or to bring her kid into it either.

The fact that her partner is a useless fuck doesn't mean it's okay for her to yell at an 8yo.

It’s understandably unpleasant for the OP, but it’s not something you can really evaluate as “fine” or “not fine.” It’s a child who is unhappy expressing resentment, jealousy, and anxiety without the emotional tools to know what to do with those feelings.

It would be like your DP bringing another woman home one day and telling you that she was going to be living in your house from now on and he wanted you to respect and like and bond with her. You’d probably be a bit of a cow towards her. Well, except you wouldn’t: you’d vote with your feet and vamoose. But children can’t do that: they can only rely on their parents to make the best decisions for them - and unfortunately for OP, it doesn’t seem like either her DP or the children’s mum are doing that.

If OP’s description of the children’s mum is correct than this is a case of two children who move between their mum’s household where the set up and parenting is less than ideal and hear a lot of bitterness voiced there; to another household where they have to spend their time with dad’s partner and her DS who they don’t much like and who, in their eyes, are getting in the way of them having their dad. It doesn’t make for sweetness and light.

Yep, yet OP brought her kid into the shit show anyway.

All the adults are failing here.