AIBU to hate being a step mum?

It isn’t the 8 year olds fault. If I was in your shoes I would be taking a step back. Continue the relationship of you wish but do so away from his kids as it clearly isn’t working.

Why would you get shit for this??

I agree. Sounds perfectly sensible. This 'blended' stuff can be hell for kids... Especially if each blendee hates the other... Utter torture, can't get away from someone you're not related to at all. Worse than being bullied at school... At least you can escape it.

Plus pressure from 1 parent and 1 adult stranger to "get on"...

Then manipulation from adults...

Then punishments...

Bloody awful.

I'd 'blend' the selfish parents... At 100 rpm with a few blueberries.

It must be hard having blended families... you're braver than me.
At the end of the day she is 8 and her mum is poisoning her mind wrong on so many levels .
I think its up to your partner to step up and talk to the daughter on basic behaviour and what's expected of her in your home all kids can be cheeky she is acting out.
It needs nipping in the bud now before teenage years .

I don't blame you snapping at her though you're only human and have your own 6 year old.

The mother sounds toxic.

It can be a truly thankless task, particularly if your husband is not good at showing appreciation. And high conflict exes are the worst...Disengaging and nacho-ing may be the way forward for your own sanity.

You need to leave the house when SD visits. She is there to see her dad and doesn't want to share him.

Does she fuck. It's her home and she doesn't need to skulk in the background to appease a rude child. The stepparent hate on Mumsnet is unreal sometimes.

If it's your house you still need to leave when SD visits, you are surplus to requirements for this girl.

Does she fuck need to leave the house when SD visits.

That’s the OP and her child’s home too.

Her partner and stepdaughter can leave the house when SD visits.

Ridiculous.

I took the 50:50 comment with a bit of a pinch of salt. I know a few too many guys who don’t really see women’s labour so think that whatever they do is half.

I don’t expect the OP to come back to the thread now.

I think it’s that she didn’t mention it was done 50:50 until well into the thread.

I agree with everyone else. This relationship did not need to be taken to the level of “blended family” and should not have been. It wasn’t fair on any of the kids concerned.

As it stands you have a huge DP problem, and he is responsible for managing his child’s emotions about all of this.

Could I be advised why the stepmother should not be doing washing or cooking meals? Is the thinking that only the parent does that? Would the man not put a load of washing on, no matter whose washing, or cook a meal for whoever is in the house? If he cooked solely for himself and his children, he would be criticized. The OP says chores are 50/50,if that is the case I see no problem. I really don't understand this attitude.

She’s her stepmother. Being involved is the basis of the deal. Family meals and putting on a load of washing which may include the child’s clothes are part of the deal.

Absolute nonsense. A step parent is exactly that. A parent & guardian when the child visits the new couple involved in their life.

Yes weird how he liked the ex enough to stick around to make 2 kids

Also, to add to my comment above, looking at it from the child's Pov it would be very irritating when visiting Dad and SM is here.
You need to leave the house when SD visits. She is there to see her dad and doesn't want to share him.
At 8 I wouldn't have liked somebody washing my clothes if it wasn't my parents.
If it's your house you still need to leave when SD visits, you are surplus to requirements for this girl.
Don't have a baby with this partner , then it's easy to walk

You are too involved with this child.
Cooking and cleaning for her is the job of her parents, she sees you as trying to replace her mum by doing these things for her.
If your Dp thinks the kids mum isn't looking after the kids properly he needs to look for full custody.
Best of luck.
You are only young, I don't understand why you would want somebody else's kids sharing your home EOW and possibly moving in full time if the mother is as bad as you say

On reflection this whole situation needs to be reported to the police & social services. There are drugs involved & 2 innocent children who are having to deal with an intolerable way of life. They should be removed from both parents & step parent & placed in foster care.

Your boyfriend sounds quite the catch.

One disastrous relationship behind him with a woman he has no regard for whatever and who he now spends time criticising. Two children he can’t look after because he has a full time job, the first person in history to do so.

Your relationship has no chance whatsoever. You are just drafted in to look after someone else’s kids, kids who nobody else seems to want to be with either.

It seems to be quite a common theme on here for the second wife/step-mother to characterise the 'birth' or 'bio' mum as a lazy, feckless, weed-smoking benefit cheat. It's odd that their husband/partners would be attracted to two such very different women.

I always take these characterisations with a pinch of salt.

Have a talk with your dp. Agree to then speak to the children all together.
i would start with apologising to the 8 year old for loosing your temper with her. It’s good for her to hear that adults can be wrong and admit that.
i would also lay down some ground rules. Such as in this house we have kind words, in this house these are the rules….
let his children know that there will be times they will get to have their dad to themselves and other times you will all be together.
when they then say you can’t tell us what to do as you’re not my mum remind them that you know that however in this house these are the rules, just as there are different rules at grandmas house and friends houses and school.

it could be worth a period of conquer and divide, you take your dd out to the park, offer for them to join or stay at home.

One of the things I liked about my DH is that he’s never been horrible about any of his ex girlfriends. We talked about why they didn’t work out and ups and downs but never described them in any way other than respectfully.

I think that applies to this child's useless parents, but I'm not sure how you reached the conclusion that OP doesn't deserve respect either.

Disagree. If her parents can't be bothered to address this, that's not a reason for OP to put up with being treated like dirt.

And sometimes it's true.

You know I can't remember the last time I read a story in here about a step mother when the mum isn't a benefit cheat, drug user, drunk etc......

Unfortunately you’ll get nitpicked by all the perfect mums on here who think they are higher than mighty 🤣

have you sat down with DSD and tried to talk to her? Maybe if you show her that you aren’t trying to replace her mum, if she wants time on her own with her Dad you completely understand that and all you want to do is be her friend? I was the same with my stepmum because my Mum hated my Dad so naturally berated him at every given opportunity and made me and brother dislike my stepmum for years. She also smoked weed ( amongst other things). Then just before my Dad and SP got married she sat us down and had a chat with us. She didn’t talk negatively about my mum or try to put her down, she just explained that sometimes things between mummies and daddies don’t work out but it doesn’t mean they stop loving their children. And when someone else comes on the scene they want them to see the most important people in their lives and somehow be a part of that too.

it really did help, I was 10 when they got married. Now I’m nearing 40 and have children of my own and have a great relationship with my SP, as does my DS ( soon to be another addition also). My mother unfortunately passed away without meeting my DS due to personal reasons but up until the day she died she still bad mouthed my father and even put a note in her will asking he didn’t attend her funeral 🫣

I hope things work out for you OP.

The comments disagreeing with you doing their washing etc I don’t agree with. You want these children to feel part of the family and included as mothers it’s just natural to take on these responsibilities in my opinion.