In Laws never visit grandchildren

Seriously? I’m in my mid seventies and wouldn’t think twice about a four hour round trip in a day, especially to see the DGC.

I can count on one hand how many times my ex mil visited us during my dc’s childhood, she then had the cheek to email me to say i needed to tell them to visit her! A. She should have asked her son not me and B. She knows one doesn’t drive for medical reasons. I would have made her welcome to visit me, that wasn’t an issue and it’s only 50 minutes drive at the time. I’ve since moved away and one dc hasn’t seen her since

I have a MIL an hour away who NEVER visits us or asks after her grandchildren. My parents are a plane journey away and see them multiple times a year. You just have to make your peace with it. Although I understand how sad and frustrating it is that you lost your Dad and he will now never have that chance.

I dont have DGC yet .However I would hope that if I am lucky enough, then would wish to see them as much as possible.However 2 hours is a reasonable drive each way .If they dont want to stay over not much you can do really .Maybe they like their own home ,dont feel up to a big drive ,whatever .Maybe you can visit them maybe ?

Some grandparents are just like that OP. Sad, but it’s their loss.

2 hours is not really a visit- it’s a holiday/ a thing to do. When we lived further away my parents came to visit and my dad was exhausted. They were only staying two nights so it wasn’t the best trip. Much easier to go see them. Op I’m sure it’s not a personal thing, they’re just going about their life the same way you’re going about yours. Do they phone, text, WhatsApp? Do they ask about them?

I think it's extra hard for you at the moment because you and your children have lost a loving, involved parent and grandparent and have been left with two grandparents who are...well...not.

We had a situation like this in our extended family a few years ago. Not quite the same situation (not my parents/ILs), but let's just say that the kind, loving relative who was the mainstay of the family unexpectedly died and the one left behind quite frankly wouldn't have been missed by many people. I do often mull on the unfairness of it - the bereavement created a complete hole in many people's lives, whereas had it been the other relative, everyone would have moved on fairly quickly, sad to say.

In your shoes, I don't think you need to make excuses for your ILs - "they've done their parenting", "they don't owe us anything" etc. Instead it's ok to acknowledge that, from your perspective, they're not that important to you or your family (largely through their own choice) and you wish your dad was still here instead of them. Their emotional commitment and value to your family is just a lot lower.

Also do you never visit them? If 2 hours isn’t such a long journey why are you not making it to see them?

2 hours each way is a fair old distance! I do that commute 4 times a week and am exhausted by it! I would rarely do it there and back in one day and I’m only 46! During the school hols when I don’t see my parents during the week as I’m not at work we meet up at a green centre half way ish for breakfast or lunch or a national trust place could meeting half way for a day out be a option?

On the thread about the new parents refusing to let anyone hold the baby for 12 weeks there's a lot of "reap what they sow" - hold people away long enough and they just won't care anymore.

My question exactly

I'm not talking about childcare. I'm talking about just showing interest in grandchildren and wanting to spend time with them. My mil has never cooked her grandchildren a meal, never taken them out for the day, couldn't name their school, couldn't name a friend of theirs. You're not family oriented then fine...but don't expect them to give a shit about you when you're older and in need.

What happens if he says to them 'would you like to come on Saturday for ds birthday and stay the night. We can have Sunday lunch before you head back?'
Do you get invited to their house?

With the ‘reap what you sow’ line - this is always used to refer to grandparents not helping out with childcare, and thus their own child will not help them out if they need care. And yet, no one uses it to go back a step. Maybe the adult son who takes absolutely no notice of his parents from when he leaves home to when he has children is also reaping what he has sown?

The old ‘reap what you sow’ line!

As a new grandparent, I was very conscious of not wishing to interfere, but loving seeing the grandchildren, sonI waited to be invited, or for my son to suggest coming to ours. Happy to babysit on weekend evenings too. Less so during the week because of working full time.

I think many grandparents are very wary of overstepping, so wait to be invited. Not all obviously. Some are really not interested and some are too far away. There are many reasons for not visiting and they’re not all because grandparents don’t want to see them. There are many reasons for not being invited too.

When you read, as you often do on MN, the rules in place for visiting babies and children, it’s unsurprising that people are wary and don’t want to cause a rift. Most grandparents understand that families are busy with jobs, activities etc.

But remember this as they get older and start to need help...you reap what you sow

Nice.

That's sad.

Leave it to your husband entirely to arrange contact with them. They seem pretty clear about not being interested.

Many people don't like sleeping in someone else's house, or doing a 4 hour drive, and many people just don't like kids, including people who have one.

Yanbu ...I feel the same...my own parents would have been lovely grandparents but are dead...my mil couldn't give a shit about her grandchildren. It's an injustice isn't it?

But remember this as they get older and start to need help...you reap what you sow.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, OP.

I get it. For the first year after losing my lovely mum, who was such and active, involved grandparent, my in-laws moaning and general un-involved-ness really made me angry.

That we all lost the fab, loving, engaged grandma and yet two miserable grumps who can find a reason to complain no matter how tiny were still here, making the world a more depressing place felt so completely unfair.

As I got more to terms with bereavement I didn't compare what we'd lost to what we still had so much.

In-laws has always sucked the happiness out of everything; it's why our visits (also 2 hour drives) were very short. They'd find fault in a perfect sunny day.

They haven't changed and it was unfair of me to resent them being themselves.

But it was part of grieving, and perfectly normal. A kind of "Why are they having years of life to just moan when Mum could have had those years and really LIVED them?" cry to the universe.

Must compassion to you, OP. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

How often do you visit them?

Also, how is your dh with his parents? Has he put effort in to a relationship with them over the years?

They’ve been reading Mumsnet and are scared of “overstepping” Talk to them.

This can be simultaneously two things. Fine for you to be upset by it, but it is also entirely up to them.
Do you go to theirs?

Not only was my M disinterested, she acted as though she actively hated being a Mum. Like you, I’ve learned long ago that she will never be the Mum I needed and the DC barely ever speak to her now they’re adults.